I asked my h to leave 3 hours ago...

[Headfucked]

as I'm so confused and if he doesn't go then I will put the situation in the back of my mind until a later date and that's not healthy.

We have 2 dc and I have not told the kids that Dad has gone. He regularly travels for business so I will use that as an excuse if they press me but it's been so hard pretending that everything is ok. The oldest knows something is wrong but I've said that I'm ill.

We have been together 13 years and as we have 2 kids, there have been times where there has been little sex but our youngest is in juniors so we get plenty of opportunity and sleep.

How can I clear my head and work out what I want? How can I keep on functioning for the sake of the kids? I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week but I am on mum duty and don't want the kids worrying.

I love him so much but he has been dishonest and I don't know if I can get past that. There are no third parties involved and I wish I knew what I wanted. He said that he would check into a hotel to give me space but how can I work out what I want? I love him but can't cope with obsessively worrying that he is lying for the rest of my life. I want him but do I need him?

I have no family or friends to turn to and I have nc to separate this post from my usual ones. How long until I can see things clearly? Can I have some virtual hand holding and hugs?

Hand proffered....I personally didn't find it possible to live with a liar. He was abusive in other ways too. I knew I did not want to live with it anymore. Time will settle your mind. Try one day at a time. We are here. Over a year down the line, I do not think I did the wrong thing.

Me neither - the lying was the biggest crime of exp too

Hope you can find some headspace op

Ooh, nobody's answered you yet. Here, have a hug, but don't tell anyone.

Not knowing what he's done, obviously I can't give very informed advice, but it is probably a good sign that he left when you asked him to; that showed a bit of respect for your feelings, at least.

I think the thing is to start planning how you would manage for the rest of your life if he didn't come back. If he'd been kidnapped by aliens, sort of thing. Look at how you would manage to live without him, your earning potential, how to arrange childcare etc. Know that if you couldn't have him you would cope. Then you will be able to separate wanting the help/income/support of a partner in general terms, from the loving and wanting him as a person. Er, if that makes sense.

Is there anything he can do to keep himself honest and to prove to you in future that he is? Counselling perhaps? Or is he one of those charming liars who wouldn't know the truth if it bit him?

I'm reaching out a rather wounded hand to you.

It is 2 weeks since I discovered H's affair, and 10 days since I asked him to leave. He went, but visits at the weekend to see the DCs.

The shock was so profound it left me numb, sick, tearful, faint, dry-mouthed and unable to sleep (not dissimilar from the symptoms of medical shock). It's hell, but I had to stag on for the DCs. You just have to keep putting one foot forward, then the next, and keeping their daily routine intact keeps you going. Blame a tummy bug for the first couple of days if you must. Keep eating, even when the though of food revolts you, as it really helps. Sleep returns when you are exhausted enough, not refreshing, but your body will make it happen.

We told the DCs that the grown ups have had a huge row (H agreed we'd say he'd made an enormous mistake), that it was an adult thing and that we'd be working on sorting it out.

As your H works away sometimes, they are likely To feel his absence less than if he had been omnipresent. Hold on to that idea; you know you can cope alone during his absence. You can do it now.

And use the time apart to work out if he is a good man who has made a terrible mistake, or if the fault lines are too deep. Do not rush this decision, as you will be in a state of crisis for some weeks (this is where I am stuck for the foreseeable).

But whilst you buy yourself the time you need to strengthen yourself and find out what you want, search for olgaga's posts on protecting yourself financially and research your options.

"He said that he would check into a hotel to give me space but how can I work out what I want? "

I'd advise you to take him up on his offer and give yourself that thinking time. But tell him it's going to be a few weeks, not a few days. The way I see it is this.... When you're living the status quo, sharing life with your partner 24/7, it's very difficult to imagine a different set-up. Like a dissatisfied goldfish in a bowl, ask it would it like a transfer to a river or an ocean and it's going to struggle to decide because a) the bowl isn't too bad really and b) it has no experience of rivers or oceans. So when you're talking about 'space' it has to be big enough to experience a little of the alternatives... otherwise how are you meant to decide?

TIP... If you can't work out what you want, work out what you don't want. Sometimes that's an easier way to look at it.