'You are special' the words I read on DP's email from another woman

[ILoveToblerone]

I am in bits and would appreciate advice.

Let's say I had a niggle. My DP had gone out and I had the urge to look at his email on his work phone. I was floored. Email correspondence on his phone to an ex female work colleague. No flirting but he has made arrangements to meet this female on Friday this week coming (his afternoon off), and not told me. He has strayed before.

The content that struck a cord...

'will we meet at same place??' from ex female colleague.
'you are special'' from ex colleague.
'looking forward to seeing you too' from dp.

I'm just floored. I had to leave the house, I left his phone on the dining table where he sits with the email open.

I can't help thinking the worst, surely 'you are special' are not the words used between 2 previous work colleagues'. I just would not say that to a male friend. There was nothing else flirty, but he did reply with a 'x'

I'm thinking nothing has happened but something might!

Am I over reacting. It looks bad to me. I'm seeing red flags. Any advice please would be appreciated.

It all sounds very... unambiguous. I'm sorry OP.

I'm so sorry OP but I think he is lying to you. As Thisisa says, men really don't say 'you are special' to each other. He has done it before

Have you got any support in real life?

My ex husband had his girlfriend's name in his phone as a man's name with the same first letter.

I could always tell when something was going on - in fact that's wrong - I knew something was going on and thought I was going absolutely mad because I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I went to the doctor about it saying to my ex, "I feel like my world is shifting, as though something is seriously wrong, but everything's great." I was on anti-depressants for years and will never forgive him for this.

You came home and knew something was wrong. Don't underestimate the power of your intuition. She may well have been at your house. Our sense of smell is stronger than we realise. Something may be slightly out of place and you can't put a finger on it.

If he's done it before and he's doing it now, then it's unforgivable, in my opinion. He's had his chance. Count yourself lucky your child is not his; your escape from this man will be much more straightforward.

Do you have clean sheets on your bed today? Have they been changed? Clean towels? Is the kitchen tidier/messier? Are bottles of wine missing?

Umm, please don't take this the wrong way 'You are special' - well is it an in joke? I mean, this is going to come out so incorrectly - but I have heard it used as banter in 'you're special you are' (special needs) I know its vulgar, and quite awful but it is a relative commonplace affection or banter amongst the 30-somethings

I think the texts aren't conclusive but they are enough to make you wonder. I'd go along with wait and gather more evidence. And ask sneaky questions to see his response (eg the Friday one.) If you confront him and it is an affair, he will probably lie.

I don't think I understand OP, sorry - he put a kiss on a text he is now saying was to a male colleague and he called him special, and you didn't see the name?
Confused, don't think this rings true if I'm at all understanding it.

That's part of my confusion Thursday! You've put much better.

Put it much better even damn phone

Sorry for confusion. He showed me a text fr

Oh I see, a cosy threesome again.....
If I were you OP I would play cool until Friday and I would then go along to said restaurant and see what, if anything, was going on.
You need to make him think that you believe him.
She may just be flirting with him and he may just like the attention. Nothing may of happened or be going to happen. However do not underestimate your intuition.
I did, but I was right all along.....
Still holding your hand xx

Sorry for confusion, I'm writing this on my phone.

But the way the email was worded, 'you are special too'. It didn't read to me as if it was a joke or fun, it read as an endearment from her. The text was from an ex male colleague, my dp says he is going for lunch with her and him on Friday. Hope this addresses the confusion.

Ah right that makes sense, sorry OP.
I'd still be a bit unsure if I'm honest but that's more to do with the fact that if there's three of them for this lunch that doesn't really address the tone of the messages, iykwim. But I think it looks much less damning than it did. Only you can know really - trust your instincts

OP are you saying your dh is meeting the ex male colleague on Friday too? or rather this is what he's implied?

Still inappropriate texting imo. I'd try and make sure I was available to see who he meets on Friday, that's if it still goes ahead.

Is your dh guarded with his phone etc

I'm totally confused re: this text.
Who is your dh saying sent it, the OW or his male colleague? But whoever sent it, he's saying he's meant to be meeting both of them.
And unfortunately you've now alerted him so he'll be covering his tracks.

The very first communication that I spotted from OW (before he deleted it) was an email that came through on the computer. My STBXH and OW were discussing his blood pressure and he said to her "You are a very clever girl to know so much".

My blood just went cold. Its a fairly innocent comment, but my instinct just immediately thought that it was out of order. and bearing in mind that my H had left me a few weeks earlier then came back, but now talked about this woman incessantly, it was enough of a comment to make me feel uncomfortable.

If that was me to a mates husband, I would have been saying, cheers for that, thanks.

His comment to her just hit me as flirty banter to a woman that he didnt even really like from his previous comments about her before he gave her a lift a few times. That one email led to me checking his facebook account, email account and mobile records and a whole can of worms came crawling out.......

if your instinct is making you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably right.... It is an awful thing to think and sometimes we do get things wrong, but our instincts are very highly tuned I think. You dont know whats going on because there is no sign, but as soon as there is, you pick up on it.

Please keep posting, you will get great support on here

Isn't the real problem here that you are suspicious of your husband because of his past behaviour? Today it's a text that's got you upset and worried, tomorrow it'll be something else. I'm sure there are other examples where you've felt uncomfortable about something he's said, done or omitted. You sound like you never quite believe him and are never totally relaxed about trusting him.

Whether there's anything actually going on or not is immaterial. I just think this is precisely the problem with relationships post-affairs. One party - in this case you - always on pins, never more than a few days or weeks from the next time your heart is in your mouth, wondering if he's at it again, checking e-mails etc. The other party - him - living life just as blasé as before, not so much as skipping a beat, giving no consideration that he has to make a special effort to restore the trust he's destroyed.

Who got the shitty end of the stick, I wonder? Not going to say 'LTB' but I think you might ultimately find that's the only way you restore your self-esteem and peace of mind.