Had a blazing row with DH in front of the DC today and feel terrible

[minxthemanx]

so don't flame me, because I'm ashamed enough as it is. Things have been tricky for a while, and a lot of tension surrounding secondary school choices for DS1. In brief, DH is from solidly private school background, I'm not - we've found several local comps that are good and DS is happy to go to. But DH is insisting he sits entrance exams for the private school where he works, even tho DS doesn't want to. I really lost it and yelled and yelled at DH, told him he needs to listen to what DS wants to do, rather than imposing his family's traditions on him. DH isn't insisting he goes there, but wants him to sit the exams to keep ' all options open'. It was a horrible row, which both DC heard, and DS1 and I both ended up crying on his bed. I've apologised to the DC and said that adults do fall out sometimes but we shouldn't have argued like that. But I feel so ashamed. Have had lots of cuddles with the Dc tonight, but DH and I not really talking.

It's hard but inevitable that kids will hear rows from time to time. What I think is important is them seeing how you both work through the issue and, as you've already done, explaining the situation to your kids.

I remember one of the worst parts of hearing my parents argue was not knowing or understanding what was happening and what to consequences would be. You've already explained that parents argue from time to time so I think you've covered that base.

What I'd focus on now is resolving the issue with dh. Once things are calm between the two of you maybe involve DC1 in the discussion (though it sounds like you've already done so).

think yabu , he's your husbands child too. keeping options open seems sensible.

It wasnt great to argue about the child in front of him, thats for sure.

I also think that your husband may have a point. Parents usually have a better idea of what is best for a 10yo than the 10yo does.

Most kids want to go to the school that they have heard will be the most fun or their mates are going to, rather than basing it on their futures.

Sorry you are feeling so down but honestly why can you not see your DHs view on this? It seems like you have shut him down like his view doesn't count.

There's a lot more to it. tbh. The private school involves school on Saturdays, which DS doesn't want to do, partly as it will mean leaving his football club. Plus we can't easily afford it, it will be a massive struggle and many things (such as DS2's swimming lessons, holidays etc) will go. We've discussed all this, and I can't see the point in DS doing entrance exams. He's already worked his backside off doing the 11 plus, and is really happy with 2 local schools (v good) if he doesn't get into grammar. I'm very unhappy that DH isn't listening to DS. And of course we shoudln't have rowed in front of them, but it all just spilled out.

But if he's going to sit the exam he needs to do shed loads of work in preparation. Has never seen a non-VR paper in his life. And it will be me that helps him, not DH. As I did for a year before the 11 plus. As far as I'm concerned, DS doesn't want to do it. We have plenty of other options.

Its almost impossible not to row in front of your children sometimes so don't feel guilty about that. I think it is good for children to see honest disagreement and that their parents are normal humans with actual feelings of their own.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and it was an utter shock to me. I had never seen them arguing.

Minty and Fobby thank you. I hated the DC seeing us argue like that, it really upset me and I'm very ashamed. DH and I do disagree on things quite often, and I've tried to explain to the DC that adults don't always agree, and sometimes have strong feelings. But I should never have let it get that bad today.

You could agree to let him sit the exam but say he may only do x number of hours preparation a week. If he needs to work his butt off to pass the entrance exam, he will struggle a bit if he does end up going there.
I think it is good to keep all options open. Your dh could even negotiate a free/heavily subsidised place for him in his next appraisal.
I don't think you should have sat with your son and cried as the message it gave him is that you were siding with him against your dp.

Formally I agree - as he has worked so hard for 11 +, I don't think he should be doing hours and hours of further work. He is sitting the exams. And even with DH's considerable subsidy, it is still beyond us financially, and there is another DS to consider.

I take your point about the tears, but I went up to comfort DS as I knew he was upset. I didn't say anything negative about DH, just that we don't agree on things at times. I wish I'd handled the whole thing better.

It won't hurt your children to see you argue, that's just demonstrating real life. It is important they see you make up though. I cried myself to sleep often as a child because I could hear my parents arguing and was sure they would split up, but the making up was done quietly and behind closed doors, so I never knew the row was short lived and normal. They've just celebrated 45 years BTW !

As you the entrance exam, I would let him take the test, if he can do so without any further work. I'm not sure that your son not wanting to do Saturday school should have a bearing on the decision on the school he attends TBH and I don't really think and 11yo should have to take responsibility for making this decision at all, that's what parents are for. MY DS1 wanted to go to the local failing school with his friends, should I have let him?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all- especially when you said about the finances and this decicision affecting your other dc in terms of sports clubs etc. you could be generating massive resentment if your eldest goes and you can't afford to send your youngest.

Don't worry too much about the arguments- they can be a part of a healthy relationship (although dependant very much on context) I hope you and your dh come to an agreement- for what it's worth I think you are right here.

thanks sausage. I think I was just very upset that DS and my views weren't being listened to - and DS is a very bright 11 year old, who is perfectly capable about thinking intelligently about school choices. Most of his friends are going to one local comp, which we've ruled out for various reasons, which he's fine with - but he absolutely loves 2 other schools, v good ones, if he doesn't get into grammar. Of course we are not letting him 'decide', but his say needs to be listened to, which I don;t feel DH is doing. And no consideration is being given to the financial impact on us as a family - I will have to work more hours, DS2 aged 6 will be impacted etc etc.

Quite often I feel like my life is dictated to by DH's family. They seem to think it's their way or no way.

Feeling a lot better after posting on here and 2 glasses of rose. I let DS1 stay up to watch a bit of I'm a Celeb, too, so he went to bed laughing his head off.