partner has left im pregnant

[Stressed81]

Would love some advice im so low at the moment.
I am 31 and a mum to 5 children (3 from a previous relationship) and I am currently pregnant with number 6. The pregnancy wasnt planned, I was on the pill but had a stomach bug around time I conceived. Partner wanted me to have an abortion and to a point bullied me,I gave in and made an appointment but when I got there I couldnt do jt. Fast forward im now 21 weeks. Partner wasnt very supportive wouldnt attend scans with me always made an excuse ie work etc. I booked a private scan at a time he couldnt get out of and he came though he had no interest in being there. Once he saw the baby he mellowed and even took me looking at prams afterwards. That was 5 weeks ago. He has been picking arguments always going out to the gym called me fat and ugly on a few occasions when I have asked what the lack of affection was about. Last tuesday he picked an argument and walked out on me and the children. On thursday night I was in a lot of pain and started to bleed.. Rang and asked him to take me to hospital he refused. He wouldnt even come watch the children. A neighbour watched them for me. I had to stay in. Scan showed I suffered a partial placental abruption. I again tried to call him as did hospital he ignored us all. I had no one to mind children so against doctors advice i discharged myself. On friday my Grandma died. He hasnt asked how I was until yesterday. He the told me he wished baby had died. He said he left because i nag a lot (probably true but he does nothing in house) and that he is never coming back. I asked about children when he wanted them and that we needed financial support he refused. This is out of character he has totally changed. I have wondered if there is someone else. I feel so down and heartbroken. How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work. Any advice? sorry its so long

Yes, good point, I did that.

When it came to mediation and XH didn't know anything about anything I could tell him what he had ....

We didnt really have any shared bills etc. He pays some I pay the others. He seems in no rush to pick his things up or transfer the virgin tv internet phone thats in his name to mine, Or change his adress with the bank.

Personally tonight I am really struggling have spent most of the night crying. I am so angry I am in this position I feel like I have been totally abandoned. From the texts he sends he is angry with me! Im not sure what I have done to deserve it.
The baby is very active tonight and I am so upset that he is missing it, I feel sorry for the baby he didnt ask to be brought into all of this. I feel like I am to blame.
My autistic soon is struggling so bad-again I feel like its my fault.
The children keep crying for daddy! I feel guilty.
The person who should feel guilty is probably sat guilt free enjoying his life. Really is unfair :(

Hugs for you. It is hard. I still sit and cry sometimes at how bloody unfair it all is... But I'm happy most of the time...

It will come to you in time. It's such early days for you still.

Stressed, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My situation is similar to yours - my H walked out in August, I since discovered I'm pregnant. So I'm also facing it alone, although I don't have any other children. I'm 22 weeks, so at a similar stage to you.

Just to reiterate what others have said - use this board as much as possible to vent and gain information. It was and has been unvaluable to me during the last few weeks and months - full of emotional reassurance and practical tips on what you can do to protect yourself and your children. So many people on here have helped me through such a difficult time, and I'm sure they will do for you.

Take care of yourself, you sound very brave, and I know you will be ok.

How are you getting on now lou? Does the pain ease? Is you baby's dad being supportive attending scans will he be at the birth? I dont know how I am supposed to deal with being pregnant with a baby that the father doesnt want. Its out of character for him to do what he has done and despite the fact he has really hurt me I dont want him to keep making mistakes that will affect him and my son.
He has been on a diet (even though he is quite slim) and he looks ill. His face is drawn and he has big black rings arounds his eyes. I asked him to rethink his diet and was told Im just jealous!

Im being accussed of so many things. Our youngest son was crying for his daddy so i asked him to speak to him on the phone he said that I hit him so that he would cry for him so he felt guilty and would come running back. How sad does he think I am?

God, stressed - Is it out of character? I can't beleive someone would say such things to the mother of his child (or abandon his other children either) - is he on drugs? Medication? What would make him behave like this? I think you are right, there prob is another, fancy-free woman on his scene, but even so....

You do sound better off without him, even with the spd and 6 children - at least you will know what's going on and when you are settled into it, it will get better.

Sorry for your dc, crying for daddy. They are very adaptive (i know, it's trite) but if dp's gone, it's one less thing to worry about. Concentrate on yourself, your dc, your pregnancy, your life.

He gave up smoking. He had champix but as far as i am aware he isnt on that now. He isnt on drugs and he doesnt drink. He is a perfect peter. He thinks he is too good for me always has. He is from quite a well to do family and is very opinionated- all the time I have been with him he has not once said sorry-never he thinks he is always right. He has always looked at porn online to the point it affected our relationship. I would say if there was such a thing as a sex addict (i know doctors cant agree if its an addiction or not) then he is one.
Thats what first made me think he was seeing someone else as we have always had lots of sex and it dwindled down to nothing. That the gym diet smoking new clothes random text. I actually asked him straight out about 5 weeks ago which is when he said no its because you fat ugly and pregnant with a baby I dont want why would I fancy you? That really hurt.
He still hasnt picked his things up. He has said he never wants to get back together but he is acting strange.
I need a new living room door he text me this morning asking me to find one but that he wanted one with frosted glass? ?? I mean what he isnt even here-why does he care what the door is like and that he wanted a handle to match all the other door handles
Then he starts sending me links to christmas trees asking which I would like him to get.. Saying that it was a hundred pounds but we normally get a real one so it will pay for itself in 2 years! Someone explain his erratic behaviour - and he says i am mental

If he is going to the gym a lot it could be a) he is replacing that as his addiction and/or b) he is taking steroids (far more common than you might think.

Do take copies of all his financial details, so you can fight if he tries to not support his children.

All of his wage slips are in the filing cabinet i taken copies today. He takes home 3k a month and so far he is refusing to give me a penny. I doubt he is on steroids as he looks so frail and ill. Maybe right that he has an addictive personality

Hi Stressed. I will be facing this pregnancy alone, although I have a good RL support network. He sent me a text asking for the baby to be aborted back in August. We'd been trying to conceive for 3 years, latterly attending a fertility clinic.

Re: the pain. First few weeks were horrible. But it settles. And I have to say anger has been very positive for me. I've always felt very angry with him, more than upset, simply because I can usually channel anger into something (even if it's only giving the kitchen a really good clean!). Yes, there have been down days, and if I'm honest I still walk around the house chuntering to someone imaginery about what a shit he's been ( ), but ultimately I'm still standing and I'm ok. Obviously, my situation is a bit different to yours, but one thing I think you'll find is that you have an inner strength that you didn't know about. There will be crap days, but there will also be good days. And you need to stay strong for your children and the baby growing inside your tummy, which I'm sure you will.

Stressed - have you had any legal advice? he can't just leave you without anything. I agree he sounds a bit un-hinged - talking about never coming back then demanding a certain xmas tree - so I'd suggest you get some advice straight away.

Assume he is not coming back - and to be honest it sounds like you'd be better off if he didn't. Sex addiction? No, he just can't see why he shouldn't have sex. He says such awful things; I'd have chucked him out long ago if he'd called me fat and ugly. Honestly it is better to live alone that to listen to that sort of agression. You don't need to, you can do it all yourself.

One thing tho - you say he looks gaunt and ill/black circles under the eyes. Are you sure he's not on drugs? He takes home 3K a month - can you see where it all goes?

I honestly dont think he is on anything. He is very anti drugs and i dont believe he would take them. Not had legal advice as we wasnt married as far as i know csa is the only route to go down. I thought the tree n doors was a way to have a little control over me. Like he doesnt want me but still wants to tell me what i should and shouldnt be doing.

You not being married is not important legally - if you were living together and he is named as the father on the dc birth certs. Honestly, get legal advice - post on the legal boards here for starters at least. He cannot just up and leave his responsibilities behind, whether he wants to or not. He has 2 (for now) children, he has to provide for them, whether he wants to or not. The fact that he wanted you to have an abortion is neither here nor there. The fac that he thinks he is too good for you and from a well-to-do family is neither here nor there.

Incidentally, what does his well-to-do mother think of him just abandoning his kids? What does she think of his appalling treatment of you?

The drugs thing - you think he is ill tho? He looks 'frail, ill' - your words. Would it be possible to talk to a doctor about depression? The stopping smoking is prob not related, it's stressful and twitch-making but it wouldn't result in such awful behaviour.

Read some of the other threads on here about DPs who just up and leave. They are sometimes depressing (and depressingly similar) but also uplifting and inspirational.

Catching this thread late, what a dreadful time you've been having. So sorry about your Great Grandma too.

It takes two to make a baby, unplanned or not. His behaviour stinks. Very often the speed with which this happens makes a person left behind question whether there is some medical reason behind such "out of character" unkindness, detachment and selfish-arseyitis.

It does sound likely he has OW already or at the very least lined up. Heartless just to parachute out of the whole situation - yet as you say, he still wants to jerk your chain now and then over superficialities. Good idea from captainmummy regarding posting on Legal.

No surprise about his mother's attitude, sorry but I wouldn't put it past him to have painted a poor picture of life with you to his family and friends/colleagues. Once things descend to name calling and fault finding, there's usually a fair bit of history rewriting happening too so he puts himself in a better light (!) for walking out on you and DCs.

Glad you have a good friend locally, keep posting here the valuable advice from people who have endured similar is inspirational.

I think the him looking ill is to do with his diet he is under 11 stone and 5ft9 so he doesnt need to lose weight!
Yes he has always painted me out to be far worse than i am. His mother has lost all the respect I had for her.
Im struggling with a few issues. He has hardly seen the children in the 10 days he has been gone. He thinks he can show up for 10 minutes after work and then leave again. Our 4 year old wouldnt speak to him yesterday. He says between work and the gym he doesnt have time to have them. Where he is living isnt suitable (house share) I know I cant force him to have the children but its really upsetting them.
Then the baby I am having.. He hasnt said if he wants to attend the birth but after everything he has done I dont feel he deserves to be there... Why should I do all the hard work for him to get the nice bit at the end. The name.. We couldnt agree on one when we was together so do I let him help choose or should i pick a name i like? .
Also birth certificate and last name... At the moment I dont want the baby having his name or any parental rights... Or am I being petty because Im hurt ? One thing aftet another

If you are not married then I don't think you have to put his name on the brith cert, but that might mean problems financially later. No you can't force him to see the dc; his loss. He will still have to provide for them regardless. Kids are adaptable; it's sad but they will survive, they have you. They will get used to him not being there. Again, his loss.

It's up to you if you want him at the birth. Entirely your decision. You're only 21 weeks, so plenty of time to get to that stage.

In the meantime, you need to thnk about how and where you are going to live, how much he will provide financially, what childcare you need. Assume he will do and pay the least possible.

And get to a CAB or solicitor!

The house is mine I had it before we met. At least I dont have that to worry about.
No I dont have to put his name on birth certificate our other 2 he is on there but he didnt walk out on me pregnant with them. Just will be a bit strange I guess having the 2 with his surname and this one with mine.Your right in that i have a long time to decide whats for the best.

If you're not married you can't name him as father unless he attends the Registry Office with you and gives his consent to be named on the birth certificate.

Yes I know but he will want baby to have his surname despite all he has done i dont think he deserves it. As i said am i being petty because im hurt :(

If you dont want the baby to have his surename dont

Even if you put his last name he has no rights. You can have the babys name same as yours.

He cant be put on the BC unless he attends with you.

Possibly, you are hitting out at him in the only way you can. Don't worry about it too much now.

At least you don't have the problem of where you are all going to live. You and the dc will stay in your house. Now you need to know how much you will have to live on - the CSA will help there.

And personally I think you will be so much happier without the stress of him, his insults and hurtful comments, his stroppiness, his non-help.

How are you feeling about him leaving, now? Now that the initial pain and shock has worn off?

Im very up and down. I feel lonely when the children are in bed and im alone.
He was supposed to be taking children out for tea and spending some time with them. He didnt show up. Until that I have tried to be dignified and take the moral high ground. I let rip told him I was sick of his shit that he was sick for letting his children suffer,that I am pissed off with looking at his crap all over the house and that I would contact the csa.
He responds with.... You losing your temper proves me right for leaving you (and believe it or not I wish I wasnt) That he wouldnt becoming for them and it was all my fault.

I cant believe the games he is playing. Its almost like he wants me to beg him to come back that i will do as im told from now on and feel im lucky to have him. Starting to wonder if the doors and tree also played a part. . Ie he had what he wanted incase he decided to come back. He obviously thinks the ball is in his court and he can do what he wants. Not this time.
I dont think I need to worry about him being involved with baby.. He hasnt told work im pregnant and only has 3 weeks left to book paternity leave (i think he is seeing ow at work and she would find out) He told me earlier he isnt bothering booking any so he obviously doesnt want to be a part of it.

I have decided to cut contact for now.

Please contact the CSA asap, they don't backdate payments and you will regret it later if you don't.

Then, as hard as it is, just focus on your children & yourself to get you through this pregnancy.

Cut contact sounds good, stressed - in fact you seem to be dealing with it remarkably well! Don't be lonely - post on here in the evenings!

You're right, he's playing 'the game'. 'It's all your fault' - well, he's following the script. He wants to have an 'excuse' for leaving his you and dc, so has to find fault somewhere, anywhere. You can't force him to see the dc. You can't force them to want to see him.

Honestly - read some of the threads of other women, left with dc, left pregnant, left in debt. The bastard DPs in all of those follow the same pattern. Blame the missus, dump the kids, live the high old life. They have no idea what they are chucking away.

Karma normally bites them in the bum, soon enough.

My favourite comment from one such 'scorned' wife - 'I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold!'