Fed up and had enough

[Sofedupwithitall]

I've name changed specifically for this post, if you recognise me then please don't out me

I've had about enough of my marriage and my 'D'H. All we ever seem to do is argue and I just can't cope anymore. This may be long, so I apologise.

H has been suffering from depression for 3 years and I'm still suffering from PND after birth of DC2. I'm a mature student and H is looking for work and has been since leaving University earlier this year. He had been in uni for a number of years on a variety of courses and left his last course due to depression. He has a dipolma from this. H has stated that he doesn't think many people will be employing just before Christmas. He says he's still been looking for a job. I've also emailed him links to jobs when I find them. I found out the other day that he's not bothered looking at them. Also, he says he will apply to a job that he likes the sound of, but will do it later. Certainly in the past few weeks he's not been doing that.

DC2 has been sleeping badly for a long time. Both me and H are absolutely shattered, but getting by. I'm pregnant with DC3 and suffering from bad back pain at the moment. I have had a week off University this week as it is a reading week. Neither H or I drive, we've been using bus passes for transport and mine ran out last week. We are skint and I can't afford to buy a new one yet. DC school and nursery are in completely opposite directions and neither are walkable from where we live. DC2 has been off nursery due to illness for the first two days this week. H has been taking DC1 (reception age) into school.

When H didn't have a bus pass last month, I had to take both DC to school and nursery and I admit sometimes it was with the aid of a taxi. I've struggled with my mood and things more whilst I've been pregnant, not on meds at the moment. If it wasn't for a taxi then sometimes I would have struggled to get DC to school/nursery. I used buses for pick ups almost always. At first, H offered to do the school/nursery runs this week. I took DC2 to nursery Wednesday and picked up. Yesterday DC2 slept for most of the morning so didn't go to nursery.

We are both falling behind with daily things and as we're skint we don't have a lot of food in. We are struggling to survive with paying the bills, mortgage, food etc. The house is tidy as it can be. I also have literally two pairs of pants that now fit me and can't afford to buy any other clothes at the moment. We stopped the getting of taxis and have said we would only use them in an emergency.

This morning we got up slightly late, I jumped in the shower. H was still in bed when I got out. Spent 5 minutes trying to get him up. We all came downstairs and I got both DC ready. Went to the kitchen to get my clothes out of the drier and realised that the washing was still in the machine all wet. This wouldn't have been a problem but I have everything apart from a clean or dry pair of pants. So I came back in, told H that he would have to take DC but he was more than welcome to grab a taxi to make sure DC1 got to school on time. He asked me why I couldn't do it and I explained. He had a right old kick off about how he was so tired etc. The past 3 nights he has had a minimum of 6 hours sleep a night. DC2 has slept through for the past two nights and I let him sleep through the night before that. So technically, I'm running on less sleep than he is. He has also had naps in the day. He's been pushing for DC2 to stay at his mums house but I have said no as 1) DC2 hasn't been sleeping through so I'm not wanting sleepovers yet and 2) I don't think PIL will be able to cope. DC2 hasn't has sleepovers at my parents house yet either so I'm not just shutting out PIL. At first, H said he understood but he's been nagging me and nagging me more. I'm standing my ground and it will stay a no for the time being. H says he needs a break and that I'm being selfish. H ranted on at me this morning and to cut a very long story short, neither DC has gone to school or nursery. H says I should take them but I haven't got a pair of pants or I would have. I asked H again to get dressed and take them but he hasn't.

I'm angry and annoyed at the both of us. H is now upstairs with both DC going through toys and clothes . What annoys me so much as that everything is double standard. If it was the other way around, which it has been before, he has had a go at me. Even when he had a bus pass originally he made me take both DC as 'I had somewhere to be and he didn't'. He goes on about having depression like he is the only one to have it. I've kept to myself on how I've been feeling because I just don't need it at the moment. All financial stuff is left to me, H sticks his head in the sand. I'd get a job myself but I'm at uni full time and also getting heavily pregnant. I'm not perfect, I raised my voice back to H this morning and had a go back, which I am annoyed about. We cannot keep living like this, the longer H goes without a job the more we're screwed. I feel like we are both failing our DC and I know we are. I've had just about enough and I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry this is so long and if you've got this far, I just needed to rant and vent somewhere.

What's he doing about his depression, as a matter of interest? Is he on medication for it, and if so, has he reviewed it recently with his GP?

He's on and off medication sporadically. He's not been on any medication for a number of months. He's not seen his doctor in quite a while either. He's not very good in keeping up with his medicines or seeing the doctor.

You poor thing! It all sounds a bit overwhelming. The priority sounds like it is to catch up on sleep because without that you will be ratty and intolerant and everything looks worse. Once you have put some sleep in the bank you can prioritise the rest. You need money for bus passes and food and underwear (!!) and your H needs to pull his finger out and get ANY job to make ends meet so you can finish the pregnancy and welcome DC3 into the family without worrying how you are going to buy nappies and get by. If he isn't prepared to do this what exactly is he bringing into your life apart from worry and stress? You would be much better off financially as a single parent!
Your DC wont suffer in the short term missing a few days of school but I think you need to give an ultimatum to him and mean it.

Sorry lemon, I meant pants as in trousers not pants as in knickers! . Heck, I think I'd have just gone commando to get the DC to where they needed to be.

It's not just him, I'm a problem too. I have days where I don't want to tidy or cook. He's picked up my slack of cleaning plenty of times before now and when I've not wanted to cook, I've cooked for the DC but not us. We're both struggling to cope in one way or another.

I understand that I've got my own issues and problems to sort out. When H has a go at me, he can be quite nasty and hurtful. In the past, there have been times where I have lashed out at him. Ashamedly, DC1 has witnessed this before now and I am ashamed that this has happened. I've been having counselling for PND but also been exploring why I'm lashing out. I don't want to be like that, my father was like that and I dislike it. I do think they'd be better off without me, I'm just angry mummy and I don't think I'm doing a good job.

H has had another go at me, twice since I last posted. Once to say he wants a divorce, the other to tell me I was being ridiculous for not letting DC2 stay at his parents. Apparently my reasons aren't good enough and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about getting a job and he doesn't care about the new baby.

Hang on, you're heavily pregnant, have a bad back, are doing a full-time course at uni, have two other very small DC and your (unemployed) DH is having a go at you for not doing enough housework? And he expects YOU to manage the school run on public transport while he stays in bed? And you feel guilty about raising your voice to defend yourself when he is verbally abusive to you in front of the kids?

He may be depressed but he is contributing nothing to your marriage right now. Perhaps you should tell him that YOU want a divorce if he continues to refuse to get treatment for his depression.

Having said that, you really should reconsider your PILs offer of help and sleepovers. You can't manage everything on your own, you are going to need more help when the new baby arrives and lack of sleep is making things much worse for both of you. What is the worst that could happen? PILs have one sleepless night and don't offer to help out again for a while!