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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just need to have a quick rant about my friend who is having an affair with a married man...

22 replies

emkana · 04/04/2006 21:22

...I posted about her a while ago, some of you may remember.

She has met up with this guy a few times now, and the last time they talked about the situation and he said he wouldn't leave his wife because of their child, but that he wasn't happy.

Blah blah blah

My friend quite happy though to continue seeing him but feeling proud of herself because she told him she didn't want to be "the other woman"

FFS he said he won't leave his wife and he's shagging my friend... so what is she if not the bloody other woman?

I'm losing all respect for her, I really am.

OP posts:

kid · 04/04/2006 21:25

Where does she see this relationship going?

She needs it pointing out to her that she may not want to be the other woman but thats exactly what she is!

Original poster

emkana · 04/04/2006 21:26

She thinks it's still early days and everything will fall into place somehow.

Totally deluded.

OP posts:

ChicPea · 04/04/2006 21:26

Glad I have spotted you emkana. Thought of you today as read in the Telegraph Features about Imogen (can't remember her surname) who tried IVF but got preg naturally only to be told that her baby from the scans looked like it had dwarfism. She went to GOS some months after baby was born and they measured baby and said that it didn't have dwarfism and end of story. I am hoping that the same will be for you. Maybe you could read the article on the internet?

Next · 04/04/2006 21:28

Don't lose respect for her, shes obviously blinded by lust or even love for this idiot. Shes going to get her heart broken, so just be there for her, annoying as it may be.

(Sorry haven't read other threads re this, so apologise if my reply hasn't taken other stuff into account!)

red37 · 04/04/2006 21:32

My ex had an affair, I was absolutely devastated, does she realise how much upset it can cause, especially if children are involved.

Original poster

emkana · 04/04/2006 21:32

ChicPea, thanks for that, just read the article online!
God it would be so wonderful if it was true for me...
but I daren't think about that, I feel I need to prepare for the worst.
But thanks again, it's so kind of you to think of me!

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 04/04/2006 21:33

red37 - that's it, she totally blocks out the fact that there are people involved, but when she was with her ex, she was jealous to the point of obsession, even though he never gave her any reason to be!

OP posts:

red37 · 04/04/2006 21:34

Have you pointed this out to her?

alittlebitshy · 04/04/2006 21:36

this is a subject I can feel for. a lot.

a friend of mine at uni was in a relationship with a married man. she was 18, he was 40 ffs. Apparantly he liked her from when she was 14 (urgh!).

This went on all through uni - he was with her the night after his wife has given birth to their second child, she went with him when he worked away, she loved it and the attention.

It ended up that my (now)dh and her fell out over his views on the matter, and i haven't seen her for 5 years now. I hear from mutual friends that he sort of lives with her, but not full time. Guess where he is the rest of the time? he's got it made! His wife knows but never fully kicked him out.

He is her dream. she wants children by him-but given that he had the snip about 2 years into their relationship, despite what it is reported to me (by my spies lol) about how he wants children... it;s not gonna happen.

This kind of thing tears so many relationships apart.

I am so so so sad that she would not maintain a friendship with me, but then again, someone hating my dh is not someone to yearn for a friendship with is it?

am i waffling?
Probably. Anyhow, just wanted to say.. i have so much to say on this topic, but it just won;t all come tumbling out right now.

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 19:02

red37 - I haven't tbh, I have so much else going on in my life that I haven't got the strength to risk a possible falling out with this friend.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 05/04/2006 20:03

I think that women who get involved with married men are so stupid. TBH I don’t agree with the general view that some have that women are home wreckers etc because it’s the man who is married and not the woman, but I do think that these women are generally blinded by love and the promise of better times down the road. It will all end in tears, possibly for her and for the man’s wife if she finds out, she may have told him that she’s not the other woman but that’s exactly what she is, and while she’s with this man she will never find a meaningful relationship. He can’t possibly love her, if he did he’d leave his wife and he’s already told her he’s got no intention of doing so so she obviously is just incapable of seeing him for what he is, a lying, cheating b**stard.

Bugsy2 · 05/04/2006 20:11

Feel so sad for everyone involved in this. What does she think is going to happen? That somehow the sex she gives him is going to be so amazing that he leaves his wife & child anyway? I doubt it somehow. The only way he'll leave is if his wife finds out & kicks him out, which is of course, a distinct possibility as men are often very careless about hiding their affairs (like my ex-H).
Bad situation all round really! Sadly it probably won't matter what you say, Emkana, she has somehow managed to justify her behaviour in her head, so she won't listen to you. I think all you can do is voice your concerns for her wellbeing in this & be there to pick up the inevitable pieces. Big sigh.

kama · 05/04/2006 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 23:19

Sorry kama I can't find it!

OP posts:

Oblomov · 05/04/2006 23:29

I remember your original post - can't find it though, sorry.
We should feel sorry for her really, shouldn't we ?
Like other have said, what does she think is going to be the end result ?
Walking away into the sunset with a ring & kids ?
NOT !!!!!
Poor girl.
Deluded.

Original poster

emkana · 05/04/2006 23:33

It really saddens me as well, I fear that at this rate she'll never have children and that would be such a tragedy.

OP posts:

mixedemotions123 · 06/04/2006 21:33

not being nosey, but where is the concern for his wife? She is the one who is the victim here, as she has no choice in what is going on around her. Personally ( please don't get eggy with me), I think that if a woman is prepared to embark on a relationship with a married man especially when there are children involved, have only got themselves to blame if it all blows up in her face. She has a choice of whether or not to get involved, the poor bloody wife doesn't really have a choice. Either way she is the one who has to live with the consequences of 'the other woman'.[sorry, I am not really a sour old cow, whose hubby had an affair]!!!!!!!

Bugsy2 · 06/04/2006 21:52

I think we all know (particularly those of us whose stupid *rse husbands had affairs) that the biggest vote of sympathy goes to the wife, but Emkana is trying to find a way to help her friend, so that's why we probably haven't been talking about what a pile of poo it is for the poor, unknowing wife!

optimistic · 06/04/2006 22:00

most men cannot resist a free dip in the sweetie
jar,she will get hurt

mixedemotions123 · 07/04/2006 08:09

How old is your friend? I am not saying that age makes a big difference, but maybe she is young enough to get her own life back on track when she realises that he is a complete tw*t. Hope this is the case.

Original poster

emkana · 07/04/2006 08:22

Well she will be 34 this year and my biggest worry is that she will waste too much time on this bloke and in the end it will be too late for her to start a family with someone else.

OP posts:

ChicPea · 07/04/2006 10:59

Emkana, have added to your other thread. Look up Lyn Chitty at Univresity College Hosp in London as she specialises in Dwarfism and does preg scans and measurements. Read about her in Imogen EdwardsJones' book 'The Stork Club' yesterday.

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