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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me...

51 replies

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 14:42

So my partner has left me, I tried to talk to him today but he doesnt even want to try he just wants his old single life back.
I am in pieces I have a 5 yr old and a 12 week old and im just breaking down all the time I feel so stupid and like a failure.
How can I move on because atm I cant eat, sleep or anything really just feel crap.
My sister has been round and my mum but it's just so hard and I cannot cope at all, please help me :(

OP posts:
The3Bears · 11/11/2012 15:40

I just want him to come home, I do trust him I was just upset when he did that

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marriedinwhite · 11/11/2012 15:40

That's what makes it worse 3Bears - nothing seemed wrong. Oh poor you. It will ease my love but if he can hurt you this much please don't just let him come back if he feels like it.

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 15:41

My mum said just to leave him not speak to him and he'll come home, he told her he just needs space but I know he wont will he?

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The3Bears · 11/11/2012 15:42

I want him back though I love him I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life :( I just feel stupid to think he wanted the same

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 11/11/2012 15:44

perhaps something did.

Don't make the mistake of assuming this must be your fault. He's made the choice to walk out, for whatever reason.

It could be because you question him all the time. It could equally be because you have just cause to question him!

I don't trust someone who has proven to me that they can't be trusted. Trust has to be earned, and when you chuck it away - it takes a LOT to earn it back!

He was having fun so he ignored you.

Nice.

One day, you will look back on this man who kissed someone else when you first got together, who walked out on you when you had a new baby, who ignored your phone call because he was "having fun" and you will want to send him a huge bunch of flowers and a stack of balloons that say "Thank You"

Sort out the practicalities. House in your name. Money. Do not hand control of the decision whether or not he will come home over to him.

He walked out. That was his final choice. All the choices now are yours.

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 15:50

Ive had a bit of a cup of soup and tidied the lounge, He said I need to leave him alone and stop putting pressure on him while he thinks about things

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marriedinwhite · 11/11/2012 15:55

No. This is the point where you take control. It is not about him deciding to come back and you waiting with open arms. If he says he wants to come back you will need to think about whether you want him to and on what terms. This is where you have to take some control otherwise you allow this to border on emotional abuse unless of course there are things you are not telling us.

HecatePropylaea · 11/11/2012 16:02

So he walks out because he feels like it and if he feels like coming back, he will, and if he doesn't, he won't?

That's not very nice for you, is it?

Won't you just be on edge waiting for the next time he feels like walking out?

If nothing else, he'll have ensured that that fear stops you from questioning him again. Won't he?

I know it's heartbreakingly painful, I know it is. I know that all you want is for him to fold you into his arms and tell you he loves you and he'll never hurt you again.

but step back and look at what he's done to you.

What makes you feel that he can do all that and THEN get to be the one to choose whether he comes back or not?

If he wants to, and if that's what you want, then that's your choice. but make it BE your choice. And make sure he knows that that is what it is.

At the moment, he's walked out on you all. And he's telling you to leave him alone while he chooses. And then he'll choose. And you'll be expected to accept whatever choice that is. And maybe that choice will be to walk back in through the door and pick up where you left off. With a lecture about how you behaved and how you must behave in future in order to avoid this. And possibly you'll feel it's your fault. And perhaps you'll change how you behave because you're afraid he'll go again.

But you'll still be waiting for next time. You'll be the one not asking the question, in case he leaves. You'll be the one making sure he's happy, so he doesn't leave.

But what about you?

If he wants to come back and if you want to let him, please talk about it and please don't let him make you the bad guy and list all the ways in which you've got to change.

It'll be a horrible life for you.

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 16:10

I know I understand, he wont come back anyway its just me hoping :( but things will never be the same I need to accept that. But im 25 and im a single mum to 2 babies who on earth is going to want me :( I just feel like im going to be alone forever

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marriedinwhite · 11/11/2012 16:15

Sweetheart you are 25. You have your whole wonderful life in front of you. By the time you are 30 both your children will be at school and you can start a whole new career. The world is your oyster.

In the here and now you need to turn the sitting room into a cinema, get some snacks out, put on a video your five year likes, feed your baby and feel the love for and from the two people in your life who will love you and who you will love unconditionally for ever.

Xales · 11/11/2012 16:16

You don't think you deserve better than this?

His saying he wants to be like when he was single to me means he wants to go out on a Friday, get drunk, wake up beside some random bird wondering if he managed and if he used a condom.

Well the first half of that sounds 100% like what he did the other Friday doesn't it... If you were trying to contact him at 4am where was he and when did he bother coming home? I bet he was useless as a parent the rest of the weekend.

And then it is your fault for not trusting him. Please don't buy into it being your fault in anyway shape or form.

He wants time to decide, to decide what? Whether the new bird he may have met is worth a test run, whether Fridays out with the lads doing all the above are more fun than sitting at him with the boring breast feeding Mrs & kids?

Do not take any blame for this. And please look in the mirror and realize you deserve way better than to be someone's back up.

/hugs

HecatePropylaea · 11/11/2012 16:18

come on, pet. It's far too early to think like that. that's fear of the unknown talking there.

don't make it about having a bloke. It's ok to be by yourself, with your children, while you recover from this.

If you don't want him back, if he doesn't want to come back - you'll get through it. You'll hurt, you'll grieve and you'll recover. If you do want him back, if he does want to come back - there's hurt there too and stuff to deal with!

It does you no good at all to start thinking about future relationships and letting fear of being alone control you.

You are in the middle of a painful and difficult situation. Deal with that first. Don't bog yourself down with other stuff. It won't help you.

Doha · 11/11/2012 16:19

I smell a rat here---red flags waving.

He went out last week, ignored you as he was having fun--who was he with? l think the fun involves OW and he has left to shag around and continue to have fun as a single man.

He will come back when he has had enough of the single life but l hope by that time you will kick him into touch.
He is NOT fit to lick your boots.
You need legal advice asap and financial advice--gather as much RL support as you can.
He wants space--so give it to him...and do not welcome him back.

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 16:27

We rent though and were not married what can I do?

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HecatePropylaea · 11/11/2012 16:34

Rent privately or through council/HA?

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 16:39

privately

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HecatePropylaea · 11/11/2012 16:42

ok. go to the CAB, or call or email them. Ask for their help and advice.

click here

The3Bears · 11/11/2012 16:52

Thank you

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 11/11/2012 17:20

Or try Shelter for advice.

balotelli · 11/11/2012 18:05

BTW there is someone else!

It is very likely that another female is on the scene.

Men very rarely just leave for nothing.

You will survive, your children need you and you need them.

You are so young, your whole adult life is waiting to be lived and there will be someone worth sharing it with you just never know where you will find them. I found mine in a car park after my first DW had run off with a good friend of mine. 13 years later, happy.

marriedinwhite · 11/11/2012 18:10

Hey OP, I found my fiancee in bed with my bf when I came home early unexpectedly. That was 25 years ago. OK there were no children but I still thought the world had ended. It hadn't; it had just begun and if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have met DH.

ChicMama25 · 11/11/2012 20:08

This guy is very immature and you deserve better. Got to be brief just now but thinking of you x

The3Bears · 13/11/2012 23:23

Im doing alot better now, realised I can do this on my own! Been abit upset tonight but had all my friends keeping me busy and arranging a fun night out on Saturday!
He came round today at 6 to see the children for a hour and he hardly spoke to them or played with them, when he was leaving I said we need to sort the money situation out now that you've decided it's over he said he's not sure yet but yeah he thinks it is after what I said on Sunday, (about him leaving for someone else) Been abit teary but I have to stay strong for my babies and move on. It's like he's a completly different person he just has no emotions about it ds1 was asking him to come home and he just said shhh and didnt even show any emotion! What the hell is wrong with him?

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ChicMama25 · 13/11/2012 23:37

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Sorry but my spidey senses say there is another woman, especially the emotionlessness and what he said to your ds

The3Bears · 14/11/2012 11:23

Yes I think your right :(

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