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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tell?

48 replies

MCW · 05/04/2006 11:19

If you had a suspicion that the DH of a friend was away with another woman when your friend thought he was away on business, would you tell her?

OP posts:

Original poster

MCW · 05/04/2006 11:53

That sounds like a good idea MM. I think I will have to sit on it for a bit.
It has been doing my head in because I can't ask advice from RL friends because that is when rumours would start and I would hate to be the one to start such a rumour. Or any rumour for that matter.
Thank god for Mumsnet.

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cataloguequeen · 05/04/2006 11:55

No because you have to know for sure..and even then tred carefully

my mother knows something very serious about her best friends husband but she would never tell she tried once but her friend just wouldn't go there...I just don't know sometimes how she can sit there and not say everything when you know that person is living a lie

madmarchhare · 05/04/2006 11:59

Ah, but thats sounds blatant CQ, I would tell then.

Blu · 05/04/2006 12:03

Does your DH know her DH well? I would get your DH to say to her DH that unless he stops what is going on, or tells his wife, HE will tell her, because he has put your DH in a really uncomfortable disloyal position, one that he is not prepared to be in.

You can't 'innocently ' shop him this time, because you have already talked to her about where she thinks he was. But another time?

Think through what your motivation would be in telling her:
to 'punish' him for being a dishonets git?
To protect her form living a a life based on something less solid than she thought?
To protect yourself if she finds out that you knew and didn't tell?

Really hard.

JoolsToo · 05/04/2006 12:05

would YOU want to know?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 05/04/2006 12:17

Jools has a good point
I would want to know
but I would rather (if my h was up to no good) find out from him and not my friend

I would expect my friends to confront him on the matter as they are my friends and they know I would be devoed
but if they confronted dh i would expect them to give him a time limit until they tell me themselves if he was cowardly and couldnt tell me

Original poster

MCW · 05/04/2006 12:23

Such good advice here. Thank you all. Blu, your points are great and I will think hard about this. Obviously I want to protect her but at the same time, if he is up to no good then her life will fall apart and that would break my heart. But then, if that is the case, her life will fall apart at some point anyway wouldn't it.
JT, I would want to know, yes. And as desperateScouseWife says, I hope my friends would do something to confront him first before telling me what they think they may or not know.
Aaaaaggghhhh.
I have to log off now, but I will think more and come back later tonight.
Thanks all of you.

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acnebride · 05/04/2006 12:23

Frankly I would never tell. But might find it hard to carry on having a friendship in those circs.

I did once see a very good friend's bf holding hands with another woman, while he was trying to dump her, while assuring her that there was nobody else.

I just felt that it would not help her in the least to know. The exception would be if they'd then gone on to get engaged - I just might have said something then. Once two people are married I would just not tell.

It's cowardly of me, though. As Jools says, I would never want to know myself, and wouldn't thank the messenger (though hopefully wouldn't hate them either). but people vary.

shimmy21 · 05/04/2006 12:29

I'd say don't tell her but tell him that he was seen.

We (none of us) can ever know what is going on in somebody else's marriage. This could create a major crisis in their marriage destroying your friend's potential happiness. She could already suspect something and be turning a blind eye. It could be a momentary stupid fling on her dh's part that he should be ashamed of but can put behind him. Whatever it is I don't think it is for you to decide that it is better for her to know than live in blissful ignorance.

On the other hand the h in all this deserves to be exposed as a lieing t*sser. Confront him with what your dh saw. Let him explain, confess, bluster or whatever and then let him decide if he should confess to his dw. The fear of exposure may be enough to force him to face his dw or to finish whatever it was.

jasper · 05/04/2006 12:59

absolutely not

edam · 05/04/2006 13:17

Good idea about your dh having a word but putting a time limit on it.

cataloguequeen · 05/04/2006 13:20

Her husband is gay/bi? he has been seen by my uncle who is also bi (known in the family)at parties with other guys!

they have been together for 30+ years, have 3 grown children and my mother has known her as a bb for about 8 years and only knew about it when my father saw him at a get together and said 'I know that guy he's a friend of my brother!!' he saw my dad and acted normally but...wtf???

I'm usually all for freedom of info but would you still tell under these circs Maddy?

madmarchhare · 05/04/2006 13:29

Jesus, thats a good one, I really dont know. Its all well and good spouting unless your in those circumstances isnt it?

prettyfly1 · 05/04/2006 13:33

can i suggest that you warn him?? tell him to sort himself out. i do feel for you, i started seeing someone recently who i just found out had a wife. i was suss anyway which is why i got rid immediately - always away at conferences, phone unavailable for hours etc etc, and i think men who behave like this need their gonads removed with spoons. i have a child so i was bloody disgusted!!!! dont tell your friend. sometimes the fear of getting caught is enough to stop them!!

desperateSCOUSEwife · 05/04/2006 13:36

prettyfly it wasnt the fella who was taking you out on a date recently was it

cataloguequeen · 05/04/2006 13:38

Lmao.. Spoons.. yikes! I say a few jabs with the knife and fork wouldn't go amiss!!

prettyfly1 · 05/04/2006 13:43

i hope for his sake nto cause i would tell his damned wife. lying little rat

wannaBe1974 · 05/04/2006 17:26

I would absolutely never tell, but I would let her dh know that you know. I wouldn’t threaten him though, it’s not your place to play judge and jury over his marriage, if he knows that you know, then it may just frighten him into either doing something about his marriage or ending the affair. Even if he does neither it’s not really your place to decide what should happen in his marriage. If the marriage ended as a result of you telling his dw then think about how that will affect her, and that you are partly responsible for that, it’s something that you would have to live with on your conscience.

redbull · 05/04/2006 19:34

hello MCW, i showed my dp this thread and he said from a mans perspective that your dh should confront your bf dh as it might seem to your bf dh that you both have been ticktackling about it bshind his back.
and maybe if your dh told him that you dont know that unless he comes forward willingly then your dh will tell you about it that way your bf dh might feel trust in your dh and open up to him about it all.
Just try not to let this come between your friendship what ever happens.

rumtumtigger · 05/04/2006 19:36

Don't tell if you want to stay friends

Kabsy · 06/04/2006 14:28

Ditto Shimmy,

You never know what is going on in someone else's relationships there could be an explanation (possibly one that you would never dream of!) and after all your friend may know, how do you know she isn't turning a blind eye or they have an 'open' relationship?.. some people do!

Think no if you want to stay friends. I wouldn't appreciate it no matter how close a friend.

GRAVITY · 08/04/2006 06:16

mcw - from my point of view - if a friend had of told me my dh was cheating i would have been so upset at them (even though appreciative eventually miles down the track)but other than seeing it with my own eyes (which it took) or hearing from his mouth (i wish) I personally think it is hard for an individual to accept their loved one is seeing someone else (but then again thats all he mey be doing "seeing" for yet to be known reason) i do strongly agree with the "let him know he has been seen then they can take it from there..... the only thing i fear in this though is it does give him opportunity to concoct a story who this woman was - but then again i think too much

Original poster

MCW · 08/04/2006 10:03

Thanks for all your input. It is much appreciated .
I have had a long think and I see that if I do anything at all it will be to talk somehow to my friend's DH. I will not mention it to her at all unless I absolutely need to (which I sincerely hope will be never).
DH doesn't think I should do anything. I doubt I will be able to get him to speak to her DH. They know eachother but aren't good friends or anything.
Anyway, thank so much

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