oh said that he wanted to push a glass into my face

[ivenamechangedforthisone]

This happened about 18 months ago. We were arguing (about something minor) and he got really cross, picked up a glass (we were sitting next to one another on the sofa) and said that he wanted to smash it and shove it into my face.

He didn't, and has never been obviously violent (has slapped my hand away from something twice, occasionally pushes me but not hard).

I don't know how normal or unusual this is.

He said that he didn't know why he said it - just that he was really angry at the time.

This was 18 months ago but I keep thinking about it.

Of course it's a threat.

"this is what I want to do to you when I'm angry. You don't want o make me angry because next time I may do it and don't push me too much right now"

It's not one significant episode 18 months ago.
It prays of course in the OP's head and it was meant to. To keep her afraid of him.
The hand slapping shows lack of respect, as the shoving away.
And his screaming is intimidating.

The next significant event may be a long way away, but god knows how it will end...

Cronnull - I'd appreciate it if you could link the thread actually because I'm not sure it could be said to be a male/female issue when the circumstances could be massively different. I'd like to judge for myself.

Also, I have only regretted ever always giving ex the benefit of the doubt.
I haven't ever regretted leaving.

And he didn't beat me to a pulp or punched my face.
It doesn't have to be that bad.

Just for clarification...

The above post does not encourage people to LTB.

It is perfectly possibly to scroll past my post in a flash if you don't like it and don't want to read it. I put it together simply because I felt it would be useful to have all the salient advice and links together in one place.

I can't be on MN all the time. I post it on the threads I see where my interpretation of the OP's situation indicates that they may find the practical information useful in coming to an informed decision as to what their best course of action might be.

In this case the OP indicated (at Wed 07-Nov-12 23:47:46) that she is concerned that abusive behaviour is escalating.

I also post it in response to PMs I receive from other Mumsnetters who have asked me to post it on particular threads. I a separate email account which I can send to people via PMs, from which I can send it directly to anyone who requests it as an email attachment.

I have also put together a similar post in relation to arrangements for children. Unfortunately this caused so much controversy that I now PM those I feel might benefit from it - and if they want it, I send it as an email attachment.

OP - PM me and I can send you that information.

Olgaga, keep posting it.

Mn is not there for people's entertainment.

the dc love him because he is the only father they know.

however try asking them through role play /using dolls teddies or ask them to draw a picture of dadddy - exactly how they feel when they see and hear him shouting.

it might be revealing.
do you all walk on tiptoes around him to try and avoid his angry outbursts?

has he said he is stressed/been to GP to seek help/talked to his work about it ?

It's neither normal nor usual for a partner who is meant to love you to threaten to push broken glass in your face. It's more normal for someone who hates you to do that. Anger is normal & disagreements are normal but again, in a loving relationship, anger can be resolved without resorting to threatening behaviour, physical restraint, aggression, pushing or verbal abuse etc.

If you're wondering if it's normal or reasonable it suggests that your parameters for acceptable behaviour have shifted away from other people's. If you have been subjected to gradually worsening abusive behaviour - which always starts low but tends to escalate - you can find you are questioning your own judgment.

This was 18 months ago. So be very alert to any examples of controlling or bullying behaviour. Be conscious of your own behaviour as well. Do you feel comfortable that you can do or say anything you like with this person, or do you modify your own actions rather than risk an outburst? Do you ever tell DCs not to do X, Y, or Z because it'll 'upset Daddy'? Is this person pleasant and considerate most of the time, or just when getting their own way?

A little while ago a DW threatened, at a party, in a low, deliberate hiss, to stab her DH in the eye. General MN consensus was supportive, and yet, see the gender reverse and the OP is being encouraged and guided to LTB.

I take your point but I think that it is different. The bottom line is that in most cases a man can defend himself from a woman far more easily than a woman can from a man. My oh could quite easily (from a purely physical point of view) kill me. Equally he could quite easily prevent me from hurting him, even (I suspect) if I had some kind of weapon and he didn't.

How long have you been together?

nearly 20 years. He has always had a really bad temper and has always lost it with me. The outbursts are getting far more frequent though.

The big change (2 years ago) was that I went back to work PT. I'm now FT. It is this which appears to be making things worse as he has to help more around the house (he refuses to get help in) and this makes him crosser. His job is v stressful but in many ways he makes it so - ie he takes on more than he needs to etc. He is often calm and rational between rows but any mention of his crossness, suggestion that he is stressed etc causes him to lose his temper and/or walk off and refuse to discuss anything.

He's a bully. He has used and is increasingly using his bad temper as a way to control your behaviour. He's gambling that, in an effort to keep him pleasant, you'll do more of the housework or go back to a PT job or whatever it is that he thinks ought to happen. Rows, sulking, walking off, refusing to discuss ... it's all pretty typical of an emotional bully that would create a powderkeg atmosphere where they have control rather than make concessions or admit they are in the wrong.

When it escalates to pushing, slapping and threats with broken glass it becomes physical abuse... but again he's gambling that you'll stick around, treat it as a one-off, nothing serious and excuse it with 'stress'. Net effect is that you're now unsure whether this is normal behaviour.... whereas most normal people would say the rows, sulking and walking off antics on their own were totally out of order - and threats with bottles crossed a line.

Net effect is that you're now unsure whether this is normal behaviour.... I guess that the hard thing is that I feel responsible - I feel that if I gave up work, became a Stepford-type wife, then it would all be fine. I also feel that I'm being abad mother either way - ie damned if I stay and damned if I go.

Trust me, even if you were at his total mercy, unable to leave the house, he'd still escalate...

Trust me. I've got the T-shirt, if you wanna borrow it?

Please honey, the threat was real, he could still kill you.

Believe me, if you go, you are not damned, you'll be free, and i promise you you'll be the happiest, the healthiest you've ever been in your life.

My hand is here to hold yours, we'll help you find your path, your way through this.

You have only one option. You have to get away from him.

Out here its the best thing ever, leaving is not the impossible thing, staying in that dreadful existence, that non-life is.

Anyone who has ever been abused knows that feeling of responsibility and guilt. When you are free of it, you look back and think "How the hell did I get to that point?"

Remind yourself that nothing you have ever done or not done can justify this behaviour, and you are not responsible for the way other people act.

" I feel that if I gave up work, became a Stepford-type wife, then it would all be fine."

People who use emotional blackmail, verbal abuse and other methods to crush your spirit make it so that things are only 'fine' when they are getting 100% their own way. They're quite happy... even pleasant ... when they have succeeded making themselves unquestioned lord and master with everyone frightened to challenge them. So you could easily find that if you went the Stepford wife route things would improve for a while..... but you'd end up hating yourself and that's when things like alcohol and pills start to look attractive. I know one or two people like that unfortunately, and it's very sad.

If you did end up splitting from your husband it wouldn't make you a bad mother. It would make you an independent woman.

op, I felt the same.thought about pushing every ounce of my spirit down to be a submissive wife to maintain the status quo, but when you have spirit you know that will never really work.and its the worst example to show DC.
my boys still think their Dad is great, but I protect them by not being with him, him not living with us.they can have their candy coated image of their Dad for a couple of hours of contact a week..its good for their self esteem as they are half of him. the best your dcs can see and live with is a happy mum.of course the glass incident was totally not ok, but there is a growing sense with you, as with me, that things are not ok.follow your head.I followed my heart and guilt for too long.here for support, its hard. hugs.

cross posted with cogito.spot on.while I started to juggle every impossible ball, my alcohol use crept up.am dealing with that now too.say no to any stepford wives ideas!

cross posted with cogito.spot on.while I started to juggle every impossible ball, my alcohol use crept up.am dealing with that now too.say no to any stepford wives ideas!

cronullansw given that it is individuals replying to threads, not a MN collective, I'm not sure what your point is.

OP, yes of course this is escalating. How far do you let it go?

Agree with Cogito.

How will you explain to your kids why you stayed if it gets worse?

He has always had a really bad temper and has always lost it with me

Even if you were submissive and a stepford wife he'd take it out on you.
And why would you make yourself dependent on him, so that you could be left with no job if he dumped you?