DH loves me, not sure I love him, definately don't fancy him, will it come back?

[headake]

DH is very depressed about not just our lack of sex life but the lack of affection from me. We have talked about how bad things are, but I have to initiate the talk each time.
He's a good man who has many irritating habits, but still basically a good man and a decent father.
I can't tell him how I feel partly because I don't understand myself. I feel almost violently angry if he tries to touch me, though. If he ran oiff with someone else I think I might feel relieved that things had been decided for me. I am pretty sure that if we didn't have children that I would definitely finish with him.
We get very little couple time, for many reasons, but I'm terrified he'll try to cuddle me. I just so do not want to be intimate with him.
I would like us to work things out, but I can't figure out how. Has anyone else been like this but managed to get your marriage to recover... how? Is it just a matter of time and willingness?

Oh my God, I could have written that. No advice, but lots of sympathy. I too cannot bear to be touched and I don't understand why.

i could have wirtten that too!

for me,its self-esteem. i dont feel good about myself and push him away. hoping to rememdy it with a huge diet and lots of exercise!

cx

go to your doctor. sex is good

feel exactly the same. I used to be very affectionate with dh but not anymore. He still loves to kiss and cuddle etc but every time he comes near me i feel that im being invaded. Especially when he tries to kiss me.

Thanks for the replies. I have NO ONE to talk to in real life, know one knows that DH and I are going through this.

So what do we do, how do we make things better?

Talk, talk, talk. Its got to be the only way to begin. Gently and calmly. Sometimes they are more understanding that we give credit for. That is if you want to keep going, just with different goalposts. Good luck babe x.

Maybe you've just fallen out of love with him...it happens even when you have childrwn unfortunately.

Surely its a good sign though that you want to try and recapture those feelings rather than just walk away?? and the fact that you already have discussed some of it is also a good thing, have you tried relate?

Do you love him? I know that I do love dh and would always want him in my life. However I think I love him more like a friend and father of my child then as a lover at the moment if that makes any sense.Since ds came along i think dh has been pushed aside as i only have enough energy and time to give to ds.When hes in bed i just want my own space. I think it is about spending more time together and getting that excitement back easier said then done i know.And if anyone can suggest any ideas plz do!

I think all marriages must go through this and i dont think its uncommon to fall out of love with your partner. The difference is whether you choose to work at it or whether you want to move on.

Hi H

will share my very recent experience with you, I could have written, and did, exactly what you wrote today. DH and I have been together 10 years with 2 wonderful children and I'd have left 2 years ago if it wasn't for them.

Anyway he had an epiphany about 2 months ago and we talked, really talked, for the first time in years. I asked him to leave, I wanted a divorce, I couldn't stand him near me, i knew I didn't love him anymore and told him all of this, loads more background but wont bore you. We stopped wearing our wedding rings also, very symbolic for me.

We maintained our diaglouge, we dated, and I mean really dated, he didnt' try it on with me or anythng, some went well others I couldn't wait to get home and away from him.

We are now 2 months down the road and very very gradually I am begining to fall in love with him again, the couple time is soooo important, a lot of what was going wrong we have put right, we discovered through talking we had actually lost a lot of respect for each other as we were so busy with life and things that just weren't important.

Big deal for us, we had our wedding rings cleaned today and we are going to wear them again from this weekend, and we are also talking about renewing our wedding vows.

I drove to work the other day thinking about him and was smiling, big big improvement. I really didn't think we could get there and really thought it was all over except the practicalities, but we've stayed, we've had some real heartache and had to face some home truths but on Saturday night when he was dancing I truly fancied him for the first time in a long time.

It's early days, but I am very hopeful and for the first time in about 2 years I'm no longer waiting for the end.

I think it was about finding "us" again, and not just concentrating on the family IYSWIM

Good luck

p.s. and a lot of how far we have come is to do with him, I have said some very hurtful things that I think most men would just have up and left. I told him I didn't want a physical relationship with him, but he was prepared to wait and see with no pressure at all. If you are anything like me it has to be happening in your head before you can translate it into the physical and it wasn't happening in my head - my advice if you want to save it "talk" there is no other way

Hello headake, I hope you are well. I can imagine how difficult this is for you. However, I have the opposite problem, as it were. My relationship with DH has not always been easy. But I like his company very much. We get on fine now, but we are more like friends and partners than lovers. We have not been lovers since july last year. I had ds in december and nothing happened since. I tried to joke about it but nothing happened. I don't understand but I accept it. I hope it will get better. Most of the time I don't mind. But it makes me feel as though I am only a mum and not a woman. With a toddler and a baby, there is no cuddle time at all anyway. I was wondering how you felt about your DH. Maybe that is how my DH feels about me. Sorry it this does not make sense. I feel for you. Kind reg.

hopnig you managed to talk to dh headake.

cx

Allover, that is a really positive post. Were you still living together when you went on these dates?

I don't know what to talk to DH about. Sorry to sound so wet and pathetic. We went out for a meal the other night (without children) and struggled for conversation. I can't say "I don't think I love you any more" it would destroy him. That's about the only thing I haven't already said. I told him it was like we had to start over, and that was hard enough for him to hear. It feels like there isn't anything else to say.

Hi Rubles, yes we did stay living together, we discussed seperating and both of us were of the opinion if he moved out then we knew he wouldn't be coming back, we've both had relationships before where we've split and carried on going back until the final break up, so we agreed if the day comes when he moves out then it would be over. It was a deliberate decision to stay.

I know it's hard to tell your husband that you don't love him anymore, I know because I did tell him that, and a lot more, but thankfully his love for me meant that as much as it hurt he was prepared to wait to see if I could fall back in love with him, but I was definitely in a place where I was ending our relationship so he was being hurt anyway.

It wasn't dealt with in one conversation either, it took us about 3 weeks of talking before we stopped analysing everything and agreed to just see how things went, and so far they are going o.k.

btw the first night we talked we were up until 5am in the morning and I told him EVERYTHING about how I felt, and what I'd felt over the previous 2 years, even down to him not changing the toilet roll that annoyed me

p.s. there wasn't one thing I could pinpoint and say "you've done xyz so I don't love you" - I can remember being out with him last year and having no conversation other than work and the children ! There were a lot of little things that had built up, and the sum total meant I didn't love him, didn't fancy him, didn't even really want to talk to him anymore, I just wanted to be on my own.

good luck headake, I have lots of sympathy as my DH and I have gone through really hard times too. Allovers posts have been brilliant, I'm very impressed with the way they've worked things out.

I think one of the main things I've tried to keep in my mind is that during the course of a marriage you ARE going to fall out of love with the person, and even at some stages not even like them. But when you do get things back, it's even better, deeper and more profound. I agree with Allover that it is talking that does it, and complete honesty about your feelings, definitely even down to the loo roll type things! I think this total honesty establishes a little bedrock of trust between you, which is something to build on.

And these years of having young children are the hardest on a marriage - time wise, money wise. But one day the kids will be gone so we should still keep our relationships! It is definitely worth going for it - good luck x

Hi there. I'm really glad I've found this post as I am feeling the same as headake. Since I fell pregnant with DD (now 10 mths old) I have had absolutly no interest in sex. When I get going and we do have sex I enjoy it , but the thought of doing it makes my skin crawl. I really love him, but I don't fancy him anymore, and I'm not "in love" with him.

Me and DH have nothing to talk about other than DD, and my being away from work has made this worse. He also works v.hard and is v.tired in the evenings, so I think this may be another reason for lack of conversation. We have few friends and no-one to babysit so we can go out - and when we do all we talk about is DD. We are going on holiday to devon for the week tomorrow so I am hoping the change of scenary and pace will help us get to know each other again.

I agree talking about it is probably the best way forward but I can't bring myself to say these things to him. It would crush him. I felt this way about 5 years ago and did say it and left for a week, but it nearly destroyed him. When I went back things were alot better. I am hoping that if I can sort things out in my own head first I might be able to improve my own feelings. I don't really understand it myslef so i don't want to hurt him until I know for sure.

I know this for definate. I don't want to leave him, he's my best friend. Maybe thats the problem?

Best Friend? Well, it does seem that he is a "friend" and maybe that is why you do not want to hurt his feelings. Somehow, when there is love/passion/sexual chemistry we find it easier to say something that maybe a bit hurtful. There is both tenderness and hair-pulling there. Hence the use of argumentative dialogues in novels and films, it can even add to the passion and intimacy through its honesty and directness.

Better a challenging dialogue that a barrage of insults though.

However, if you went out for a meal with your "Best Friend" would you be stuck for words? When I have been in friendships like that I feel that somebody has outgrown the other.

If we dont develop through life I think friendships based upon conversation can become stale. If they are based upon meeting for a sporting activity with little in the way of conversation - maybe men at golf, quick drink, home. Friends for life?

What kind of a friend is he then? Was he a different kind of friend before?

You are "vilently" angry, not simply irritated? Maybe you feel he is not talking to you anymore, and so not respecting you as a friend and has betrayed the friendship you had?

Also, I think it can be threatening for a woman, especially with children, to have a male prowling around who neither speaks nor makes sexual overtures. I think that at some level we may feel threatened and confused by their presence? What are they doing here? At some very basic level? Just a thought I had the other day.

Headache, sorry, you said that he does make advances, so it seems like the not talking thing is what is the amin issue here. Got a bit mixed up with another thread. Dont want you to feel I haven't listened to you properly.

Overall, I think that "violently angry" is about something. You would not simply be so angry just because he wouldn@t talk? Maybe you should try to work out why you feel like this before you talk to him? i think men only have so much time for talking and you don't want to waste it.