Serious MIL issue...wants to buy one child but not the other for Xmas!!

[RubyTuesday123]

I'll try to be brief...my partner and I seperated for 3m earlier this year after an array of issues. After a lot of soul searching and discussion my partner asked to try again - I said yes for a number of reasons and overall things are going well, slow and steady steps. However, my MIL is refusing to acknowledge his decision to return and is saying that me and my other daughter (aged 10, from a previous relationship) are not welcome in her home (she blames me for our split, we both 'wronged' one another in different ways) on halloween my partner took both girls to see her and she ignored my eldest daughter and FIL asked eldest to move out of the way so he could take a picture of our little one!! When they got back, my partner told me what had happened and was shocked and embarrassed by his parent's behaviour. He said that he would speak to them and felt like he was in 'the middle' which I can understand as I was furious - I'd of gone to see her about it but I wouldn't give her anything to twist or manipulate against me.

However, when he went round she had company and he decided it was inappropriate to bring it up at that point. Anyway...today she has text asking what our youngest would like for Christmas and he has replied 'are you buying for ...' to which she text back 'why?' he then said 'they are both my children, if you don't buy for one then don't buy for the other' to which she replied that she is NOT buying presents for me or my eldest child. I am livid - I am not concerned about actually recieving gifts but its the insinuation that you can treat two sisters differently because one is not her son's is shocking. I can't help but feel she has targeted eldest to get a rise out of me. I have never argued with this woman and when we split literally didn't go anywhere in our local area as I just wanted to deal with the situation in the most dignified manner - access and matenence were both dealt with swifty and as amicably as possible.

What do I do?? Advice please!!

Not that this excuses her vile behaviour in nay way but does your eldest daughter have any relationship with her biological father? Does she receive presents from him and his family which your younger daughter doesn't?

Oops any way

I'd say that you can't accept any gifts at all from her in that case. How unpleasant of her.

Tell her where 2 shove the pressies up her backside. Disgracefull behaviour..

Yes she does have a great relationship with her father and both he and his mother buy my youngest a gift at christmas and birthday's because they accept that the girls are sisters and family. I'm not bothered about the gift - my girls want for nothing but its the principle and the behaviour behind it. She doesn't seem to realise that she is going to loose time with her son over this. Furthermore, she next asks to see youngest or even texts to find out how she is but when he takes her round she will say something barbed like 'its been a week since I saw you angel' - she infuriates me!!

I would be prepared to keep any gift she bought for the youngest DD if she doesn't buy for the eldest. Make your DH make it clear that he won't allow a gift she's bought just for the youngest in the house, so if she's not prepared to buy for both, she's wasting her money as he'll bin the gift to the youngest.

It's not acceptable for her to act like this.

next *never

Well, you can't force her to buy a present for the other child all you can do I, ignore it and not give attention to her histrionics.

She doesn't like you and by associated, your dd.

I assume you are not seeing her on Xmas day

How fucking mean and petty of her! She is certainly using your elder dd to get the nip in at you.

I really hope your dp sticks to his guns over this one. She is showing herself to be a vindictive and childish horror.

I totally agree with you. Buy for both or stick it up your jacksie.

I think even when HE says something or challenges her behavious she believes its come from me! They portray me as Lady Macbeth - and that her son couldn't come to these conclusions himself. We split for a number of reasons and it took a long time to come to that conclusion. She has always made me feel as though I'm not good enough for her son but that couldn't be further from the truth. She has created a stereotypical mother/son relationship-its embarrassing.

I'd also not take either DD round for a while, if your DH wants to, that's fine, but he takes both. I'd avoid and if she gets upset at not seeing younger DD much you can point out it's because she's horrible to you and older DD.

It's not actually just bad for your eldest DD to be treated like this, it's also teaching your younger DD it's acceptable to "bully" some people, this is a bad thing for your DD2 to learn.

I will not be going near her on Christmas day - we are having lunch at home. i suggested to partner a few weeks ago that when eldest goes to her dad's he could pop to his mum's with youngest, and he flatly refused!! I will not be pushing that issue any further - although I'm sure i'll get the blame for it!

A decade and more ago when my first son (now 32) reached adulthood and started making different decision from those I would have wished him to make, it took me a while to understand this:

-He thinks differently to me

-If he had made a 'wrong' decision, it is his wrong decision

-If I mean or try to influence him, he is still going to do what he thinks is best

• If I dont accept that, it will cause him stress, push him away, and maybe accidentally encourage him to make even worse decisions, because he needs to prove that he is an adult.

Your MiL is wasting her time sticking her nose into his life. And making a fool of herself. In this particular case, she is also demonstrating spite towards a child, which makes her childish herself.

Sadly, you in turn cannot make her learn or accept this, and even he cant make her see it.

Try to focus on keeping your children safe, and dont comment on his mother.

However, comment on your expectations with him- ie that if he is committed to a family with you and your girls, he puts you first and puts a firm stop any poor behaviour towards either of your daughters.

@dontmindifido - I haven't seen sight nor sound of this woman since May thank god! When we were split she did all manner of things to get at me - in private they did but I just mainatained a silent stance (things like throwing youngest a seperate birthday party - pics all over fb! telling everyone how she knew 'he'd come to his senses') Truth is, im quite happy to have nothing to do with her but she can't treat my girls like this!!

Jeeeeez....what's her problem with you??

Do you think she would be like this no matter who he chose to be with?

fiveanthree - I wish she had your perspective about this. Unfortunately for her I will be keeping the youngest away now - in no way will this behaviour be condoned.

I know I have to keep my mouth shut for the sake of partner, if she could see what she is doing to him she'd be disgusted with herself.

I do pictish. The worst is, I know I'm no angel at times but I work hard, have a good job, am a good mum and just want an easy life!!

Ugh this is just horrible. Regardless of how the adults feel, the resulting impact on a 10 year old child is the issue. She is being made to feel like not truly part of the family, that she doesn't matter (by your MIL clearly, I'm not suggesting you or your OH, just to be clear)

Your OH needs to send a clear message about this and you both need to stand firm, regarldess of whether she will think it is you, the point needs to be made.

Your OH sounds like he is being very supportive of you and your children so that's good . Your PILs are a disgrace and should be thoroughly ashamed of their behaviour , however they won't be because people like that never are . If I were in your position I would stop all contact at their house, if they want to see your DD they should come to you and then if they behave in appropriately they can be told . If your DP wants to go round and see them he should go alone . ( sadly I speak from bitter experience) . Also it's either presents for both or for no one .

I am frustrated because whatever I do or say about this it will be twisted - that's why I cannot do nothing it has to come from OH. It is evil and vindictive to target a child - I don't know what to do next? Do I ask OH to go around and speak to her again? Leave her to get on with it? What? She will never look at her own actions and see what she is doing is wrong.

Leave it to OH to have a word. And have a word he must.

He must also make it very clear that his opinion is his own. Let him deal with the silly, malicious woman.

Definitely get it to come from him although I know what you mean about getting blamed even if he says things ,this is what happens with my Inlaws .

Unpleasant for everyone, and unimpressive behaviour from this nasty old woman. Your DP will have to see them alone until they see the error of their ways. Support him in that.

How sad for your eldest. My DF's family used to put me down/ criticise me to hurt my mum, who had dared divorcing their son, by proxy.

In effect, they hurt me.

I cut contact with them for about 15 years as soon as I was old enough to say no to visit to theirs. I think it took them years to understand.

Your MIL does not realise it, but she is hurting the children. Both. They feel the bad atmosphere. It is not fair on them.

I have little advice but it may be worth your DH explaining this to her. Does she want DD2 to think of her as the gran who is nasty to her sister/mum?

That is an awful thing to do to a child, to hurt a child to get at an adult. It is toxic. I haven't been in this situation, what would happen if your DH were to stand up to her (he sounds as though he can do it) and state that either the two children are treated the same, presents, attention and affection, or they don't see either child. You both then stick to this, your OH has to follow through and not take the children to see them at all.