pregnant, boyfriend has run a mile

[purplebee]

I'm in early stages of pregancy with a 6 year old. My (previously) lovely boyfriend begged me to have an abortion, when I would not, told me to 'chose' between him and the baby. I chose the baby. He now has rejected the whole situation and doesn't want to be named on the birth certificate. Can I force him to awknowledge his child? I will have one child with a doting father and one child with none. I don't know how to expalin the situation to either child and am already worried about impact it will have on my unborn child being rejected by it's father.

Advice especially from anyone who has similar experience welcome!

I have heard of several men who 'thought they were infertile' for no medical reason whatsoever. Why did he think that? And he's hardly a kid at mid twenties is he? What a knob. You can't make him be a dad but you can make him financially support the baby. God I despise men like that.

Luckily not everyone these days has such Conservative views on raising children in rl.

I have also been in a similar situation. With a younger man, who acted like a knob. We weren't in a relationship though .

Anyway, it took until DS was a year old for him to 'come to terms' with being a dad, start regular visits and maintenance payments. My only regret about the whole thing is wasting my pregnancy worrying about his reaction.

Hth

Two parents are better... Guessing you're not saying that as someone who has been treated like absolute shite in a relationship then, LyingWitch? Two parents is certainly an easier set up for the otherwise single mother, to give you a bit of a breather, but for the children? No, I heartily disagree.

SirBoobALot... I personally think two parents (either gender) are better - and definitely easier for sharing the load of parenting. That spills over to the children too. The same goes for having extended family who will support you to whatever degree.

I'm not saying at all that it's the 'only way', it isn't, but while there are many women who find themselves in circumstances that they didn't anticipate, it's a bit different from not even stacking the deck in your favour by getting pregnant with somebody who at least wants the child at the start.

It really bothers me, that's why I posted. It bothers the OP too. I think most women would want a partner to engage with and support them in pregnancy and parenting. Draw whatever conclusions you like about my relationships, you have no idea.

I think you're being very disrespectful and insulting. I wake up a lot of the time feeling like I failed my DS because I didn't stay with a man who hurt me.

Yes. He'd definitely be better with that.

Don't be such a prize arse. Unexpected pregnancies happen. This man claimed that he was infertile, so what was the OP supposed to think?

My son is three today and is the happiest, calmest, kindest little boy. He has - shock horror - been raised by me as a single disabled teenage mother. The poor child must be entirely screwed according to your view on family set ups.

I hope for your child's sake that he steps up, only because you have another child with a doting father and it would really be hard watching your siblings dad come to pick up them up/having fun with them whilst you stay behind.

LyingWitch, I think you ought to have a think about how your posts might make the OP feel before you press the post button. Your comments are unkind and hurtful and you ought to stop.

Oh, he thought he was infertile. That old line. You believed that? Did you see proof? OP you won't see that he is being a manchild (which doesn't refer to age by the way, but attitude... a 40 something man can easily be a manchild too!) when you have such an attitude yourself defending him and not seeing that he has betrayed you here.

Anyway in answer to your question, no - you can't force him. Even though he really ought to take responsibility for his actions. I'm sorry you had the misfortune to encounter him. Don't hesitate to get the CSA involved.

"he knows I didn't get pregnant on purpose (without going into detail, he thought he was infertile)"

• to me that sounds like he told you he was infertile to get out of using condoms and now wants to get out of any responsibility. What a prince . . . Sounds like you're well shot of him.

Any chance your elder DC's Dad might include the new one a little? A friend of mine had a DC, split with his Dad and went on to have another with someone who was a casual relationship and who didn't want contact with the baby. Her used to take both children out and they both called him Daddy, which I thought was really sweet. I expect they told the children the truth eventually.

good post sirboobalo you sound like youve got your life sorted. never to narrow minded people about you need 2 papparents blah blah blah. i know plenty of people broight up by 2 parents and are screwed up. i am a single dedicated parent and my dcs are thriving

Hi purplebee, I was in this postion with ds1.
I didnt want him to not have a fathers name on the birth certificate, so I contacted the csa and because ex denied being the father they arranged a dna test, if ex didn't comply with dna test they assume parentage, but he did and obviously was shown to be the father.
After this they can fill out a form to re register the birth to have their name included on the birth certificate. My ex refused to do this, so I contacted a solicitor, it cost me about £500 all in, but with the dna test I was able to get the name added to the certificate without his consent.
You cant force them to have contact though and no one, not even the solicitor could understand why I wanted the name on the certificate.

It was almost 8 years ago but I had forgotten my ex gave me the `I thought I was infertile' line.. sent a shiver down my spine when I read that..
(no medical evidence - he just had a hunch pah!)

To me, the difference between a manchild and a man is that when life doles out unexpected complications the man steps up to his responsibilities, whether he is at fault or not. Nothing to do with age.

Neither of you set out to create this situation, but there it is and it has to be dealt with. That is the test of manhood.

My ex is a sweet man No he is not. Sweet men do not give ultimatums like that especially when the situation is of HIS doing. HE told you he was infertile.

but so adamant he doesn't want involvement Absolute wanker really.

He is much younger than me and although he knows I didn't get pregnant on purpose (without going into detail, he thought he was infertile) he is mad at me for not taking his age into account (mid 20's) and getting an abortion That's brilliant that is. HE tells you he's infertile, he fucks up and isn't, yet YOU are supposed to put yourself through an abortion because he doesn't want to face up to his responsibilities. Mid 20's is not a young teenager. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop talking like a stupid 15 year old (a sensible 15 year old wouldn't say that).

My son misses him as he was brilliant with him That is very sad :( but your DS is young, that will fade and he has his Dad.

The relationship was lovely, the best I've had, until this happened How long were you together? If it wasn't this, it would have been something else - try not to think of this as being because of the pregnancy, but because he's a fuckwit.

I don't want him back Please remember that when he comes knocking and remember how he tried to guilt you into an abortion. Nice men don't do that.

but I can't understand how he can reject his own child No, it's hard to understand isn't it :( He might change his mind when he sees the baby/it becomes real, which might be nice for the baby, BUT I would never get back into a relationship with him as I would NEVER trust him not to run out if things got 'hard work'.

When I say this to him he says I am emotionally blackmailing him YOU are emotionally blackmailing him - FFS - he is the one who tried to make you have an abortion to keep him! He's acting like a child. Tell him to 'do-one' until he grows up.

I'm sorry he's let you down so badly :(

My 7 year old son has an absent father. He even stated on the divorce petition that he didn't want anything to do with him as its too emotionally draining, he does pay pitiful maintenance though.

My son was 3 when we split and apart from recognising the turn off to his fathers house and asking to go see him, for the first few months, he has never been bothered.

My son has an Uncle who he sees most weekends, so his has a male in his life. He is also more in touch with his feminine side, which is fine by me.

Thank your lucky stars he's gone now. I had dp who said he was infertile after an accident in his youth. I thought I was too old but I ended up pg. I told him that I didn't expect him to stay but he did and we married the year after dd was born.

Roll on 5 years and he has now walked out saying that he felt steamrollered into staying and getting married. He never loved me (although he claims to love me like a sister now ) and can't live a lie anymore.

I wish with every fibre of my body that he had walked when we discovered I was pg. I wouldn't the pain and distress this has caused me, dd and the wider family on anyone. You can build a happy and secure environment for dc on your own. You won't miss having to deal with someone who isn't committed to their child or you.

Good luck.

How are you getting on OP?

My boyfriend left me when I fell pregnant at 18, I had to grow up very fast. But my ds is thriving, my dp is wonderful with him and ds adores him. He is a happy little boy. Ex did "come round" a little when I gave birth and sees ds for a weekend a month, you don't know what will happen until the bay is born and it's 'real' for your ex.

Mid twenties is old enough to take responsibility, I had my ds a month before I turned 19 and since then I have been through university, and now am studying for a masters and working. I hate it when 'men' claim to be too young to deal with the consequences.

You will get through this, and I'm so pleased you didn't give in to his pressures as I very almost did as my ex emotionally blackmailed me so much. Try to get excited- you are having a baby! Think about when you hold your baby for the first time, you've already put he/she first, and it will have a doting big brother who I'm sure will love to have a baby brother or sister! you will be fine

He declared himself infertile so he can bareback the OP. Simple as that. Now that he has got her pregnant, he is being childish instead of owning up to his responsibilities

Some of the comments here about the guy make me a bit It's perfectly possible to be a nice person and not want anything to do with a baby, and he's made his feelings very clear at the outset. I wonder if some of the people making these comments about his implied immaturity and character would say the same about a woman having an abortion. Of course, if he was lying about thinking he was infertile (and who doesn't use contraception because they "don't think" they're infertile? ) then that IS pretty crappy.

OP, what's done is done so take no notice.

I had my DS nearly 15 years ago with a man that I knew I didn't want to be with. He see's his dad a couple of times a year, which is fine.

My DS is my favourite person in the world, he is kind, funny, loving and has more insight than myself most of the time. He is also happy and content. There is also no friction as my rules are the only rules.

My sister also had a child by "accident" who is now 21 and an absolute star. She has never known her father. My sister has offered on many occasions to help her trace him if that's what she wants, she doesn't. Yet again, my niece is a well balanced absolute star.

One strong loving parent is far better than two mediocre ones any day.

Good luck sweetheart and congratulations on your little blessing.

Samandi choosing to have nothing to with a child you created is enough to make you not a decent person.

And there are thousands of men who 'think they are infertile' and persuade women to forgo condoms with no evidence then run away when pregnancy occurs. This is sneaky, manipulative, cowardly, immature, selfish behaviour. If it quacks like a duck...

MakeItALarge - that's ok, we can disagree :-)

I do agree that he should have used contraception. Unless he had medical evidence that he had been diagnosed as infertile. Presuming that he didn't then THAT part does make him a crappy person.

However, I simply don't get this idea that in the case of a genuine accident the woman should EXPECT the man to be excited about being a parent. Especially if they haven't been going out very long - it's obviously quite different if you're in a long term stable relationship.

ErikNorseman - we'll also just have to disagree too. Not about the lying bit, as already explained. But if a man doesn't want to be a parent, then I can understand that. I wouldn't want parenthood thrust upon me either.