Please help, even if to tell me I'm not going insane.
My boyfriend and I are finally over - we have had the rockiest time. Initially when I met him he wasn't working and I later found out he'd fibbed about being on jobseekers - he was actually claiming incapacity for depression - which he did have years ago but certainly not when I met him.
Things came to a head and I felt used - he was staying at my flat all the time and not contributing - his electric was off and virgin cut off so he'd sit in all day on facebook and I started to get resentful as he wouldnt do as much as put a washing on. I eventually told him to shape up.
He managed to get a job in a call centre which he hates - I badgered and badgered him and even had to dryclean the suit and get him a belt for the interview. I sound such a resentful bitch (and I am?) but I was just so delighted at him - now he could afford to go for a few drinks with his pals and we've been able to go out together without me paying for everything.
His house was an utter state and he was more or less at mine all the time - his landlord was doing repairs and a few months back he was given a months notice to leave. He couldn't afford a new place as he's having to save up for a laptop for his daughters Christmas so I agreed to let him stay til Christmas was over with. He's offered some money for shopping but that's been it.
Since then, we've fell apart. He's been phoning in sick with hangovers and I'm terrified he'll end up doing nothing with me paying for it all again. Ive been getting him up for weekend shifts and running him in at times to save him being late.
We've had awful rows. He's also got a terrible relationship history in which he's been cheated on a lot. I thought in time with loyalty he'd learn to trust me but an old boyfriend sent a general how are you text the other night and things just blew up. It's his response to these things - he's suddenly screaming that I know his history and how dare I and I was an evil bitch and a cow.
I did though do something wrong. After he blew up at me I actually called a friend for some sanity (but i didnt tell him who I was calling - maybe deliberately as I knew he'd think the worst.) He assumed I'd phoned my ex boyfriend and when I laughed on the phone I was later accused of being flirty. I got dogs abuse - him screaming how evil I was and I was a psycho and sick in the head and I was controlling him. This was at 130am. I was begging him to be quiet but he wouldn't. We've had the police round before beacuse of the screaming from him. He'd had a bit to drink - about a bottle of wine - normal for him.
He says it's all my fault. :(
Last night I stayed out from work at a pals house and came back at 9.30 and it was more of the same, I was evil and a headfuck and gameplayer. He admitted one of the reasons he was with me was so I could pay for him to go back to Uni and now I'd messed that up for him and destroyed his life as well.
I just didnt know what to do. I told him to go but he wouldn't. Hours of it. In the end as a 36 yr old I called my mum.....my parents came.....this was after him goading me to get them. They took his keys off him and he finally left.
He stayed last night in a homeless hostel and he repeatedly texted that I'd ruined his and my life and he'd be far better off without me. Later he texted to ask me what I thought would kill him in an overdose. I've been up all night and am so stressed.
This morning he's phoned in tears and texting me begging to help him as he's nowhere to go and will die if I leave him. He has a mum but refuses to ask for help there. He's texted again saying he's sitting in the street because of me and I clearly dont care.
He's having a breakdown because of me. i just don't know what to do. I feel I ought to maybe try and help but I know I'm a mug if I do.I'm racked with guilt. The thing is I truly loved him, i felt he was so full of potential - but now I feel almost responsible. He's not been to work in 2 days and I feel he's going to be sacked.
I feel so sick.
Please, any advice.