Really, really fed up

[dizzy34]

I dont know where to start really.. I am just so fed up. Have four kids, 15, 12 , 12 and 3. The 3yr old has a very rare condition and is basically terminally ill, in that he cant be cured and has a short life expectancy. Only ds2 that is dhs. The other 3 have a different dad. On the whole dh is a good man, but there are some things that i dont know if i want to live with forever. we have been together since 1997 and married in 2000. He sulks over the slightest thing. This usually happens at a weekend and the whole weekedn will be ruined. He sulks for days at a time, but its not like he actually stays queit, he makes life hell and the atmosphere crap for everyone.We both work full time, and i i have a very stressful job as a social worker and i have just started my own company.
He picks at the kids for the slightest things and doesnt really make conversation with them, he is also very critical of them.
My biggest bug bear is rugby, he goes on a saturday dinner time and usually i wont see him again until 9.30- 10ish, sometimes 11ish, but not very often. we struggle to get a babysitter for ds2 because he stops breathing during seizures, vommits and needs suctioning, so its not like i can just go out. He thinks that i am unreasonable for being 'put out' that he doesnt come home after the game. I dont mind him playing, i dont mind having saturday day to myself, but it f me off that i spend saturday evening on my own, with a child who doesnt really sleep and needs one to one 24hour care. It wouldnt be so bad if he came in all loving and happy, but he comes in so pissed he slurrs and stumbles and he starts arguements with me, storms of to bed, snores loudly all night and doesnt remember a thing in the morning. I have called up to the rugby club a few times and he is sat with a mixed gang of rugby lads and young girls that follow them everywhere. He mentions one of the girls alot and has even seen her in the gym, where she had a jaquzzi with him and his friend.I am fairly certain that he hasnt done anything, but i just wonder whether she looks appealing to him. she is very slim, very young, no children etc etc.
He made a comment to me during an arguement about an hour ago, he said 'i had the rugby club before you and i will have when youve gone', WTF does that mean. Also he is going on a stag weekedn to magaluf in may and i am taking the kids away for aweekend with my business partner. i said to him today that i think i will try to get someone to come to spain with me for a weekend and he went ballistic. He said he is taking the kids away this weekend so i get a break (even though i am not going anywhere) so this is the same as him going magaluff.
Well ive listed the things that pi** me off, now his good points. He seems to adore me. He is always buying me pressies and flowers and will norm do anything to make me happy. He is a good dad to ds2. Next weekend he is taking the two 12yr olds and ds2 to wales with his single male friend and his two yr old for the weekend. Effectively giving me a break i suppose. We have a fantastic sex life, and (sorry if its too much info) fully satisfies me everytime and isnt in the least bit selfish. He works very hard and is up at 4.30am for work, although he finishes at about 2-3ish.
Am i being stupid, am i right to feel 'put out'. The comment about the rugby club being there when im gone made me think he wants to be single.

sorry for the ramble.

Would love everyones opinions

Dizzy

i think you have every right to moan at him and feel angry about it all as ds2 is his child as well it sounds to me that your child has a very serious health condition and you need support as well you need help with things having a child is a 2way thing wher you bpth have to work as a TEAM.

here is what i think
1)if i foind my dp with his friends and a group of girls i would go balistic dont get me wrong i trust my dp i just dont trust the women.
2)me and my dp have a mutual rule we only go out together not singley, so there would be no way he would go out as a stag night let alone a weekend!
3)he has got to learn to treat all your children as equals as it sound as if he comes down harsh on your children, does he have a problem that they arent all his kids?

I think its about time that he grown up and stopped having these nights out after the game and be a real man and come home to his family.

sorry if that sounds a bit harsh!

sorry excuse the typos got carried away!!

Dizzy - hope having your ramble helped :)

You seem to accept that rubgy is your DH's interest, he was 'into' it when you first knew him and you knew that 'loosing him' to rugby every weekend was part of the territory. I'd agree with you on that. However, it is selfish and unacceptable for him to spend all his Saturday there (i.e. evenings as well). I'd be p'ed off as well if I was you.

My guess is that the rugby club is where he goes for 'his' time and space, to be one of the lads, where he escapes being the man of the house who has to work hard and deal with pressures at home. That's fine, but he's not giving you any opportunity whatsoever to have the same time and space yourself. It wouldn't be so bad if he was only having one drink after the game, but staying on and getting bladdered every Saturday is out of order. (If his rugby mates had any sensitivity, they wouldn't encourage him to stay!!)

Essentially, it sounds like you both work hard and have a lot on your plates but you don't communicate about properly. I bet if you weren't so busy working, looking after the kids and arguing, and actually had a proper talk about things, you'd find you were both 'on the same side'.

Is there no way you can both make some time and get your heads around things/have a proper talk? (have you got family near you who can help out?) Sorry to hear your DS isn't well x.

I Can sympathise dizzy, cos my dp sulks and goes off to the pub a lot on his own. My two teenagers are not his kids but we have a ds of 5 yrs. My little ds has a trachy tube in his airway when he was two and know what its like to have to suction etc, worried about his breathing. we had little to no babysitter. My dp has disassociation disorder and we have little to no sex at all. So you are not alone in a crappy relationship. My heart goes out to you. why do they have to be so selfish sometimes.? wishing you lots of luck to sort things out !

plus..my dp last summer went to Scotland for a weeks holiday on his own. the swine.. he said he needed a break. Will not have him doing that again. He said he was going camping and would cost nothing. He ended up in hotels and spent £600+. Was very cross but never had it out with him.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies, things are no better at the moment. The situation has got very tit for tat and i hate it, but he seems to just be able to drop his responsibilities and forget all about me at home.
I am going out on fri next week, and then on saturday going out for a meal with my friend. I am looking forward to the break, just pissed off with the atmosphere and dreading saturday nights.
Nicolaj-i understand what you are saying and if it works for you then that is good. I think we need the space to be able to get away at times (i have been to dublin last year and the year before for a night each time), but i do think he is being really selfish with his rugby nights.