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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have always loved another man.

93 replies

totallyloyal · 14/11/2012 21:53

I noticed a post on fb today from a friend who had an affair, going on about how she felt about the other man etc.

I have loved another man to my dh for 16 years. I love my dh. But this guy is special. We had the weirdest connection and still do. He loves me too.

I would never leave or hurt my dh. Ever. I'm not stupid. There is no emotional affair. We are not geographically close either. Just a pure basic love, that I've never been able to properly identify and am struggling to articulate.

But something tonight has triggered me to actually think about it. Am I weird? Anyone else experienced this or can relate to his?

OP posts:
AlienRefluxovermypoppy · 14/11/2012 21:57

Sorry, I haven't experienced this myself,and it sounds a bit odd So it doesn't affect your marriage at all? do you speak to the OM?
How do you know he loves you too?
You seem quite content with it that's all, is there any part of you that would like to take it further?

Beaverfeaver · 14/11/2012 22:00

I can relate to this.
But I don't think I can share too much more than that.

I too have recently started to think more about it, and I think that it's causing more damage by thinking about it, so need to stop.

sittinginthesun · 14/11/2012 22:01

I understand. I put it in a box in my head many years ago, and it is fine.

Offred · 14/11/2012 22:02

Not all of the things you have written in that op can actually be true I think.

Original poster
totallyloyal · 14/11/2012 22:04

Beaver I can relate.

If dh left me. Than yes, we would see it as a second chance I think. But I would never, ever betray dh.

I know it isn't entirely right as when I read threads on here about people who met "The One" and still feel the same about their partners years and years on, I am always envious that we did not get that chance.

OP posts:
addictedtojaffacakes · 14/11/2012 22:13

Yes i can relate, I am so glad somebody posted this, i was thinking the same. Was also thinking maybe, as things aren't to great at the mo, its an escape to an easier/care free time?

Original poster
totallyloyal · 14/11/2012 22:26

I don't know, addicted. For me it's all ways there iyswim? Bad and good. I try when things are bad to not make comparisons.

DH and I have shared a life together. So no comparison.

Offred - It's hard to articulate what I mean in black and white. Do you mean I am lying to myself? Or not telling the truth here?

OP posts:
Offred · 14/11/2012 22:29

Not either really just that objectively some of those things are in opposition to each other.

I would not call something like that a love but a fixation or an obsession and if it were a love really I think you ARE hurting your dh, he just doesn't know you are.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 14/11/2012 22:32

I totally & completley understand what you mean. Don't want to say more than that though.

Offred · 14/11/2012 22:32

And I can't understand why if you genuinely loved someone else you would try to repress it or keep it secret from your dh. I suspect probably you are fixating on something symbolic or not really real which represents something else. I highly doubt you could be married for 16 years and in love with someone else.

Original poster
totallyloyal · 14/11/2012 22:33

It doesn't feel like a fixation. It's just always been there and never gone away Confused. Just never really properly thought about it before.

OP posts:
Brycie · 14/11/2012 22:36

How much contact do you have with him? People are just people.

Offred · 14/11/2012 22:38

I think you should confront it tbh and really think about it and what it means for you. A. You are married to the wrong man B. you aren't happy with monogamy C. It isn't really a love but represents something you need to think about which is why it won't go away. I think any of the things behind it would be better explored. I think sometimes it is easy if you are married to make things like crushes, attractions etc into fixations and to make them bigger than the original issue because of the guilt/other issue surrounding having a perfectly normal crush.

Athendof · 14/11/2012 22:43

A guy friend of mine used to say there were 3 women in the life of a man: The one you love, the one who loves you, and the one you marry. I suppose the saying also apply to men.

I have friends with whom I have a very strong connection, which in a way feels like deep love, but we are so incompatible in so many other aspects that we are not together, will never be, and that doesn't mean it is an emotional affair, I just think that's what people were originally talking about when using the term "platonic love".

I really wish I could believe that every single man and woman are married to their perfect partner, the one that fulfills them truly and who is destined to make them stay inlove and happy with each other for the rest of their life. But I think that in reality, there are very few couples that are blessed with such a relationship or who could keep it alive for the rest of their lives.

So yes, I relate to what you say and I don't think you are "betraying" your husband, you are only a person strong enough to look at herself in the eye. I advise, however, not to think much about it because the more you do, the more imperfect you are going to find your husband no matter how much you love him and know he is the "one".

Beaverfeaver · 14/11/2012 22:44

I have been thinking about it more recently and have started thinking about breaking up with DH.
But, I am scared if what my parents will think, I'm scared of what his family will think( I am very close to them)
I am scared of being Linley as all my friends are in relationships.
I am scared if regretting it later.
I am scared the grass won't be greener.
I am scared of so many things which are holding me back.
Probably all the wrong things.

singaporefling · 14/11/2012 22:48

Understand totallyloyal..sympathise/empathise.. Lived in a painful (for me/dh/om) situation for many years. Not black and white, love dh, in love with om - very contrasting/disparate situations, no resolution in sight... And I guess we shouldn't judge anyone till we've walked a mile in their shoes. Not an excuse, no one is 'guilty' - just a set of conspiring circumstances.... Offred, i've been in love with om for 7 years, also deeply love dh but NOT the same...

gladiolus · 14/11/2012 22:50

I had one of these. It was a teacher I had a very powerful crush on when I was very young. He was older, married, and thankfully not interested in the slightest.

I haven't seen him in over twenty years. I still think about him every now and again and wonder how he's doing. I saw his wife a few years ago at the funeral of a mutual friend and was incredibly excited at the thought of seeing him again, then crushed when she told me he wasn't there. Then told myself I was being very very silly and to pull myself together.

I understand the whole 'putting it in a box' thing. It's a little embarrassing actually.

HoolioHallio · 14/11/2012 22:51

'We would see it as a second chance' ?

So you've had this conversation with him ? He feels the same as you do? Is he married?

singaporefling · 14/11/2012 22:53

Beaverfeaver - sympathise totally... It IS all very scary and who's to say we're meant to actually LIVE/be with the om... Dh/i have family unit/elderly parents, we look after/nurture and care for each other and despite 'usual' ups and downs are mostly happy/stable... But any time spent with om is tranquil/soul-nurturing/joyous on different level. Wouldnt necessarily be so on a day-to- day basis and i dont want to 'experiment' whilst causing chaos all round...

Offred · 14/11/2012 22:53

I never said it was betraying your dh, I said it is hurting him if you ARE really in love with someone else secretly and have been for 16 years. Obviously that's hurtful, how would you feel if it was reversed? The hurt is not removed by keeping it secret.

However I feel that is unlikely as I seriously doubt someone could maintain a marriage for 16 years whilst simultaneously secretly loving someone else without getting ill and if they were, yes they'd be hurting their dh, but most of all hurting themselves. I don't understand why you would do it?

It seems more likely to be a fixation and not really to do with the actual man.

BettyandDon · 14/11/2012 22:55

Are we talking about 'the one that got away'? I think a lot of people have someone like that. It's partly why Adele's music is so popular, ie, the Someone Like You song.

I think circumstantial splits can lead to this (moving away eg) in particular.

Offred · 14/11/2012 22:57

And yes people can be in love with more than one person at the same time but I think people have a responsibility to behave in an ethical way in relationships and I don't believe in "the one" bull shit.

Beaverfeaver · 14/11/2012 22:59

I don't think I could ever live/be with OM.
Although the live is there I know he would not be a sensible choice for a partner, for many reasons.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I am just kidding myself by being with DH.
DH is a wonderful guy. Supportive and loving.
But I can't help feeling that its not meant to r now and that there is something out there that I might find one day in the future that will be wonderful and passionate.
Maybe this will be the OM in years to come. (In my dreams!)
But is definitley not for the short term.
Am I silly throwing away a 12 year relationship in the hope of something more/better suited to me in the future?

drizzlecake · 14/11/2012 22:59

Gawd, I feel so sorry for all these not really loved spouses. Can't help wondering if they aren't thinking exactly the same thing eg'Spouse' has been true to me all these years and we have a good relationship but I just don't feel she was the one, but what can I do, it would break her heart if she knew how I felt etc

NewNames · 14/11/2012 22:59

I completely understand this. Sad