Not sure what to do here?

[The3Bears]

Long story, Dp and me have been together for 8 years we have a 5 yr old ds and a 13 week old ds, I love him so much and cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.
Last month he was made redundant and I know this really affected him as he wasnt himself (kept complaining about ds2 crying which he has never done before), he was helping a friend do some food deliveries at night to help pay the bills etc so I didnt see him from 4-12 everynight nearly for about 2 weeks. Night times where the hardest with the children as ds2 is ebf so I couldnt get ds1 to bed til ds2 was asleep, we were both stressed knackered and forgot about each other really. He went to a friends house with his old workmates for a goodbye drink etc and the day after I found out that a girl was there aswell after him telling me it was just the lads, okay but I had a feeling something was wrong (he was v drunk as didnt get up at all the day after).
He didnt come near me for a week and avoided me, I knew something was wrong kept questioning him and he went to his mums said he needed space etc. fast forward 3 days later and he finally admitted it (he messed around with a girl didnt sleep together), i shouted, screamed, cried everynight havent eated a 1 full meal for over 3 weeks now. It made me worse as he said he loved me but wouldnt come back as I deserve better, he is not well looks a mess, wont talk to anyone, started smoking, drinking alot.
Of course all I wanted was for him to come back I was here with our children and just wanted our family back, everytime I tried to talk to him he would say he couldnt talk etc and get v stressed and leave, he's just not the same person so I sugested he go to Dr's and get some help or something as alot has changed in the last few weeks (new baby, lost job, applying for new jobs, started a new job which is much more tiring than old job and this) he's also been saying he feels no emotions and just feels dead inside.
We talked properly last night for a long time and he was v emotional which he hasnt been at all since all this happened, he just looks broken and I wanted us to try again he said he cant come home and be the family man he was as he ruined this and he doesnt deserve this life anymore. I think were going to try again now a fresh start but today all I can think about is what happened, I know im not going to forget about it but I just keep thinking I must be a mug to put up with that. But all I want is our family back together I do hate him for what he did but I also love him alot and cant imagine being with someone else, can we get passed this? dp is going to Dr's on Sat morning when he's off work but he just looks broken, do you think he is depressed or is he using this as an excuse?
He says he hasnt been begging me and pestering me to get back with him as I deserve someone better and he thinks he's a terrible man. He made a mistake, a terrible drunken mistake is it worth throwing all of this away for that?

Im just not sure im doing this for the right reasons, I do love him and im willing to work hard on us but am I doing it more for the children?

I'm not a big fan of letting people back in your life who have let you down but, the way you describe it, this does seem a pretty spectacular a change in behaviour in a very short space of time. Not sure what 'messing around' with a woman means exactly. Either way, he clearly doesn't have good coping mechanisms for when life hits a bumpy patch.... has it all been plain sailing up until now? Have you never seen this side of him before?

However, if he has decided it's all or nothing and has opted for 'nothing' I'm not sure what you can constructively do to change that outcome. Could be that he's depressed. Could be that he genuinely can't cope with the responsibilty of a family/life/holding down a job. Could be it was a lot more than 'messing around', he fancies a fresh start and hasn't the guts to tell you.

So I'd suggest that you concentrate on the things you can influence i.e. yoursef and your DCs, working on the basis that he isn't in your life and won't be coming back.

I think a visit to his doctor is a very good isea, I know how crushing redundancy can be, especially for the main earner.
He does sound depressed, the talk of feeling dead inside etc.
If this is truly one off behaviour by him and he has always been a good partner and decent man then it's worth working at - but he has to do the majority of the work and ensure that he would never behave in a similar way again when confronted with the tough challenges that life can bring.
If he's that shocked by his own behavior then he would benefit from counselling, good people can do bad things when under extreme pressure - it's how they deal with it afterwards and how they help the people they hurt to heal and trust again that's important.

He wants to try now though sorry should have said that, he knows something isnt right with him which is why he's agreed to go to drs. Yes everything has been fine with us until now all my friend and family are v shocked as he has never been like this before. I have never, ever seen him this way before at all no.

Yes Bela he is the one working here and I think losing his job scared the life out of him as we have some debts as we bought first car this year so I know he was v worried about how we'd afford everything.
He has always been a good man thats why everyone is so shocked he could do this, I even think he's shocked himself tbh he just keeps saying how I should move on as he doesnt understand how he could do this to us. Its as if he's given up on life in a way, he thinks he doesnt deserve this good life now as he messed it up and he should have a crappy life living with his mum etc, he gave me most of the redundancy money and the car which to me seems like he didnt think he deserved anything.

Im just not sure wether im making excuses to myself for what he did, I suppose once he's been to the drs and spoke to them it may be a bit easier as he hasnt spoke to me too much.

Without wishing to alarm you, the sentiment that you all deserve better and would be better off without him is not good and I would be worried that a man in that frame of mind would go on to harm himself. Make sure he is not by himself therefore and talk to his mum (if that's where he's living). I think the GP needs to make an urgent house-call and things can't afford to wait until Saturday.

Redundancy shook mine and DH's relationship badly and we had been married for 20 years when he lost his job ( the only time he'd ever lost a job) .
It does sound like you can both work through this but he needs to grow some coping strategies that don't involve getting drunk and behaving innapropriately with another woman.

I do think he should go to the doctors, and I do think this is a particularly forgivable bit of 'messing around' by someone clearly unhappy, stressed and drunk. If he's always been a loving, reliable decent partner beforehand then he can be so again.
However, he needs to stop wailing and indulging in a pity party. He made a mistake, but it isn't that big a mistake. Really, it isn't. No one is maimed or killed or lost their life savings or anything, his behaviour was not done out of a wish to harm anyone. What he should be doing now is getting a grip, sorting himself out, and treating you well.

Lots of people make mistakes, especially when they are stressed and miserable. It's how they behave afterwards that really matters.

He sounds depressed. I'm glad he is going to the doctors. Can you go with him (get someone to come with you and look after the kids outside)? Its all too easy to minimise the problems when sitting in the surgery (especially men do this).

You sound like a loving and supportive partner, and he is lucky to have you. It isn't often said on this board, but don't leave the bastard (or let him leave you). There is time enough for working through this once his medical and emotional issues are addressed.

I will add aswell that even when leaving the children he showed no emotion, so not just towards me it was as if he didnt realise what he was doing (im not sure v odd) I do genuinely want to help him, I do think he's depressed.
He's coming home after work and then he said he might go to his mums so we take it slowly and not just rush into this decision.

Get him an appointment for the evening or tomorrow morning, then suggest he takes a day out from work. The way you describe him as if his emotional system has shut down is a real concern.

I would have some scepticism about this.

Unfortunately when some people behave very badly towards their partners and haven't told them the truth about how badly, they sometimes create a smokescreen of an emotional breakdown and the appearance of wearing a hair shirt in order to divert their partner and others' attention from what they actually did and why.

Not everyone who is made redundant and who feels very down about that is clinically depressed and not everyone in that situation feels entitled to 'mess around' with another woman, lie about it and then leave their partners to cope while they sort their heads out.