WWYD MIL has gone too far

[Doneinagain]

I could really use some advice about how to treat my MIL as I want to run for the hills and protect my children but feel bad for my DH.
Sorry it is a bit long but I don't want to drip feed. MIL and I have always had a strained relationship, could be a cultural thing and also because I find her narcissistic and completely self centred. She was an alcoholic while my DH was growing up, never around, he was ashamed of bringing friends around but won't have a word said against her. In recent years she has been supportive of my DH and extremely helpful financially while I've been on mat leave.
She's the sort of person who is really thoughtless and is always putting her foot in her mouth. I've tried to understand its just her personality and not malicious but there are only so many excuses one can make.
A few weeks ago she was visiting and had been to the hospital for some tests( she is recovering from cancer) my DH was still at work and so she came home and went up to sleep for the afternoon. She didn't come down to see the children for 5 hours and even when I came upstairs to bathe and put them to sleep she stayed in her room and didn't even come out to say goodnight. She admitted to me later that she was awake but was listening to radio 4. She's always been detached from my DD's and much closer to here daughters kids who she lives near to. The next day my DH went to a show at earls court as I had bought him tix for his birthday. She spent the entire day up in her room and don't come out to play with me and the kids all day. Only came out again when DH came home and kids were already in bed. Let me stress that she is recovering from lung surgery a year ago but is in robust health and a young grandma iykwim? I went up to check on her a few times gave her lunch etc and she admitted she wasn't sleeping just listening to the radio.
She has since apologised for her behaviour but claimed she couldn't handle the tension and noise of my DD's and me. My oldest is three and is a typical challenging 3 year old but nothing out of the ordinary. She claimed she found the discipline and tantrums too much to bear. I got incredibly hurt and told her if she found our house too stressful then maybe she shouldn't come to visit until the children were older. She has shouted at my DD before without realising I was nearby and when I asked her about it she denied she had done anything and that DD was overreacting.
It is her DGD's birthday next weekend and she has asked if we are coming to visit. I really don't want to. She never has any food in the house and I come from a culture where you always feed your guests and really spoil them. I can't handle the six hour round trip only to have to deal with two tired hungry children when I'm there while she pays little or no attention to them.
DH wants to go and I have told him he can go alone. He wants to take the children but I have told him I am not comfortable with them being around her on their own. A part of me feels guilty to deny my kids their grandma but I cannot allow her to carry on being such a bitch to them while she is adoring and attentive to her other GD's. so am I being unreasonable of should I put a stop to this now the only way I know how?

What a good way of looking at it djelibeybi... I shall use that the next time I'm trying to explain to DH how I feel

juila what did ur dp say about you not getting a gift?

Nothing ddubsgirl I was a bit cheesed off with him

i bet! my in laws never seem to put any effort into mine & dh xmas gifts,last year we got his & hers watches :/ dhs broke as he took it out the box and the fact that its a normal` watch,dh is dyslexic and finds it hard to read a normal watch and only ever has digital watches,as his parents know! yr before that i got a wine set(4 small bottles+glass) even tho i dont drink wine! ended up giveing it to a neighbour yet sil & bil get lovely gifts and pils put effort into thiers yet we are the ones that have them here every year for xmas as sil or bil wont host them and we have everyone here boxing day

Oh DH's can be soo clueless and it's enough to drive me into an absolute rage...but then she's winning isn't she. If I were to concoct a dream scenario as to how I would like my husband to behave whenever his mother is particularly vile if would go something like this:
DH: Mum maybe you don't mean to and I'd like to think that you are simply unaware of some of the things you say and do but sometimes the way you behave towards Donein makes me incredible sad, hurt and disappointed that You can't treat hr with more love. She is the love of my life and the mother of my children and I would love for you to have a part in our lives...but sometimes I'm not sure you're even bothered.
Your passive aggressive bitchy comments will no longer be tolerated and if you don't know how to treat the DGC with more love and attention then tell me and I'd be happy to teach you.
Oh and my Dsis is NOT a better parent than Donein just because she doesn't choose to discipline her children by letting them watch as much TV as they would like and eat anything they want. That isn't calm parenting it's lazy.

Ahhhhh that felt soo good

If she can't be bothered to come downstairs and see the children in their own house why would you take them to see her? I'm sure your DD would prefer to spend her birthday doing something other than a 6 hour round trip to be ignored.

Ha thanks coco but it is actually her other GC's birthday not my DD's that we have been invited to attend but I really really can't be arsed!

Oops sorry! I'd still stay away though

yabu-you accept financial help per your op from her, and then give out cos she stays in her room.. she's recovering from cancer also from your op. maybe she senses your opinionof her. was she as annoying when you accepted her money? if you're cutting contact maybe give it bav

give it back that is. situation sounds awkward but you cant say she's no intwrest in gdd when she's helped you financially on your mat leave..

II31 I am ridiculously appreciative of the financial help she's given us but I don't think that entitles her to behave poorly towards me and my DD's...the two are not mutually exclusive.
I do not expect anything from her other than to treat my family kindly. When I was eight months pregnant with DD2 I had MIL come and stay with us after her surgery while I nursed her back to health. The daughter she dotes over would not have her in her house because she claimed it would make her DH uncomfortable. She also exclusively supports her daughter and her two GC'S. but none of that matters she should still be able to be civilised to me and my DC and certainly not be abusive.
What does everyone else think?

It s ounds to me like she could be suffering from depression.

While it is nice to have grandparents it is better to not have a relationship with them if they bring bad feeling into the house.

She has suffered from depression in the past...and could well be suffering from it now. The thing is if she is and it enables her to be vile to me and the DD's surely I should protect myself and the DD's from that sort of behaviour. I could forgive anything directed at me I'm a grown woman....but trying to explain to a 3 year old why grandma only plays with her cousin or 'forgot' to bring her Xmas presents (as last year) doesn't seem very fair to me.

I know it's depressing for you, but some people don't like small children even if they belong to their own family. Your MIL has form with this - she drank her way through her own DCs childhood, so in a way it would be bizarre if she was a decent grandmother.

I'd write her off for the next couple of years - she might change and get nicer when DDs are a bit older. Don't fight with her - she's begging for that one can sense, just detach.

Yes, you are right. Children cannot, and should not have to, understand such behaviour at such a young age.

It sounds to me that she favours her d as her d doesn't reciprocate that favouritism. Almost like she's trying to get in her good side. I wouldn't go but I would not tell her the truth. You don't want to put yr dh is a difficult position either. Just make an excuse and don't go. Maybe she won't be so bad to yr dd with you nt there and if there are kids at the party then maybe yr dd will be too busy playing with cousins to notice?

Thanks everyone you've confirmed to me that it's ok to disengage I just have to believe it now.

Don't go, and don't allow your children to be subjected to this awful situation. You aren't obliged to put up with it and neither are they.

Oh November....where do these witches come from?
In a way though can you feel grateful that she was so upfront with her nastiness? At least there is no doubt that she is a selfish troll who can't be arsed to form a relationship....clearly her loss.
For me one of the most head banging things is that on the outside my mil appears to kind,intelligent and attentive but she is actually so two faced that it took me completely by surprise when I discovered who she really was(that shitty email she sent to me by accident)
Lets not even get on to the impending argument about Christmas. I will have to tell DH that his family are welcome here but I do not want to go and visit them...what say you fair or unfair?

Hi doneitagain,

You ask where these witches comes from; I would have to answer that in many cases they behave like this simply because they came from dysfunctional families themselves where abuse featured.

I think your DH is part of the problem here; a lifetime of conditioning at his mother's hands has made him unwilling or unable to stand up to his mother and actually put you and his own family first now. He may well not want to admit to himself that actually you are right and that his own mother is a toxic woman who has let him down badly both as child and adult. He may well be in FOG with regards to her; fear, obligation, guilt. That is why he says nothing derogatory about her.

I would also add that she is still an alcoholic even though she may not be drinking any more (you do not know that for certain though) and they can be terribly selfish. Being raised by such a person has likely made your DH codepedent and he feels very responsible for her. Also he's still trying subconsciously to win her approval.

If he wants to visit he can go on his own. You do not have to drag yourself and your children into her house; also you do not feel welcome in any way there. You also undoubtedly want your children to have decent role models; their grandmother does not fit the bill. Your children won't thank you either when older to have been subjected to such a nasty person by their parents.

You would not put up with this from a friend; family are really no different in that regard. Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Wow thanks Attila. A lot of what you say is spot on. Mil's own family was abusive, her father was an alcoholic who died from liver failure and her mother, as she hastens to tell everybody was a narcissist depressive....the apple did not fall far from the tree.
My DH is a wonderful man and exactly as you describe, he does feel responsible for her especially since she became sick and in a way I can't fault him for that. But I do need to be strong enough to not subject myself and the children to her odd,cold and downright mean behaviour.
It is hard though because I see how attentive and caring she is to her other GC's. She teaches the five year old piano once a week....and at the same time spends much of the time we are there whispering to the five year old that anything my DD's have she will buy for her later Why is she unable to dote on her own son's children in the same way? I suspect it is because as another poster mentioned she is not fond of children at a young age....but I will not tolerate her excluding my DD.
How can I help my DH or should I steer clear of his relationship with his mum?

The unhealthy dynamic of the relationship between your DH and his mother is not something you should involve yourself personally in. That has to be for your H to figure out, hopefully he will given time but equally he may not. Would he do you think consider counselling to discuss his relationship with his mother?. At the very least reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help him, his relationship with her still smacks of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

You can protect yourself and that of your children by you having as little direct contact with MIL as humanely possible. What you write of her own childhood only strengthened my initial suspicions of her own self coming from an dysfunctional and emotionally abusive family unit.

Actually you may want to look at or post on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages even though this is about your H's mother.