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Original poster

Dp lying about giving up smoking - why?

18 replies

misstee · 02/04/2006 11:57

Ok here's one for the psychoanalysts! Or maybe I over analysing it myself?

Before we had our baby, dp used to smoke about 5 a day and it didn't bother me too much. Once I got pregnant however I really wanted him to give up - for me, for the baby and for himself. He cut down to about 2 but could never quite do it completely for longer than a couple of weeks or so, even with patches. I did give him a hard time about it - hoping to be cruel to be kind - winding him up about health risks etc.

When I went into hospital to have the baby he used patches and gave up completely (or so I thought). Up until a few weeks ago I was sure he had (sorry if tmi but there is one surefire way to know if a man smokes - we even joked about me 'random drug testing'!)

Last night (in the same way) I just knew he had started again (and he must have known I would know!). Checked his pockets this morning and found the evidence. Of course he denied anything when I accused him of lying until the penny dropped and he realised what I knew. He claims he just has 'half of one' on his break at work. But why? Why smoke 'half of one', and why lie about it? He says he's been stressed (true, aren't we all?) but that he lied because he didn't want to let me down and of course because I would give him a hard time. Of course doing it and lying about it makes me mad! Why not be honest and admit it's too hard? I've fallen off the wagon thousands of timnes trying to lose weight, we all have our addictions. It gets to me that he is deceitful about it (I feel like a fool making jokes about it with him and him letting me) I often asked him to tell me if did have 'just' one (I'd rather he was upfront about it). He managed to not smoke even on nights out with the boys. He is so secretive it annoys me and I think that's it - that he wants to have a secret from me. He never wanted to give up at all (despite the potential risks to ds and the threat of him losing a leg or something - he works on his feet all day and often complains about pains etc)

This also seems to me daft because he can't be missing the nicotine, I could understand it more if he was a heavy smoker, it's just the habit and he is totally out of his old routine - ie different job, not going out drinking much etc, he is as stressed as ever, so is that it? that he wanted to remind himself of the old routine? I just think he wanted to have a little secret that I can't control (I earn more than him, it's my house etc despite me wanting us to marry and become more equal he thinks it is too much even though we have a baby - these are issues for us). I feel like his mother telling him off!

OP posts:

maltesers · 02/04/2006 12:03

human nature is that when you tell someone they cant have something they want it all the more. My dp is the same . 13th attempt at giving up .

jofeb04 · 02/04/2006 12:04

Hiya,
I cant blame you for thinking about why he lied, but when i give up, i re-started many times before I packed it in. I only smoked between 5 and 10 a day, lost the nicotine need, but it was a habbit. I was use to being in work and having a fag break iyswim.
I only packed it when i became pregnanct. And i havent smoked since (almost 3years).

maltesers · 02/04/2006 12:05

He has got to want to stop himself. the sad thing is they will be dead by the time their children are 20 and that is terrible. Would we all be eating weetabix if it said on the packet that IT KILLS ! ? ? ?

expatinscotland · 02/04/2006 12:07

malteasers is right.

my husband has an intense phyiscal addiction. he's trying his best to shake it, but as a former smoker i can tell you, you can NEVER nag or convince a person to quit. they have to want to. very badly.

BettySpaghetti · 02/04/2006 12:09

This sounds like me and DP 2 years ago -he kept giving up and failing. Then, one day I thought I could smell cigarettes on him so asked him outright and he denied it.

A few weeks after he came home and there was no mistaking it this time -I confronted him and he admitted it. I also confronted him about the previous occasion and he admitted he'd lied about that.

It was the fact he'd lied that first time that annoyed me most. he couldn't really give me an reason as to why he'd lied other than he didn't want to admit failure and I think he felt a bit of an idiot for starting again.

I used to smoke years ago too so I know part of what its like. The one thing I would say is that you can't make someone give up -they have to be ready and have made up their own minds. I didn't "nag" DP about giving up as I knew this would have the opposite effect. He made up his mind and gave up but then, for some stupid reason, slipped back into it again (the odd one in the pub etc).

He is now a non-smoker and he wouldn't dare to lie to me about it again!!

I'm sorry I've got no real answers for you but just wanted to say I know what you're going through and hopefully it will turn out ok in the end.

mistressmiggins · 02/04/2006 12:10

I lied about smoking when I smoked and H wanted me to give up
(this was years ago)

its an adiction and although hes lying about this, from personal experience, it doesnt mean hed lie about other things - he jsut cant/doesnt want to give up & doesnt want you disappointed

like expat said, Peter needs to want it - noone else can give him the will power

Original poster

misstee · 02/04/2006 12:24

You're all right, he doesn't want to give up, does he? It's the clinging on to that one last cigarette that annoys me I think. It can't give him any real enjoyment surely? Is it just a little psychological crutch?

OP posts:

Squarer · 02/04/2006 12:25

He is lying because he is ashamed of his addiction and reliance on a little stick of tobacco. World class cigarette smoking liar here (now ex)

Your saying he can't be missing the nicotine is interesting - why do you say that?

Original poster

misstee · 02/04/2006 12:31

Doesn't nicotine leave your body within days? He gave up for ages (and I know he did because of the taste test!) so it must have gone out of his system. I also believe him when he says he only has a half (probably more like one though) because he doesn't smell of it at all after work like he used to (when he only had 2-5) and only has a tiny little pouch of tobacco and a very well worn packet of papers. I honestly think this one cigarette a day is him sticking a finger up at me (even if it is behind my back!).

OP posts:

Squarer · 02/04/2006 12:45

I will bet a puond to a pinch of the proverbial he slipped up and had one cigarette because in his mind he see's cigarettes as something he had to give up but saw them as a "good thing" (you said he used the word "stressed" so he's smoking to alleviate stress.

That's his reasoning - He's smoking because each single cigarette he smokes each day is just enough to fuel a cigarette addiction. He's addicted again. It's killing him only having one(?) and he hates himself for having slipped up. He's doesn't want to admit to you that he has failed, so that's why he's lying.

Yes, nicotine does leave your body relatively quickly, but psychologically he's still addicted.

Don't nag him - buy him the Allen Carr book and say no more

ScummyMummy · 02/04/2006 12:47

Could it not be a single cigarette of enjoyment rather than two fingers up at you? It used to be my ambition to smoke one fantastic fag per day so as to retain the fantastic buzz that one gets from the best of cigarettes whilst cutting out the foul habitual majority. I couldn't do it because I just can't stop at one, unfortunately. And I didn't succeed in stopping at all until about my 15th attempt, I reckon and I was definitely slippery with the truth at certain points in the process. I didn't want to face the disappointment of those rooting for me to succeed- crap of me but very common, I've heard. I'm bad at self discipline, admittedly, but it is very hard to give up smoking. I strongly urge cutting your dp some slack- one a day is pretty near non-smoking as long as he can keep it to just one.

Original poster

misstee · 02/04/2006 13:03

Ok, I feel like a cow as it is! I do (now I know he is smoking) really think that the reason he is feeling so physically low at the moment is because of this low-level addiction which becomes a vicious circle ie you have a fag to make yourself feel better - it is killing him only having one! Someone lent him that Allen Carr book ages ago but I don't think he can read unless it's on teletext sport!

OP posts:

flutterbee · 02/04/2006 13:05

I'm an ex smoker and when I first tried to give up dh was really happy and proud of me, after a few weeks I slipped up but I continued lying to dh, I smoked as soon as he wasn't around and then eventually started in front of him again.

I did it because I know how happy it made him, he was soooooo proud of me and I didn't want to let him down.

I eventually realised that it was only myself I was letting down, I have now given up for good (3 months today actually) and can honestly say that I never ever want another ciggie and quitting is the best thing I have ever done.

Try to remember that people have to want to give up themselves I tried and failed to do it for my dh and it sounds like that is what you dh is doing. It's not sticking 2 fingers up at you just a very very sad addiction.

Twinkie1 · 02/04/2006 13:10

He was probably embarrassed - I smoke when I have a drink - only out though or when I with my Best Friend - it is just habit as I do without the rst of the time but I feel so embarrassed when I come home to DP who has been great giving up and not having any since!!

And yes he probably does want to give up or he would just do it in front of you and tell you to lump it.

You do sound a bit scarey though being cross that he wants to have a secret from you - he isn't shagging your sister just having a fag and although that is terrible I think you are overreacting a little!! (don't take that the wrong way though!!)

Original poster

misstee · 02/04/2006 13:22

Twinkie - I think I am a bit scary! you are right, smoking although horrible is not that big a deal relationship-wise but I really have an issue with the lying. He has been secretive about other things with me and I've often wondered why he has hidden things from his friends, parents etc I think he has a huge fear of letting people down which I think is due to his parents being over protective/expecting too much. His sister self-harms because she can't talk about things with them. I told you I needed psychoanalysis! (and we haven't even started on me! )

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 02/04/2006 13:33

That sounds a lot like me I don't tell things because I am scared people ill think less of me - He loves you and wants to be with you though rememebr that and we are all sad fuck ups somewhere along the line if a few white lies were that bad I don't think anyone would have happy marriages.

mieowscintillant · 02/04/2006 14:07

mistressmiggins 'like expat said, Peter needs to want it - noone else can give him the will power' This isn't MISDEE, but Misstee Misdee's Peter doesn't smoke anymore..

jellyjelly · 03/04/2006 08:24

This feels like i have written it. My dp had been lying for years about smoking until i had to tell him to stop lying as that what was bothering me not the smoking so much or that i would leave. We had to have counselling for this and other things. Things are alot better, he still smokes but doesnt hide it. I was worried that he could be hiding other things if he could lie over somthing so silly.

It was him lying rather than him smoking even though it is killing him. I finally managed to get that through to him after many rows and years.

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