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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the EX taking the michael?????????????

23 replies

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:09

Hi please could someone tell me whether I am feeling depressed/sad/duped for no reason.

The ex is taking the kids to scilly in the hols.

He rang me up to say that the will be taking them on the 8th(Saturday) until the 16th (the following Sunday)

He has just come to pick them up and he tells me that he wants to have the kids on Thurday night cos they have a 6.00 am flight on Friday.

I said to him I thought you were going on Sat. he is a good bullsr at the best of times and does pull the wool over peoples eyes to get his own way.

It's gonna be hard enough anyway to be without the kids but now for an extra 2 nights. It just seems to be a bit of a piss take and i suspect so he could get a cheaper flight.

I know the kids are gonna have a good time and everything but I dont know im probably just feeling awful cos im dreading them going away.

he also takes the mick with child maintenace payments and he gives me what he feels i deserve as opposed to what he should give by law (however, this i suppose is by the by)

OP posts:

schnapps · 02/04/2006 10:13

If it makes things simpler for him to have the kids on the thursday night then I'd let them go. Is it really so awful for him to want a cheaper flight?

Sorry if I've misunderstood

sanchpanch · 02/04/2006 10:17

Dont get me started on maintenance - see my thread in lone parents, ex dropped mine by £100 on friday, and i am still feeling sick about that

It will be hard on you to let them go for taht time, try and arrange something for yourself,

Does he let you alter arrangements if necessary say if the kids have a party when he is supposed to se them,

I have never asked for arrangements to be changed, (its been 9 months) but he has, he couldnt do weekend before xmas cause he was going away, (told me day before) and couldnt do new years again told me day before

Are you on good terms with ex?

Do you get payments through CSA, i fel that i will have to now but i hear such a mixed reaction about them.

Maybe you could say to him that it isnt an ideal arrangement but you are willing to do it for the children

heavenis · 02/04/2006 10:18

He doesn't seem to be taking the mick. I think as you mentioned it may well be because you are not looking forward to being without them.

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:18

No its not awful for him to have a cheaper flight.

He mis informed me and told me that he was going on sat and this morning it is now friday, although he wants them on thursday. So instead of taking the kids way for eight days it has rose to 10 days and It kills me being away fom them.

Its just the type of thing he does all of the time i just wish he was upfront with me in the beginning instead of filling me in with the truth right at the last minute

Do you see what I mean, sorry my head is allover the place at the mo.

Its like when we were together I question myself incessantly

OP posts:

DelGirl · 02/04/2006 10:20

It may 'kill' him just as much nikkinoo. Horrible for you though no doubt!

DelGirl · 02/04/2006 10:21

meaning, he's apart from them alot more.

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:23

SP yes were on good terms he loves his kids and spoils them financially. I obviously am gonna let the kids go that is not an issue. I mean the kids would not get a holiday this year if they did not go on this one.

I am very flexible and I just feel that i constantly get walked on because i am too trusting and he is a sly one who knows i am wide open to abuse.

I will be more cautious in future

OP posts:

schnapps · 02/04/2006 10:25

You're obviously uspet about the children being away from you, which is understandable but I think that seeing as the children are going on a great holiday that you said they'll have a good time on I think you should help your personal feelings aside and help the plans go as smoothly as possible for your your children

Try and concetrate on all the things you can do while the kids are away, that you wouldn't usually get to do

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:26

Delgirl, I let him see the kids alot at one point it was friday after school til sunday night. As he made me feel like such a shit for leaving him and put guilt trips on me. I as a result felt like a completely inadequate mother and even contemplated letting him have the kids alltogehter as I was such a failure.

OP posts:

schnapps · 02/04/2006 10:26

I meant PUT your feelings aside!

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:29

Youre all right of course I now that. I have got to let all personal issues aside and put on a brave face, i just really really miss them they are my life.

I just feel that i deal with all the day to day graft and its hard at times, but yes I have to pull myself together and just chill out

OP posts:

DelGirl · 02/04/2006 10:34

sorry, I wasn't having a go. It must be hard being apart from them. Just think what a great time they'll have. And like schnapps says, think of all the things you'll be able to do without them to consider.

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:42

Sorry delgirl i wasnt snapping its just that i know it must be hard for him but he does see the kids alot more than other men.

Its just a mixture i think of his deviousness re. the dates and the fact that Im missing the kids before they have even gone

Think im a bit hormonal at the mo!!!!

OP posts:

DelGirl · 02/04/2006 10:44

I didn't think you were . Can you book yourself in for a pampering of some sort?

Bugsy2 · 02/04/2006 10:47

Nikkinoo, two separate issues here.
The first one is that he has booked an early flight for Friday and will need the children on Thursday evening and not Saturday as you had previously thought. This is relatively straightforward, where he should have had the courtesy to tell you that the arrangements had changed and asked you if it would be ok. However, in his head he probably sees it as a big treat to take the kids away and what does the odd extra night matter.
The second issue is child maintenance. Why is he giving you what he feels like? Did you not get an agreement at the time of divorce? If he is breaking that agreement then you can take him to court.
Also, although there are two separate issues, it sounds as though he might be seeing you as a pushover in some way. I have had to be really tough with my ex-H and set very clear boundaries about our financial and access arrangements. As always with these things, it has been a long hard slog to do, but now that we are all absolutely clear about what is and is not acceptable - things are running much more smoothly and he doesn't take the p*ss anymore.

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:49

I will get out and about and go visiting thank you so much for your advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:56

bugsy, he is self employed and said he can just say that he earns about ten grand a year and i will end up with zero.

He bought me out of the house for next to nothing.

In jan he took his new family to china including boyfriens/girlfiebds of his older kids.

Evertime kids go round they are telling me what he gets last week it was a plasma screen tv. last moth it was a pedigree dog!!!

Whle i am struggling to pay for ballet lessons/beaver fees etc and all the other things that go hand in hand with children.

He even asked me to buy them their holiday clothes as he had none for them!!! I spent £300 last year, however i politely told him hed have to buy his own this year !!!!!!

Have got to get more backbone i realise this

OP posts:

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 10:59

\Sorry no agreements bugsy he told me he would get very dirty if i ever tried to take him to court re children/maintenace/access.

He seems to think and had me believe at the time that he would get the children and i would end up in jail for fraud!!! as he said he had forged my sig on companies house/vat docs

OP posts:

maltesers · 02/04/2006 12:13

He really sounds a bastard Nikkinoo and a control freak. Contact the C>S>A and try to sort out more maintenance payments. Ignore his spitefulness and rise above it . Try to enjoy the time shen the kids are away and do all those things you cannot do usually.

glitterfairy · 02/04/2006 12:33

Oh dear!

First I totally understand how you feel about the time the kids have with x it is really really hard not to feel jealous or worried that a) he treates them when you cant and you are the one who always has to tell them to do homework etc whilst he ahs all the fun and b) his house is better than yours so they will like it more.

It is so hard to remember that your kids will always know that it was you who brought them up and wiped their noses and cleared up their sick.

Helping them to enjoy this holiday will also be something they remember. How fair you were and how unfair their dad seemed.

My x is a manipulative shit who threatened (and still does) all kinds of things and physically and emotionally abused me). Most of the things he has threatened me wiht have not happened. these men are bullies and the only way to deal wiht them is to get tough and make sure any boundaries you set are rigorously applied. The courts haev really helped me as has my wonderful solicitor. We are still in the middle of it all but every time x over steps a boundary he gets a solicitors letter or the police.

In the end it sounds as though you need a good solicitor who will sort out access, contact issues and proper payments for you. I have foudn the CSA a complete and utter waste of time. My x says he cannot give a regular sum because he is self employed. I am pursuing him through the courts. Get some advice whilst he is away and you have the time to sort out a good solicitor. Make a note of when he breaks agreements and also what he pays you and also note what he has spent on himself.

Above all start valuing yourself and ensuring that you get what you and your children really deserve.

Original poster

Nikkinoo · 02/04/2006 15:07

thanks for the advice. Its just that im so glad to be away from him weve been split up (4.5) years now and have both moved on new families new babies etc. I just accept that at least i get something off him financially and he wants to see his children, where as i never knew my real dad.

Despite xs ego he is a good dad and dearly loves his children, but he uses money and wealth to show love and as i left him has punished me (i only left because he was having a rel with a flippin 20 y.o, amongst others)

Think a trip to an understanding solicitor is on the cards while i have some time on my hands

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 02/04/2006 15:39

Blimey Nikkinoo, what a bully. I'm with Glitterfairy on this. Mine used to bully me too. Threatened me with all sorts of stuff, but other than beat me up, I really couldn't see what he could do.
Sounds to me like he is shafting you badly. For what its worth, I'm self-employed and there is no way I could get away with just "deciding" what I'm going to earn. I have to submit a tax return & accounts & all that stuff. You have to keep paper records for 7 years as well.
I feel so angry for all the women who have to fight for their ex's to cough up for their kids, myself included. I'm lucky because ex-H is employed by a big PLC, so a detachment of earnings would be very straightforward. I'm also fairly financially savvy, so it is hard for him to try and deceive me & there is alot to be said for getting a good family lawyer too.
Big hugs to you Nikkinoo. Still think you should kick his ass though!

glitterfairy · 02/04/2006 16:10

HIya Nickinoo. 4.5 years and still unhappy about some stuff though unfinished business. I have been split up six months now and I want it all over with!

I have a friend who is dealing with solicitors after 8 years trying to be amicable. In the end it really is your decision but I feel that I had to get tough and for me getting tough will mean it is all over much much quicker with court orders and stuff in writing.

Maybe that will mean the kids have it rough now but settled much quicker too! here's hoping in any case and the best of luck.

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