Anyone had an affair with a good outcome or is it always mayhem and destruction?

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

Am feeling terribly confused right now. Don´t really want to go into why I´m asking this but conventional wisdom and the traditional view is that it´s the worst possible thing to "cheat" and have an affair and that it only leads to suffering, horror and pain.
Can anyone tell me otherwise? Have any of you had an affair and it´s had a happily ever after ending? Looking for experiences (good and bad) of those who´ve been there.
Any of you had an affair, enjoyed it, ended it and then carried on with their marriage without anyone finding out or slipping into an abyss of insane guilt?
All comments welcome and flame me if you like...haha...it´s all good therapy probably!

I think some people use affairs as a catalyst to break up their marriage, whether or not they know this is what they are doing. Mostly I think they don't.

I most certainly am not looking to break up anything, and have developed a pretty good nose for men who are- and steer clear.

Just selfishness, and the thrill of being desired and of the new. I know I am a Bad Person. But at least I know it, and allow it to be so in a controlled way. This is necessary, ask Jung.

Just realised that I hadn't answered the OP's question.

The answer is yes- as long as you are sure what for you constitutes a good outcome. Because, as conventional wisdom in the form of many posters here warns, if you don't know- then there could be nasty surprises for you and (crucially) for undeserving others.

Proceed only with caution.

I was friends with a woman who was serially unfaithful. She always thought she was getting away with it but couldn't see any connection between her actions and what was happening all around her. An emotionally distant husband who took any opportunity to work abroad, unfulfilling relationships with her children and very few friends.

She wasn't a happy woman at all and so she didn't get away with it, really. I think she'll have a very lonely old age.

Two of my best friends had an affair with each other. Both were married and both ledt their partners to be together

They both regret the hurt they caused and the way they went about it, but they don't have any regrets about being together. They are madly in love and have been married for almost twenty years now

I don't judge them, I don't know what led them to have an affair and they clearly adore each other

I also have a friend who had an affair but then split up with both men, her 'd'h used to regularly beat the crap out of her and I think the affair was the push she needed to leave. I don't judge her either, in fact I was thrilled when she left her vile abusive husband

Sometimes things are just not black and white. Of course you should always try to live your life without hurting other people but sometimes you have to put yourself first too

You sound very lonely from your posts, OP, could this be another reason you are drawn to someone else?

As an aside, I think its quite cruel to attend counselling more to be 'going through the motions' rather than because you actually want to fix things (you seem to be saying it is pretty much unfixable). If you are going to split and co-parent/co-work amicably that will probably be impossible if you have had an affair.

A word of caution if I may. Several years ago one of my best friends dp cheated on him ( with my xp) when he found out he was devastated and it was the catalyst for him taking his own life

They remained together and have 2dc however their happiness came quite literally at the cost of his life and I personally hope they burn in hell for what they did.

Contrary to thinking that there is no "sisterly support" I would suggest it is there in abundance as people are trying to guide you into not making a complete fuck up of your life, your husband's life and your children's life. Not to miss out both your extended families too.

Everyone has choices. You might not choose to fall in love with someone else but unless it is a very rare looked-at-each-other-and-it-was-love situation it has to build and grow from conscious meetings, etc.

Affairs change everything. I had an EA with an ex which was just phone calls, texts, emails and video chats but it was enough to devastate my husband and to lead us to the situation we are in now where one consequence is me feeling insecure when before I was 100% secure. It is my own fault and I deserve it.

Grow up. Have counselling. Be honest with yourself and stop messing with your husband's life. If you don't want him anymore, let him go so he is free to find someone who thinks he is amazing and loves him in the way he deserves to be loved.

I have found this thread really helpful to read. Dh and I have been together for 14 years and have three young children. I posted my full story a couple of weeks ago but then asked to delete it as both I and the om were identifiable.

I have been unhappy for a number of years. Stayed for the kids etc etc. then a horrid accident tipped things over. Ever since I tried to make it work but felt increasingly wanting out. Two months ago I became involved with another unhappy man who was desperate to get out of his relationship but staying for daughter. A affair began and emotions most definitely involved. It has been the catalyst for me to end my marriage and the process has started with dh moving out after Christmas.

I feel deep,guilt about the effect of splitting up on my kids but not about the affair. I was unhappy. The om, however, has been wracked with guilt and a few days ago has put the relationship on hold until he can move out. It's not the physical side that he's guilty about but the lying and deceit. I believe him when he says that he wants to build our relationship on trust.

I respect him for this and know its the right thing but hurting so terribly much. I feel sick. I have fallen for him completely and utterly and never felt like this before. I am prepared to wait but terrified of losing him. Either way my marriage is over and that's good. I want him so badly it hurts. We both hope to have a future together and I have to trust him. He says stepping back will expedite moving out. I guess I won't know whether there can be a happy ending until that happens. Meanwhile hurting and having to remind myself constantly that this is the right way to do it. My rational side knows if its meant to be then e can both wait, my feelings though are in turmoil.

Hi all :-)
You're right, mamaslatts - I guess I AM pretty lonely! Moved to my DH's country, had to learn lingo, unfriendly locals, 2 small kids without support network, blah blah... But hardest of all has been lack of social life! I have been the one who has gone out and made friends. It's usually through me that anything social gets arranged. DH has not made any real friends after 6 yrs here - his country but not the city he's from, you see. He just wants to do everything as a family or with me and I feel trapped, stifled and bored a lot of the time. Kids are not easy and weekends spent with just the 4 of us often end very miserably!
Oh oops, sorry, I am banging on with my sob story aren't I ?
Just want to escape this cage and perhaps this OM has just been a breath of fresh air for me!
Wish I could do the " amicable split" thing but he won't be capable. It will be horrendous, messy and full of acrimony as he's a pretty hot headed guy when upset :-(

So, yes, the theory of doing the right thing is all fairly clearcut.... The practical though is that this is NOT a time in my life or my kids life when I can split - it isn't unbearable, I've lived this way for ages. I must try and feel committed to the relationship and make it work and this is why I am here..... The whole crux is that I find myself struggling terribly to really WANT to make it work and make the effort. What your head wants and what your heart wants are two different things sometimes!

Oh and PS discretionadvised ... Good luck. Let us know what happens. I won't even attempt to give advice! What do I know? whichever way it works out though look forward and don't look back- it will all be fine in the long run- you've taken the decision and it sounds right. Never live with regrets :-))
That was advice, wasn't it? Oh well, just hoping it all goes fine for you xx

Wish I could do the " amicable split" thing but he won't be capable. It will be horrendous, messy and full of acrimony
I have always thought that knowing a split would be acrimonious is evidence it's probably a good idea. i.e. only a relationship with some healthy elements can split amicably

I think the problem is that he will cling on for dear life because he loves me and because being alone would terrify him. It would be pretty devastating for him :-( So you see why I considered an affair in the 1st place.... What he doesn't know, blah blah... But yes, if i had one and he found out ... 100 times worse!

So who's the OM? I guess the hardest part for me is now feelings are involved having my emotional state completely dependent on someone else's. I guess no different to any full on early relationship.

Mines hard as I also work with him so see him everyday

Well can an affair have a good outcome is a very difficult question. I had one. The outcomes were bad, for a long time and then came good again as in the end, after a very bad and hurtful mess, I met my husband. And that wouldn't have happened otherwise - life is a funny thing.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. In the last year, I had an affair with someone from work who made me feel amazing. In hindsight, I should have ended my relationship first but I was scared and weak. To this day I am appalled at what I did. We didn't have children and weren't married but it was still a shitty, wretched thing to do to someone, even if they were pretty horrible to me. An affair really is like taking drugs in terms of not being able to stop. And it involves a lot of lying and wishing you were in a different place with a different person. The small highs of texts/emails/illicit meetings/kisses/tummy lurches/sex are entirely outweighed by feelings of guilt and panic at covering your tracks. Well, that is my story anyway. When my ex actually found out, it was the worst day ever and I have to purposely not ever think about it.

I quickly realised after my relationship inevitably broke down (in spite of trying to fix it) that when I was free to see my affair, I didn't love him at all. He was quite boring actually. And the magical sex went stale very quickly too.

Now I am in a happy place! But I regret what I did every single day. I feel for you that it has come to you having to ponder on this. But be careful. It won't be like you think.

Interesting story rabbit. I did wonder how much of my feelings were due to the situation rather than him. However I am so head of heels (and hurting) at the moment that it doesn't feel like anything other than him.

I got no excitement from the lying, illicit meetings but have become a text addict. But did /do love being with him.

However the constantly wishing your were with some,es doing something else is horrid. Although that has begun to stop as dh and I separate an do the essential together only (kids)

"small kids.... flexible, portable and more resilient than most people think"

oh my goodness, that's so casual

translate

"small kills.... have to fit it with whatever you want at the time, easy to take from the other partner and you won't know what damage you've done until later"

kills meaning kids of course

i mean how can anyone even think along those lines! it's so callous

A flippant way of putting it. But in some the sentiment is true of the parents are unhappy. Not good for them either

I was a serial adulterer, not one nighters, but more established affairs.

Then I met one who I thought was VERY special, we got close, we got careless, we got caught. DP then left and was going to try to take the DS, I realised at this point how much they both meant to me and we both managed to put it behind us and go forward.

it wasn't easy for a while, I did get reminded on many occasions with little verbal digs, but we did it, we moved on and 11 years later we are still super happy. On the other hand, DP is currently on an overseas trip and not answering the phone for the last 12 hours after going to a pub where they know a lot of people.... :)

The hard bit for me is stepping back from something athat has already become intense. Despite knowing rationally that is for the best doesn't make it hurt less when the OM does the sensible thing. Just want him so badly that it hurts having to wait whilst we put our lives in order. If Id known how much it would hurt then I would have wanted to wait. Sadly the luxury of hindsight isn't one I can have so now hurting and confused whilst the OM sorts his life out. Trying to give him space is killing me and Im not very good at it as so insecure and impulsive

I haven't read the whole thread, only the first couple of posts but:

a)If is horrible, selfish thing to do. There's no two ways about it. You are consciously choosing to lie, manipulate and hurt someone who trusts you. I don't care what your reasons are but if you tell yourself they make your affair ok you are only trying to justify it to yourself to make yourself feel better. Don't. You should feel like utter shit.
b)I don't think it matters if you are the married partner or the OW, it takes two people to make an affair happen and you are both making a conscious choice to do something you know is wrong. I don't really know why you're bothering to ask to be honest - are you really hoping someone on here is going to say there, there it's ok, don't you worry? It's just more attempts at self-justification. It's wrong. Face up to it and stop trying to pretend otherwise for even one tiny little second.
c)Don't say you "can't" end your existing relationship. That's just as much utter crap as trying to justify the affair. There is ALWAYS a choice. It might be a fucking hard choice to make, but it's still a choice. Again, just more attempts to justify doing something totally, morally bereft.

I'm afraid I am with Yoga on this. If you get to the point where you are considering having a physical affair with someone, you either commit to working on the marriage/partnership 100% or bail out. Have the courage to treat your OH with some decency.

I once had a brief relationship with a woman which got very intense surprisingly quickly. We'd slept together a couple of times at my place when one morning she said she needed to tell me something. Turns out she was married (unhappily) with two small kids. She'd found assorted excuses for the three overnight stays. I was absolutely taken aback. I asked her to leave after a fairly short conversation (!) and had no communication with her again, much as she tried. I had absolutely no idea (no rings etc) and even though I knew nothing I felt guilty as hell.

" The om, however, has been wracked with guilt and a few days ago has put the relationship on hold until he can move out. It's not the physical side that he's guilty about but the lying and deceit. I believe him when he says that he wants to build our relationship on trust. "

Oh, so you started fucking did you? Imagine what his wife would feel reading that bunch of ass blowing. I am a deceived wife and I found it hugely hurtful! Has it not occurred to you that his M difficulties could also be down to him? And no, your relationship will never be built on trust, and statistically it has a 3% chance of working. I think he is thinking better of it and has gone back to his wife.

come on guys, affairs are WRONG.

GGGB, "DH has not made any real friends ... He just wants to do everything as a family or with me and I feel trapped, stifled and bored a lot of the time. Kids are not easy and weekends spent with just the 4 of us often end very miserably! " it is just incredibly how much this crops up, isn't it?

THIS is what was wrong with our marriage, and he was furious if ever I brought my dissatisfactions up, and f*cked OW to passive aggressively tell me how angry he was. Well, it wasn't true love was it, or he would still be with her instead of dumping her the minute I found out.
And filled her ear up with the same stuff Discretion has been lapping up.

Whatever wrong I did as a person, a woman and a wife, I did NOT deserve this level of pain and deceit.

Split up first, come on!

The first time my husband strayed it felt like a physical pain that just wouldn't go away.

Now that he's left us to be with another woman he recently met at work I'd say it feels like a bereavement.

And what's worse is watching the effect it is having on the children and their behaviour.

I think what my husband did was incredibly selfish, he might be enjoying a "happy outcome" at the moment as he swans about London enjoying nights out, lie-ins and freedom, the outcome for us has been a lot less happy.