I've been going over this one event in my mind a lot. Need some perspective before I drive myself crazy. It was with my ex-partner, who I've since dumped and am still the evil bitch from hell for it years later. Most sided with him, even my parents were confused and my baby brother was so upset. There was a whole catalogue of beheviour hidden to everyone else but this event has always upset me and to be honest was the start of me getting it together enough to end it. Its only really occurred to me recently that it was rape and I'm so confused, it definitely happened, he always went on about the great sex we had that night after a dry spell while I fucking hated it.
I woke up that night and he was having sex with me. I was so shocked I went on with it. I didn't tell him to stop. I even made appreciative noises, I didn't know what else to do and just wanted it over. I've blamed myself, how could he have known if I made him think I was enjoying it? I was as dry as a fucking bone, that should have been a clue and I was so dry it hurt. He treated me like a rubber doll, shifting me into positions that he wanted while I hurt.
He went on and on about what an amazing night it was and how I loved. All I can think is that I didn't say no.
Really hating myself at the moment, but whats new. I just want to have a functional relationship once in my life and I don't think that is ever going to happen.