Argument about going back to work

[Flosie1989]

Not sure if this should be here or in the going back to work section..maybe someone can let me know.

So I've just had a massive row with DP about going back to work. Tonight was supposed to be about 'us'. I cooked a nice meal etc etc. we started arguing during dinner and now I'm in bed crying and making my way through a bottle of red....

It started by me telling him my new ideas to start a very small business just as pocket money, he barely listened and announced "I've been thinking you should go back to work straight after Xmas" as I'm not due back until march I was kind of shocked especially as we will have enough money until march. I think he's jealous to be honest as he makes comments when he leaves for work etc. I don't think he realises that being a mum is a job too!

Anyway I said that there is no way I'm going back after Xmas. Firstly because I'm not due back until march and secondly I'm not ready to leave dd just yet. He thinks I'm being silly.

Then I dropped the bombshell that I don't think I ever want to go back...well...he went mad and said there's no question I'm going back. I said to him even if we're ok for money you'd still want me to go back for the sake of it and he said yes.

Basically (sorry for the essay) I don't want to go back to work I just want to carry on having kids. Now let me say it's not because I want all the governments money it's purely because this is what i know I should do for a job. Im enjoying being a mummy so much and I just really don't want to leave my baby to work for some s**tty company!

Am I being stupid?! To be honest it's touched a nerve :-(

If you don't need to go back to work in that you pay share with bills etc then don't go back, especially if you hate it. Childminders cost money. Sit down with him with a clear head and have a proper talk.

If you don't need to work outside the home and want to enjoy your DDs early years what's the problem with that? You're her mum!

See how you feel after Christmas about going back in March. This is your decision.

Bear in mind:

You're not married.
He doesn't want to spend time with his own daughter.
You're not dependent on him.

If he's this resentful and jealous of you and apparently doesn't think much of his baby daughter, please reconsider your plans to have more children with him.

He sounds vile.

How would you feel if he said he didn't want to work anymore

Being a SAHM, raising children and running a home is work. Just because it's unpaid doesn't mean it has no value.

Just remember how much it would cost to have a live in nanny/houskeeper. Outside London, £6-10 per hour. In London, £8-12 per hour. Plus tax and NI.

Overnight rates are around £12-15 per hour.

Sadly it first sound as if the op and her dp have been on the same page for a while wrt working/having children etc.

I'd suggest strongly any relationship issues are sorted out before thru have any more kids!

this isn't your sole decision.despite mn wisdom of woman can pack in work man suck it up
couples discuss,negotiate,compromise.you want to impose all financial responsibility on him?no wonder he flipped out
you two need to reach a compromise.he can't compel you back ft,but neither can you impose sole wage earning on him

you want to keep popping babies when he doesn't like dd
good grief,with a man who dislikes being dad
why?

How does she want to impose all financial responsibility on him when she has a guaranteed private income that will bring same as she does now ?

Good posts from olgaga.

currently two wages.op wants to not work.her p will be sole earner
I see she has source income,yes.but the external wage earning will fall solely p

tbh this isn't about work
they have other big significant issues to sort
seems to be mismatch.she wants to pop babies housewife,he wants an employed partner

The OP may have one million pounds sterling in a bank account earning
£30 000 interest a year; more than enough to be a SAHM and survive/contribute to bills: I agree that this is about more than just working/staying at home.

Good luck with the business.

Being a SAHM, raising children and running a home is work. Just because it's unpaid doesn't mean it has no value.

No one said that. The point is that in a couple its a joint decision. How about we rephrase the questions to how would you feel if he gave up employment?

No one even hinted being a sahm isn't work.

The OP may have one million pounds sterling in a bank account earning or she may not.

The point is if she is bring so vague with her do, no wonder he isn't happy. 'i am not going back to work and want to keep having babies, but I won't dicuss how I can promise the money won't change'

Especially as she said they saved enought money so she could stay at home until march. If she has 30,000 per year in interest, that is just spare she wouldn't have needed to save for mat leave

He doesn't like spending time with your dd.
You have enough money to manage without him.

Just leave and be a stay at home mum. Doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this at all.

My guess is this -

If the op is due back in March then her smp probably runs out around Christmas. Her DP is (rightly or wrongly) concerned that the drop in income will either put extra pressure on him or be unaffordable and therefore wants her to go back to work sooner.

In addition the op has a lump sum that she views as her own and not part of the family finances. This money has a monthly interest equivalent to smp but the op does not currently use this interest as income.

If the op gave up work she could use the interest as income once her smp stops and they wouldn't be any worse off than they are now.

Op I think you need to discuss with your DP whether your current level of income is sustainable in the long term. It does sound as if he is jealous but that is understandable particularly if you have money that isn't 'shared' but are expecting his salary to support you all.

It does sound as if he is jealous but that is understandable particularly if you have money that isn't 'shared' but are expecting his salary to support you all.

Well unusually in this case it sounds like OP has the greater personal assets. They are not married - so neither of them are under any obligations to share anything at all with each other.

The only financial obligation each of them has is to their child.

I wouldn't live with anyone who didn't like being with my child.

As Olgaga says, you're not obliged to share your personal assets with him. If you both keep your money separate at the moment and you support yourself, then I think it should be your decision as to how you spend your days.

Do you get a lot from this relationship? When you said he didn't like spending time with your DD, I hated him on your behalf!

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay at home but you both need to be in agreement as in my experience it can lead to an imbalance.

I have been a SAHM financially reliant on DH when he was resentful of me not working and its not a good place to be. I now work full time and have my own savings as a result. However it sounds like you are financially independent which is totally different. Good luck as its a tricky one.