Might this be nice? Or is it wrong?

[WantSomethingNice]

Namechanged for this, as I'm not sure if I am being nice or not.

I've been single for 18mths, dated a bit, but not really clicked with anyone, well, there was one but he was not really interested in a relationship, or seeing me more than every 3 weeks for sex

But, one man, I met on the dating site 6mths ago. He's a lovely man, but I didn't feel the 'I fancy you' spark, so I friendzoned him. We still went out every couple of weeks to see a band or for a drink, he's been to my house (brought his guitar, we had the best night), and I to his lovely clean tidy but bohemian flat.

So the crux of it is, I slept with him last night. I still don't feel that mad insane lust spark, but he is such a lovely, lovely man. And it was great.

He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.

But I like his mind, he's doing a PhD, and we can talk for hours about everything. He likes the same films, music, tv, politics, lifestyle as me, and he really really likes me.

I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon.

He's supposed to be coming over for dinner on Monday (we are both busy til then)

What do I DO?? Help me wise vipers.

[WantSomethingNice]

Thank you for all your lovely lovely stories - I thin that's what I was hoping for

This: Don't set out knowing you're waiting for something better because that is selfish & cruel. Is what is worrying me. He seems very keen on me (maybe I'm just not used to this level of niceness?) But I will be as honest as I can. I can't imagine meeting anyone more interesting or more fun to be with - so that's good right? And he was ace in bed - despite 6 pints

Despite all our talk of liking our independence he has text me quite a lot saying he wished he could see me every day. This makes me feel a little bit claustrophobic, even though I want to see him. Argh

[waltermittymissus]

I think you want this but you're not ready to want this IYSWIM?

There's no harm in telling him that you get a little freaked out with the intensity. If he's really as nice as he seems, he will respect your wishes to slow down a little bit.

[WantSomethingNice]

That makes sense walter. I think. I didn't answer his 3am text til just now - and I asked him if he was drunk...

I'll explain on Monday. Slow is better. Just in case.

[FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda]

OP I was in the same position 10 years ago. The man I met was quite handsome but a complete and utter nerd who was surgically attached to his anorak. There was no firey lust sparks from me at all. I doubted something rotten. But then one day I realised I couldn't ever imagine him not being in my life. We've been married for 6 years now and I'm so glad I stuck with him. I know I will never meet anyone as kind, gentle or loving as this man. I love him so much.

So give it time and see what develops.

[MissWinklyParadiso]

I knew DH for about 18 months before he asked me out. I almost said no, because I didn't find him physically attractive at all and I didn't want to waste his time, because I knew he was a lovely bloke. But I said yes, because he was a lovely bloke and I was sick of dating utter bastards. We had a wonderful date and when he kissed me I melted.

We have our problems of course, but now when I look at him I see his beautiful eyes and soft skin and am so pleased I gave someone likeable and nice a fair chance.

[WantSomethingNice]

Argh - you are all convincing me to just go for it and it might be (nearly) perfect. Also he is being v funny via text now... But I have been firm I cannot see him this weekend because my DDs are about.

[awhistlingwoman]

cambridge now I'm in my kitchen cooking lunch, listening to 'Tougher Than The Rest' (never heard it before) and crying into the kids's fishfingers! Your DH sounds like diamond.

[awhistlingwoman]

Oh and WantSomethingNice he sounds great and, like many of the previous posters have said, people's looks may fade but a kind heart and a witty brain are not to be underestimated and last longer. Good luck, have a nice time on Monday

[riskit4abiskit]

I love this thread, the OP is like Bridget Jones!

I'm another one who didn't feel a spark at first but we have been together over a decade! Go for it, he sounds lovely, anyman that likes cuddles is a keeper

[ccarpenton]

He has to "do it for you". He just has to. If you want anything long term with someone then they have to do it for you.

Or else, some halfwit will come along, spark your engine and you'll be left breaking the heart of someone you adore.

"Friendzone" this guy and have accidental sex with him occasionally to tide you over until the right balance of brains and "yes!" comes along. ;)

[WantSomethingNice]

Laughing at Bridget Jones

I had NOT shaved my legs and I had Massive Pants on. With a HOLE in them. He didn't seem to notice...

Argh ccarpenton I'd already friendzoned him... but now it's a bit late what with the shagging confused

[Punkatheart]

I think whatever advice you get here, only you will know. Once upon a time I believed in that instant attraction, huge spark, lust. I had it with my ex but also I found him kind and gentle. Not the best-looking man and overweight - but I loved him very very deeply. He changed and has become the sort of man that, when I tell him his daughter is ill, chooses to ignore me.

So I would love a kind sweet man to restore my faith in men, in humanity. If someone has a soul, it is worth a lot more than a footballer's body. Yes I can admire beautiful men but all the cliches are true for a reason...beauty really is deep within.

I don't feel that I will meet anyone again. Too hurt. Too cynical in some ways. But I truly wish that whatever happens, this man makes you happy. Even if it is for now. I love seeing good news on here and my heart hurts when I see all the pain and betrayal. Enjoy my love. Trust me you are lucky to meet someone who seems to be worth knowing, on whatever level...

[TheWheelies]

"He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.

...

I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon."

If a man had written this I can just imagine the outcry. And I wonder if he would still like you as much if he were to read it.

[britishbakeoff]

It sounds excellent. I was going out with a handsome, rich barrister. Then I met DH: short and very fat. And kind and funny and intelligent and interesting and empathetic, and I fell in love. That was 23 years ago and we are still extremely happy. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[SarahBumBarer]

I wouldn't say he'd never do it for you OP. A lot of great relationships are growers. People can start to look more attractive as you find them as a person attractive just as you can no longer see what attracted you to someone once you get to know them and they irritate you.

"growers" never happen though were there is pressure. So if you feel even a little bit of a wish to see if this CAN go somewhere OP you really do need to have a talk with him so that he takes the pressure and intensity off and you have a chance to see if it can grow.

He does not sound like the kind of guy you can friendzone and use for sex while you wait for something better. Please don't do that unless you have been honest with him about this.

[WantSomethingNice]

TheWheelies I know - I'm not happy about how I thought, which is why I am discussing it only anonymously with strangers. And he knows me very well, I have said worse things to him about other dates. But I do take your point.

bakeoff That's so lovely and thank you.

Sarah I really really DON'T want to hurt his feelings, he too nice a man, this is why I'm conflicted, but I think I'll just see how it goes. I now we will have a lovely evening tomorrow - we always do, and I've been having a think, the last man I properly fell for, as opposed to just fancied, is not a conventionally handsome man (this was quite the realisation) I thought he was gorgeous, but none of my friends did. But I was head over heels because he was interesting and made me laugh.

This talking to random strangers is so very helpful for putting my head straight, thank you all.

[LessMissAbs]

I thought that as well The Wheelies.

I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer

I need to lose some weight

I've been single for 18mths

I'm confused by your post. You've been dating this man for 6 months and have slept with him, but are unsure whether you find him attractive or not. If he was a grower, he would surely be growing on you by now!

But then again, if you yourself need to lose weight, why does the same thing make him unattractive? And what do footballers have to do with anything? Plenty of good looking men are not footballers; ugly men play football?

Confusing.

[WantSomethingNice]

I am a bit overweight, he is very.

I have been single for 18mths, with the odd date here and there, honest, nothing too confusing there.

We have been friends for 6mths, not dating, had no intention of dating him at all, as there was no spark. And I think he has grown on me, that is the point of my post. I am trying to work out if that is it and if I should encourage myself to keep seeing him, and asking opinions and seeing if other people have been in similar positions, as you can see from up there, lots have.

The footballer thing was lighthearted and other people seemed to get it. and I only dated very good looking ones anyway

HTH

[WantSomethingNice]

He'll be here in 10 minutes.

I've shaved my legs

[waltermittymissus]

Oh you did, did you?!

Enjoy your date and don't over think it!!!

[SorryMyLollipop]

So how was the date?

[Abitwobblynow]

He sounds absolutely wonderful. Being married to a handsome selfish empty slim vain peacock can I have him if you aren't interested?

Wow, we women overlook kind caring gems right under our noses as we stupidly chase the smouldering complicated arseholes

I would do anything for a short, fat snaggle toothed kind caring man right now! I wish you well and hope you have a lovely time OP.

[Abitwobblynow]

And, apparently that is how you are supposed to develop relationships: get to know them slowly! Well that was me being a muggins then. Brought it on myself.

"I was going out with a handsome, rich barrister. Then I met DH: short and very fat. And kind and funny and intelligent and interesting and empathetic, and I fell in love. That was 23 years ago and we are still extremely happy. Good luck, whatever you decide."

Soooo jealous, Bakeoff! You lucky girl

[venusandmars]

I met and married exh who was intelligent, good looking, high profile job, and who also turned out to be a controlling bastard (hence the ex). In the aftermath of the split there was an eyes-across-a-crowed-room moment (one that stunned my friend who was there and saw it happening). It was all sparks and knee trembling (of the best sort), and lasted for about 18 months but he was terrible with money and as a consequence was an awful liar and not to be trusted.

Meanwhile I knew a man a work. Didn't fancy him - not my type at all, and no ambition. But we were quite friendly. Definitely no flirting (because I didn't fancy him, and because I don't think he knows how to flirt). Then after a dreadful work party I was drunk, and I kissed him , damn near slept with him I was mortified, and he was so nice that he assumed it all meant something. I agreed to go on a proper date (planning to let him down gently) but I had flu and he spend 4 days looking after me instead. Somehow we never spent another night apart. I don't think he ever lit the spark but he is the kindest, most honest, trustworthy, genuine person I have ever met. He's been willing to try out my interests, I've been willing to try his, and we both accept that we have different preferences. We are equals in all the ways that matter. We share the same core values, we share the same sense of humour, we are true companions, he enables me to grow and change as I want, and the sex is damn good (and considerate and lovely) - and still is after 16 years together.

I think 'spark' is over-rated.

[bootsycollins]

Just have to say you both sound gorgeous, he sounds just like one of my best ever boy mates who is recently single and ready to find a new GF. Enjoy yourself he sounds like a keeper!