Dh is either depressed, or on the verge of leaving me

[dribbleface]

Posted on here before here. Basically DH and I had a heart to heart, realised we needed to put more effort in, I am confident there is no OW.

Fast forward, DH stressed (very), work is tough, looks like he might be made redundant, he's been doing extra private work to try and secure some money in case. This weekend he's been 'ill', but with no real symptoms, laying in bed, not eating. He looks awful but in a stressed kind of way. I have asked if there is any thing other than feeling ill, hes says not.

This morning he was chatting to our neighbour, when I went out to do the school run the neighbour commented about how stressed DH was, not coping and 'having a midlife crisis'. I am gutted DH can tell him, but not me.

I have a feeling he's on the verge of leaving, what can I do, shall I confront him, wait and see? I'm hurt to see him so low, he says he's just run down, but i know there is more to it than that. To be honest if he really wants to go, I would rather he did. I would be devastated but better that than watch the man i love make himself ill with stress.

Hi - I know how awful it is when your OH won't open up to you or reassure you. You need to talk to him again, I know it's hard but ask outright are you planning to leave? He may have no intention of leaving, but be so consumed with himself that he does not want to cope with anything else and is living day to day.

Go and see your GP, they will probably suggest trying to get him to come in and they can assess his mental state and arrange counselling and/or medication. You need to keep communication going even if it is like swimming through treacle. Your OH is very lucky to have such a devoted partner as you

I remember reading your last thread a month ago. I thought you handled things well and made a huge effort to talk and be honest. You have had your share of trouble too this past year but you seem to be trying to fix this all on your own.

I realise if DH's work situation is perilous he won't agree easily to time spent seeing his GP or getting a medical, but I think he owes it to both of you to go. You've made it plain to him you want to make things work, I don't see how you can offer more. I recall you said about your dad being so poorly and your little one not sleeping through, yet it sounded back then like your DH seemed to disregard all that.

Emotional support through a tough time shouldn't be a one way thing, if he gets into the mindset that his problems outweigh yours and you need to step up, he isn't going to make any headway.

Thanks for replies, will pop back later to reply properly, DS2 asleep on me and lap top about to run out of power!

He MUST go to the GP. My DH was behaving in a similar way earlier in the year. He was either snappy, or uncommunative. I was convinced we had reached the end of the line. Something brought the situation to a head though and it transpired he was suicidal, was sitting in the car every day, looking at the tree he had picked. I had NO idea. I was moaning to all and sundry about what a miserable arse he had become.

The GP referred him to a pyschiatrist who prescribed AD/sleeping tablets and regular follow ups. It took a little while to bed in, but he is like a different person now. He has struggled to accept that he might need to stay on them long term.

Please, please get him to the doctor. DH said he felt so alone and ashamed of how he was feeling - he could see no other way out. And I was not being supportive at all.

janesnowdon1 - I have asked him, he tells me not to be silly. I have suggested GP, will see how this week goes and try again. Thanks for your kind words

Donkeysdon'tridebicycles - you remember correctly. DH doesn't do emotions, his own or others. He has always been the same. He has severe dyslexia, although I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bit more too it. I am certain if he was a child today they would have placed him on the spectrum somewhere. But he does need to understand, and you hit the nail on the head about him thinking his problems outweigh mine.

Portofino , your poor DH and you. I was seriously concerned this morning but he seems bit brighter after being at work. I will keep a very close eye on him.

I did suggest depression to him, he laughed, but that's his default response to things that trouble him.

I think he is depressed and you should get him to the GP at all costs.

It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure. I hope things improve for everyone soon.

tiresdofwaitingforittoallchange - it's been a rough year or so. The situation with my dad is ongoing, but his health is a downward spiral and this year has been tough. We do have 2 happy healthy Ds's though, so we are fortunate I know. I will try to get him to the GP, or have a chat with them myself.

Courage, dribbleface, it's a lot on your shoulders but come back and let us know how DH gets on.

I was asking for months if there was anything on his mind. I KNEW something was off. When he got home from work, it was like walking on eggshells. I literally was making plans to leave.

Quick update, managed to get Dh to admit to feeling overwhelmed but that's it.

He is snappy, argumentative and miserable to be around. Beginning to think he just want out, but he needs to be the one to do that, i will not do it for him.

Who know

Excuse typo's

Might he open up more to his patents or siblings?

Definitely not his siblings, and I doubt his parents, none of them do 'emotions', they don't check on each others emotional well being when things go wrong perhaps this is why he is like he is!

I am going to try to talk again later, think he will end things after Xmas if i am honest. Can't work out how much is him, how much is the usual stresses of a busy married life with young kids and how much is down to our relationship falling to pieces

Are you sure there is no-one else?

Basically what you're saying is that you've been living on a knife-edge for months with a snappy, irritable bloke who you think is going to leave you any minute, who doesn't think he's depressed and therefore won't go to a doctor.

What about you in all this? Isn't the stress of thinking you're going to be abandoned any moment getting to you?

Are you seeing any new money from all this 'private extra work'?

Am confident there is no one else (well as much as anyone can be), his private work is at my place of work and neighbours etc, so is genuine. Phone etc shows nothing, not been out etc.

But you're right cannot continue to live on a knife edge, not sure what to say/do. Got to the point earlier where I nearly asked him to move out for a while, to see how we both feel with a bit of space. I deserve to be with someone that loves me, I'm not perfect but I am not a terrible person. Then I think that its not what i want, that then its me that wrecked it. Wonder how much is down to my insecurities because of all he said back in Sept.

I just don't know.