Does this adult/dc relationship seem odd???

[Movingforward123]

I am a single parent and have at times lived at my mums with my dd and my mums partner! My mum is 55 partner is 32!

My dd is 5 and I am uncomfortable with the relationship between her and my mums partner! He is generally very quiet but has always seemed close to dd, which I was fine with because she practically grew up in my mums house and still spends a lot of time there!

In the summer I became uncomfortable when dd went away with my mum and her partner! When they came back he seemed very close to dd and I just didn't like how they played together and it all seemed to close for comfort.

I had spoke to my mum about this and told her I don't want dd sleeping in my mums bed with my mum and partner as its not right for a grown man to sleep with a 5year old that he is not related to.

A couple of weeks ago dd told me that they had all slept in the same bed again! So I feel like my mum is not respecting my wishes!

Also in the summer after the holiday I noticed the partner was asking my dd for kisses and when she kissed him they kissed on the lips. I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!

I just feel a grown man should be making the boundeaies with a child but instead find myself telling dd, don't kiss him etc!

I think I will have another chat with my mum about it and possibly the partner too.

This can help anyone who needs to talk to children about protecting themselves:

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/files/Parents%20Protect%20SMART%20for%20Adults-Children.pdf

It's from the website Parents Protect - link in my post above.

The one thing missing from Olgagas link is to teach your children its not ok for someone to ask them to touch their private areas either.

What QuietlySuggests said.

OP you sound so passive in all of this. You really do need to speak up and step up to the mark. I am sure it is hard, parenting on your own, but you really don't need to expose your daughter to what may or may not be happening. I don't like the sound of it; you don't like the sound of it. Do something about it for goodness sake. Or would that be too hard?

imperial i have always told my dd that she should never keep secrets from me. even if she is in trouble at school, i always say tell me the truth, if you tell the truth you wont be in trouble. so that she can always feel like she can talk to me.

sometimes my mum will say things like "dont tell mummy you had that chocolate" and i always say infrount of dd "me and dd do not keep secrets" and always tell my mum that secrets are not acceptable as dd needs to tell me everything.

when i was growing up, my dad was very paranoid about sexual abuse. we were never allowed to stay at friends house etc, and we were told from a very young age about if people touch us etc we must tell him. so i am always aware of this and have always tried to make it that she wont keep secrets because if this.

If the truth is told, it is almost impossible to keep your children safe from a predator, especially if that predator is someone they know and love.

Follow your instinct, better to follow it and be wrong than the alternative.

I think that if your daughter won't go to bed alone at other people's houses then she isn't old enough to stay with other people. I don't think you can insist your mum doesn't sleep with her lover, but in that situation your daughter shouldn't be staying overnight, and I'd be telling her that you have to be a big girl and able to sleep in your own bed before staying with other people, although with this bloke's creepy behaviour I'd be reluctant to let her go alone even if she did stay in her own bed.

If you click on the link it gives you some "Smart Rules for Adults to Share with Children" - one of them is:

Respect your body and remember it is private.
No one has the right to touch you on your private
areas (those covered by your swim suit).

Sorry - that last post was for izzy.

OP, it sounds like you are doing all the right things but are strangely in awe of or rather too dependent on your mum for childcare.

I think you need to seriously think about stopping overnight stays altogether. What other occasions would require your DD to be there when your mum's boyfriend is also there?

olgaga yes what it doesn't say is DCs must touch someone else in their private areas - it deals with someone touching DCs - not getting DCs to touch them iyswim.

*DCs must not touch

I apologise for saying I think you're being a bit hysterical. I work in a field where I am well aware of child abusers unfortunately mainly being family members. I just hate the automatic assumption that a man who is perhaps a bit overfriendly (and perhaps completely innocent) is a paedophile and going to abuse your child. It makes me really angry and I do feel for men sometimes who may be just a tad socially inept.

The girlfriend/wet willy thing is odd though yes. But with regards to the sleeping in bed, that's your mum facilitating that - not him, yes? If you are feeling very uncomfortable and your instincts are telling you that something is amiss then of course keep her away from him. But it sounds like your mum is not someone to be placing your trust in either, if she will not respect your wishes.

MovingForward - well done. I'm sure that conversation with your mum was not an easy one to have. Much like when I had the convo with my mum about my stepdad. She made out that I was making a big deal out of nothing because I've never liked him, but the things I witnessed were wrong and my niece and her friend did say they felt uncomfortable about the way he touched them, the way he looked at them and the things he said to them.

I still think that my stepfather is a pervert. But I have no concrete evidence for this.

I was disowned by my mother that day and she told members of the family that I had called him a pervert, that I had broken the trust of my niece and that I was spreading vicious gossip about him. In truth I had told no-one but it caused a lot of trouble within the family and hardly anyone took my side. Plus when they saw how my mother was treating me, they took that as a warning to keep quiet themselves.

So I applaud you for sticking up for your dd and keeping her safe. It is very very difficult when you have no evidence, when all you have to go on is a feeling and some behaviour that is inappropriate but could be explained away by him being unfamiliar with the culture.

Don't accept excuses though. You have clearly defined boundaries with your daughter and he has overstepped those boundaries on more than one occasion.

Do try to get that Sydney the Snail Plays Safe book. It's great for reading with kids. In fact, as it seems to be unavailable, I'll PM you and if you send me your address I'll post you my copy as my kids are older now.

Oh and I'm from the North West, have lived in Scotland, Cumbria and now in the south and have never heard of "wet willy" either. Sounds like the kind of game that kids do to each other, not with grown-ups though. When an adult does that, it does seem creepy.

Don't let anyone make you feel that you are hysterical or taking things out of context or over-reacting. You are not. Your daughter is your priority and I'm sure if other people felt uncomfortable they would take the same course of action. Most people have had this feeling and know exactly what you mean, so you don't need to explain further.

I hope this doesn't lead to tensions with your mum but if it does, remember that your dd overrules your mother everytimes. I don't have any contact with mine anymore. She demonstrated on a number of occasions that we meant nothing to her. She doesn't love me or my kids and merely used me as a tool to create tension and ill-feeling in the family which she then thrived on. I hope that your relationship works out a little better x

Oh I get you izzy. I think that's a very good point. So good that in fact I just emailed them to point it out!

olgaga it's the bitter voice of experience - I have read ever single piece of advice out there - I followed it all to the letter and there has been nothing suggested I didn't do - but my children were still not safe.

My personal opinion these days is it is all couched in too woolly language and not specific enough.

I won't make that mistake again.

You need to point out to children that NOBODY has the right to make them do ANYTHING that feels uncomfortable.

The Sydney Snail book goes on about trusting their own feelings and if they feel uncomfortable for ANY reason, they should tell a trusted adult. They do not have to explain why.

I think that's an important point to raise with kids. Sometimes you just feel uncomfortable around a person or you may be in a situation that doesn't feel right. You don't need to have a reason for this. You should trust what your instincts are telling you and you should immediately seek out a trusted adult.

I've told dd that it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is or where she is, we would always come to get her. She should never stay in a situation out of politeness. We won't expect her to explain why she feels uncomfortable and we would never be cross with her.

Sometimes we enforce this rule of politeness onto children and we can be too rigid about getting them to explain themselves and their actions. Feelings simply aren't spoken about and it's important that children learn to listen to those feelings.

izzy, I'm sure you did everything you could, as we all do, to keep our children safe but adults are cunning, they are clever and they are very very good at hiding their true intentions and covering their tracks.

I did criminology at Uni and I remember distinctly an interview with a paedophile in which he was asked about a girl he had murdered. The question was what could have been done to prevent him from targeting her. He answered that nothing would have prevented him from getting the girl, then he paused and said that perhaps if the mother had never let the child out of her sight, but then he added that he would have probably just killed the mother too.

The full details are horrible but I wanted to illustrate just how these people work sometimes. You can be the best parent in the world but if evil is determined enough, it will find a way through.

I hope you and your family are safe now xxx

My children are as safe as they can be - my SD is living with a self confessed paedophile and there is nothing we can do about it.

I'm so sorry. You can only hope that he gets reported and locked up can't you? I don't understand why they are allowed back into society. You cannot 'cure' a paedophile, the tendencies will always be there and so they will always present a danger to children. What is the answer?

therhubarb perhaps the start would be not allowing people who are on bail for rape and sex with a child to live with under 18s - particularly potential witnesses.

Well that would be a basic rule yes and I cannot believe that has happened.
There is a report out today that basically says that young girls (and boys) are being raped and sexually abused by gangs and how this is dealt with differs from area to area.

Our children are being failed by bodies of so-called professional people who are failing to apply even basic common sense to situations.

And we are powerless to act and prevent further abuse. It all sucks

Izzy every time I see your name I automatically picture someone shaving a baby.

quietly yes - sadly I agree.

therhubarb yes it happens - SS have no power of removal unless here is a conviction despite trying to give a different impression. They can only suggest.