Hi everyone.
So further to my original post here is where I'm at -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1585285-Im-new-and-this-is-long-so-please-bear-with-me
DH and I managed to sit down and hold a relatively civil conversation about where we were at in our relationship. I told him that I can't let go of the past, the things he's done and said, I can't let these things go. Not only that but after years of him rejecting me, I know now that I no longer want him. I look at him and there is nothing, he's killed it, it's dead.
He didn't argue with me, only to say that he was sorry that he'd buried his head in the sand for as long as he had, making me feel like there was something wrong with me. He said he loved me, but not in "that way". Before this would've broken my heart into bits but now that I've found my strength it doesn't touch me, I don't love him "like that" either and I know that there is no way back for us.
The funny (I use the word loosely) thing is that he is happy for us to continue to live like this, "for the sake of our son" in his words - however I suspect more that it is for his sake, I do everything for him and he has had his cake and eaten it for far too long.
So now we are at the stage where I'm holding my ground, and he doesn't like it. He has suggested we stop using our joint bank account and he will pay the utilities and mortgage for now, whilst I am to pay the groceries, my DS's upkeep, car insurance, diesel, etc etc out of my teeny salary, which I think I can just about do but it leaves me with nothing. Which is fine. I know this is him flexing the purse strings for a reaction and I'm not prepared to give it to him. I did wonder if I could claim tax credits in my own right whilst we are living together but I know this can open a can of worms.
We have agreed to wait until after Xmas before setting the wheel in motion, I am aware this "buys him time" but I also know that he doesn't want me, that fact combined with me waking up from this awful nightmare and seeing my relationship for what it is, is spurring me on.
It's pretty horrid at home at the moment, but in fairness nothing has really changed in that we hardly see him, he is still out at work until 9:30pm/10:30pm at night, I don't know what he's doing exactly but he has his own business and I have no way of really checking where he is or what he's doing. He says there is no one else and swears to this, I really couldn't care less if there was, in fact I'd be relieved.
I still have twinges of guilt when I look at my DS, I never ever wanted this for him in a million years, and I was so lucky to be bought up in a loving home where 2 parents showered eachother and me with affection and love.
For my DS he thinks it's normal for Daddys to sleep on the sofa, as this is what my DH has been doing for months and months now, I am scared that he will also grow up thinking its normal for Mummys and Daddys not to hug or show any affection to eachother, my DH has regected me that many times in the past 3 years plus that I stopped trying for cuddles and kisses about a year ago - I couldn't take the pain of being shrugged off or patted on the back in a half baked cuddle that you'd give your brother or sister. I couldn't take it any more.
I am not scared of his temper as I used to be, he is keeping that in check very well, almost impressively well, and I know that he is doing this so that it can't be used against him. He is literally only at home when he needs to be and that suits me fine.
I have worked out that I can keep the house on if he were to move out, but I don't know if he will let go - I don't know if he will be happy to do that, he's very used to being in control but I also know my DS and he reacted very badly to his Nanny dying last year, his house is a constant for him, a haven and it means the world to him and I'd do anything to keep that for him. I just hope DH sees that.
He did say that when we aren't together I shouldn't expect him to have DS every other weekend over night just so I can go out with my friends. God forbid I have a life! As I said to him, if he chooses not to have his son every other weekend, that's his choice, it makes no difference to me and doesn't punish me in any way, I have practically raised DS as a single parent so it really wouldn't have a huge impact on my life. He didn't like that but I also know he was reacting as only he knew how.
Sorry if I'm waffling, I feel so much stronger, as vile as it is at home right now, I feel happier and like I have a weight lifted. I only wish my Mum and Dad were here now to confirm I'm doing the right thing, but I think I already know their answer.
Much love
XXX