Emotional affair...what next?

[jenny99]

I've posted before but don't know how to link. Have been married for 13 yrs but unhappy for 2. Nothing majorly wrong just unhappy. Fallen out of love with my OH. Over the last few months I've been in contact with an old boyfriend. The one that got away. Call me blinkered but its as tho we were never apart. We haven't yet met up as he lives abroad. (With kids but divorced). I have now decided I want to see him and that enough with the EA but also enough lying. I won't see him whilst still with my OH. I have this week been talking about separating, spare rooms, moving out, etc. my OH is desperate to not have a broken family and to stay with me. He says he will live in a sexless marriage if it means we don't cause the heartbreak of divorce for the kids. He can't understand why I want to split up given that we still get on in general and hold the same views/ideals on life. I guess the real reason for me, other than falling out of love and being bored is the OM. And I know I am a fool but that is my stupid decision. I am trying to make one sensible decision by separating before making it a physical relationship. Should I be honest with OH and say I have feelings for someone else? I don't want to cause more hurt than necessary but he just doesn't understand why I am doing this and I can see why not. I am so confused about how to handle this. I know it's wrong and I know nothing may happen with the OM but I am prepared to take that chance. I just want to take it in the most appropriate way....ie not when I am still married. We have spent so long on email and FaceTime I'm pretty sure of both our feelings. And well aware that if my OH saw those messages he may well already consider it an affair. However, we both have kids in foreign countries therefore have no permanent future together for the next 10 yrs at least. But I am still prepared to be with him in a long distance relationship. I know I'm crazy. I am very emotional right now and can't think straight. If you are still reading, thank you.

Thank you. The 'to a point' but is coming to a head because I feel I need to be more honest.

He has offered to change jobs now and move house (which I have wanted to do for 10yrs). I just don't know that that would make a difference anymore.

I told the homeopath that I believe him to be my soulmate and all the other facts but not that I am yet ending the marriage. When I saw her I wasn't there yet. Was just thinking about it. The way you put it it does sound ridiculous. And crazy. It is.

But I know that I do want to see him. And can't do that whilst married.

I think I need to talk to my husband and tell him I have developed feelings for somebody else.

One more question....it seems I should be honest to put OH out of his misery/misunderstanding of how the situation arose.

What are my 'rights' ? OH leaves home at 6.30am an returns around 8/9pm. He often only has 15 mins with the kids on a weekday. I have been a sahm for 14 yrs. I don't want to throw him out. But likewise I don't see how me going would be anything less than hugely disruptive to the kids and not really practical as he would have to take compassionate leave. I don't want to take the kids away from him. Not do I want to not be honest just so I get to stay with the kids. All selfish I know but trying to be practical too. I also know daddy is way more fun. He get the fun stuff and weekends. I'm the nag....homework etc.

Something I often see in women who are frustrated about workaholic partners is a failure to acknowledge how they have personally benefited from the arrangement and colluded with it when it suited them. I might be way off here but it strikes me that a woman who believes in soulmates and that romance conquers all, is unlikely to have ever had her esteem defined by professional success and paid work.

So while I understand that you're currently locked in a script about a lonely long-suffering wife who's had to raise her children single-handedly and has always pined for her long-lost love, be honest with yourself about what you've gained from this arrangement. Has it allowed you to be a SAHP and is this what you would have always preferred, rather than success in the adult world of work? Has it given you a standard of living you'd have been unable to have had through your own efforts? Has it allowed you to pursue hobbies and interests you otherwise wouldn't have had time for?

I'd urge you to be harder on yourself and face up to some painful self-awareness. Try a different counsellor to the homeopath. Talk to friends who will be honest with you, about you.

Most of all you need some real-life scrutiny from someone with their feet on the ground and who sees life realistically and not through a romantic lens. I get the sense that your romantic mindset is even getting in the way of seeing your husband's feelings towards you, realistically. Once he knows the whole truth, he might realise that he's been hiding away at work for a reason - because you weren't the right person for him and this wasn't the right relationship. His script is probably as fixed as yours i.e 'I'm working long hours for my family's sake' when that is rarely the truth. It might be hard to face up to the fact that in reality, he preferred being at work to his relationship with you but there is likely to be some painful truth in that.

Some of his pain now might be more associated with fear of change than loss of you as an individual, so while it might suit your romantic mindset to think he is devastated and heartbroken, you might be surprised how easily he moves on once a clean break is effected.

Just give him those choices and try to be a bit more practical about yours and why you're making them.

Cross-posted. When parents separate, it's not about their rights. It's about the children's rights to have a relationship with both parents. Older children can elect to live with the parent of their choice, but younger children need to be given the facility to spend time with both.

So consider shared-parenting if your husband decides to downshift his work pattern, or some arrangement where you both have the children for extended periods of time in your own homes. Separating will mean one of you spending less or more time with your children.

Sorry OP but if there is truth in 'the script' you are following it.

I feel you may be alienating your dh and marriage to justify the relationship with OM.

you need to decide if your marriage is over. Not over because of OM. There is a massive difference.

Also I tend to lose respect for men or women that encourage somebody to leave their marriage. Do you respect the OM starting a EA with you and planning to meet etc, knowing that you are currently married?

If fidelity means so little to him (or you) do you trust he will be faithful?