How do I learn to suck it up?

[queencat]

My ex left me three years ago for another woman. Since then I have been raising our 3 children on less than £20,000 a year, working all the hours I can and am on my knees broke.

Yes he pays maintenance and he does see them, but I really don't know how to come to terms with the fact that he is now living the life of Riley and I feel like my 'life' ha been stolen by someone else.

They go on 2 holidays a year, the last one you went on was my lifetime dream holiday. They drive nice cars clearly seem to be utterly loved up and I feel utterly rubbish. I've not met anyone else I don't know how to meet new people as all my friends are married or I relationships.

I know I'm being unreasonable and sorry for myself but it seems just a bit crap really. How do I suck it up and not let it get to me?

You don't have to 'suck it up' (horrid phrase). You are allowed to be angry; it is part of grieving. I would ftry to feel sorry for his woman; after all she is now living with a cheat who has deserted his three children and not providing for them. She is obviously of low moral staure too if she isn't encouraging him to provide for his kids. Let them get on with it; they both sound like knob ends.
In the mean time can you get on internet dating sites etc or just go out with some girl friends. And don't forget the CSA; he has an obligation to provide for his kids.

He does provide for the children he does give maintenance and it sounds really petty but I'm angry about my lifestyle too that has completely changed. I took a shitty low paid job so we would y have to pay for childcare now he is reaping the benefits while I'm having to scrap about.

They may have the great holidays but...

She has him for a partner. An untrustable man who may leave her just the way he did you. She can never escape that fact.

He will always be himself and he aint gonna get any younger and be able to pull them eventually.

They have to see utterly loved up don't they otherwise why did they do what they did... Even if behind closed doors they can't stand each other.

You have you DC. When they grow up you will have their love and respect. You are they one they come to. You are the one who gets all their important firsts etc Hard but priceless.

/hugs

They say the best revenge is to have a good life. You have the kids and they are priceless. Your ex sounds like a materialistic wanker. I do know how tough it is being a skint single mum and seeing all the couples. Allow yourself to get mad then channel that energy to get yourself feeling good; take up a hobby, spend quality time with kids, try making extra cash through selling on ebay, getting a new job or starting home business. Even car boot sales are good. Take pride in your role a a mum and remember posh holidays and cars aren't everything. Try to enjoy being frugal and save money by being craetive. Tough I know.

Also forgot to add that my middle child is being diagnosed with ADHD and ASD so life at home is very hard right now.

It is often the case that the mother's lifestyle has changed whereas the man's lifestyle remains untouched; a common source of resentment.

Yep - he might well be loved up and doesn't look back...but you've got the kids. So you win.
He's a loser.

Oh that is tough. Hugs to you. Can you get help or a support woker? I am off to bed now but will be online tomorrow.

I know it seems impossible at the moment to think this, but life is a long game.

Your circumstances won't always be like this and there's a chance that neither will theirs. You're likely to have a much closer bond with your children than your ex and when they are older and more aware of the sacrifices you made to keep all of your heads above water, they will be so proud of you.

It is likely that there will be a point in the future when you wouldn't swap lives with him or her for a fortune. Even if your friends are married and in relationships, that shouldn't preclude their friendship, so don't discount socialising with old friends and leaning on them for a bit of support during this tough time. Don't be scared of telling old friends either that you're finding life difficult right now - it could be that you do such a good job of appearing to cope magnificently that they think you're over the worst. Good people often like to be asked for help.

You say he pays maintenance - is it a fair amount? Was it a CSA job or a private arrangement? What I mean is - are you being shafted financially, and would resolving that make you feel a bit better about life?

Other than that - you're no longer living with a cheat. Your children will know you were the one who was always there for them, and who worked your socks off for them.

I think it's an ok amount, but they have two incomes and I imagine they are both pretty well off. Also I don't like to look a gift horse in the mouth he does help me out with the children.

My life just seems so unstable I now rent a house and have no security as far as that goes. The rental prices have gone through the roof I can't get a mortgage on my own. Just feel likeife is stacked against me.

I have also tried Internet dating but it's pretty galling when no one seems to 'want' you.

It would be wonderful if we could fast forward through the crap years and see ourselves settled, secure & happy.

It is the uncertainty of when that will be that plays on our fears of facing our rearranged future alone.

It is tough, but would I swap it for still being with my ex, trying to rebuild trust after his cheating, or blindly believing he loved me and had the same vision of the future?

No thanks, once the trust has gone, no amount of money or material things can make up for the loss of peace of mind.

Sounds like the balance is wrong to me. You say he 'helps you out' - does that mean you care for the children 50/50 or does most of the work fall on you? Could it be corrected so that it's not so easy for him to play the gay bachelor - clip his wings a bit? The money situation sounds wrong as well - who worked out the maintenance amount and could it be renegotiated?

Ultimately those cliches about 'living well' and 'counting your blessings' are actually the way forward. It's fairly common knowledge that the most unhappy people are those that are constantly comparing themselves against others who they think have more stuff/money/luck etc. I can identify with the feeling that some other woman is living the life you were meant to have. So you have to find ways to reduce that aspect and that usually means making your own life more rewarding as an independent woman. Once you're confident in your skin, then add dating to the mix. As you've learned to your cost, delegating your happiness and self-worth to a man is a risky business.

Good luck

You say you think it's an ok amount, but is it fair? Is it through CAB?
And what goes out of it?
Does he pay for any clothes, toys, activities, presents for birthday parties, etc?
He should pay at least half.

Have you worked out how much the children do cost you and if he is paying a fair amount?

And how is it with childcare? Don't sacrifice yourself for him. Get the job you deserve and let him pay for childcare too, or pay you to do it.

I pay for most things out of it. He does assist with parties and things but out if school activities etc i pay for plus all childcare. I need a decent argument to go to him and say I need extra help because I know he won't do it.

Maintenance as through CAB depends on the time children spend with each parent, so it's for the day to day expenses, such as food, water, heating, electricity, etc.
Anything else should really be shared.

Childcare if you both work should be paid by both equally, as clothes and other expenses, and in fact in proportion to salary.

That's what I consider fair.

Anything else explains how men can get away with dumping their children on women and let them barely survive.

Also think that you don't have to ask him for things. It is his duty to pay for them.

Your life sounds hard work OP. As the others say, the one thing you do have, is the love and respect of your children (and this will increase as they get older and see him for what he is). He has great holidays and a partner with low morals who is prepared to lie and break up a family - nice. Not a great situation to be in.

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice

"I need a decent argument to go to him and say I need extra help because I know he won't do it. "

And god created lawyers... When the power-balance is too far the wrong way, these are the people who can help you correct it.

It is hard graft and you do have a right to be angry. However galling it is, you can't force him to be more involved financially or otherwise if he is paying his 15%. I would use the calculator on the CSA website - if you're getting less, go straight to them to sort it. If you're getting about right or more, well it's hard but there's not much you can do.

I would try very hard to know nothing about their lives and focus very hard on the things that are good for you. Being allowed to watch TV and go to bed when I want are big things for me.

Internet dating never worked for me either, it's nothing wrong with you. I met someone quite by accident.