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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i over reacting ?

17 replies

smeggs · 04/04/2006 22:16

Hello,i havent posted before but i need to just have a rant and i am in search of solidarity. DH has basically that i am not coping with the house work. He says that my 2 other boys should help more. Which i agree with. But his manner and the words he is using basically says to me that i am not doing enough. He says that he expects his house clean and tidy, and that he should not have to do anything when he gets home. I am maternity leave, and yes there have been days when i may have been lazy, but i dont expect him to do it, i can do it the next day. For the past 6 months i have been stuck indoors all day, I have suffered from a bit of depression, and spend most of my day feeding changing and washing. However he seems to think he is doing most of the work, and we are just trashing it behind him. He used the words s-hole and squalor when describing how we live. We have 3 boys and basically they are on me 24-7. I give him his space, dont ask where his money goes, and i feel like crap. And all he will say is , isaid what i said. Thanks if you got this far. x

OP posts:

starlover · 04/04/2006 22:17

tell HIM to look after the kids for a week. then see how much he expects you to do!

argh! men like this really make me fume

ItalianJob · 04/04/2006 22:19

nope, you're not overreacting, agree with Starlover, he should try looking after the kids and keeping the house to his standards! how old are your children?

ItalianJob · 04/04/2006 22:20

and saying it's his house is pretty unimpressive - who does he think you are, wife or aupair?

fuzzywuzzy · 04/04/2006 22:20

How old are your sons?? You know they probably take their cue from their father...
Tell him you need a cleaner.

starlover · 04/04/2006 22:22

and also point out, that his job ends in the evenings and weekends... yours is 24/7...

madrose · 04/04/2006 22:22

why do men think that we have a magic wand that we can wave to sort things out. I have this arguement all the time with ny DH and I work 4 days, and he's been on gardening leave!!!!!

Worse he ropes his mother in on how crap i am

MagicGenie · 04/04/2006 22:22

Tell you what - if he doesn't like the 'squalor', how about asking him to stump up some of his dosh for a cleaner a couple of hours a week?!!

Cheeky sh*t!!!!

Original poster

smeggs · 04/04/2006 22:23

Thanks, my kids are 11,9 and 6 months. Thing is, if we did do that he would do such a great job just to prove it. He can be a smarmy git sometimes. Just dont know what to do, he says there are other women out there who manage it. Feel like i am useless and crap at everything.

OP posts:

Angeliz · 04/04/2006 22:24

Good point fuzzywuzzy.

What an awful archaic attitude your dp seems to have. DEFINATELY try to leave them al with him for a day and come back not at a set time and see if he has the house tidy!

fuzzywuzzy · 04/04/2006 22:24

Also why don't you expect him to do stuff around the house, I expect dp to, a relationship is a joint effort, your not his skivvy.

Does he do anything around the house during his days off??

Angeliz · 04/04/2006 22:25

Well with a 6 month old i wouldn't expect anyones house to be clean and tidy. If it was then i'd think it was odd TBH.

ItalianJob · 04/04/2006 22:25

no wonder you're depressed, having to deal with an attitude like his! has DH always said this sort of stuff to you/been so awkward about housework? or has it only recently become an issue since you had your baby?

starlover · 04/04/2006 22:26

yeah I have an arrangement with dp.

i do the most of the housework, but we BOTH have to make sure the kitchen is clean and tidy before we go to bed

at weekends we spend one morning having a good go over everything

Original poster

smeggs · 04/04/2006 22:28

he does help and i dont dispute it. But even though he is having a go at the boys for not helping me, i feel like he is getting at me and that it is my problem, I told him how i was hearing it and he was laughing and said i am starting a row. Hoe would he like it if i pointed out the things that i wish he would do with the boys, but he doesnt. Its like it is the final nail in the cofin, so to speak.

OP posts:

monkeytrousers · 04/04/2006 22:28

What is this obsession people have with housework. Tell him if it bothers him to do it himself, otherwise he needs to get a bloody life.

No, probably he doesn't see how hard your life is, including battling the depression and the apathy that comes with it, a task in itself. One thing you may try to say is that things are hard for you both at the mo, with young kids they always are but that's part of the deal you take when you decide to have kids in the first place. You are both taking the strain and it will stretch you both for a while - you (and he) needs to keep an eye on the bigger picture. No family should argue over bloody housework!

fuzzywuzzy · 04/04/2006 22:31

smeggs have you seen your GP about your depression??

I'd get a cleaner to be honest...

edam · 04/04/2006 22:31

He was laughing at you while you were trying to tell him how he makes you feel? The man has no respect for you. Needs kicking into line sharpish. Or kicking out.

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