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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am sitting here in in tears...

25 replies

shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 22:38

because i haven't got a clue what the hell is going on with my so called relationship dp is being such an arsehole.

We have been having alot of problems lately and i just can't see a way to get through it we don't talk to eachother anymore we don't have sex like we used to and when we do it does'nt feel special.
He is always lying to me about everything he does last weekend he went out told me didn't while i am sitting at home waiting for him then posts pics on his blackberry so when i ask him he lied right to my face i am sic and tired of it i know it sounds stupid but i still love him.

So after all of the crap we had over the weekend i told him i want to sit down and try and sort things out i messeged him all day yesterday and he ignored me then about 12am told me he would c me today i i havent heard from him and he is ignoring me again i don't understand what i have done for him to be like this with me i know that i can say some nasty things when i'm angry but this is just horrible i don't know where he is or where he is staying so i am now sitting here crying with nothing elese i can do.

please some words of advice would help.

sorry if some of this makes no sense.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 07/11/2012 22:41

Stop making yourself available to him, find something else to do other than sit waiting for him, and see if you really miss him (and if he misses you)?

Easier said than done, I know...

ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 07/11/2012 22:41

shattered can you give us some background? Do you live together? And do you have any dcs together?

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 22:44

germs i am trying really hard not to pic up the phone.

imperial yes we do live toghether but he does have a room of his own and sometimes stays at his mums and yes we have two dcs.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 07/11/2012 22:51

Put the phone down!

You are right that you two need to have a proper talk about what us going on, but you both need to be ready for it. He doesn't sound ready

But he doesn't have a choice about mucking his children around (presumably they don't know from day to day whether dad will be there when when they wake up??), and he needs to take this responsibility seriously

Makeminealarge · 07/11/2012 22:56

I'm sorry ur upset Sad but think you know yourself that the relationship has reached breaking point. He seems to put his needs first with little or no recognition of your feelings etc. never mind that of your dc! Harsh to say I know but sitting wallowing at home whilst he meanders wherever he feels like it gives him the upper hand in how this relationship works- in other words he knows your always going to be home no matter what he gets upto. Take control, decide for yourself what you and the doc deserve.

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 22:56

the phone is down!

that is who i feel sorry for the dcs the last sentence your wrote is what i have said to him a hundred times over and its heartbreaking for me to hear them asking for him i just don't know what i can do!

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 07/11/2012 22:58

Ask him to move out temporarily but commit to coming round on fixed days to see hem, ie give them some structure and routine? (how old are DC, BTW?)

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 22:59

I know deep down its over but as i don't really have any alot of family or friends close that is what i do sit at home i rarely go out or have time for myself as he is just not helpful at all and always lets me down.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 07/11/2012 22:59

"to see them"

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 23:02

I have tried that before germs and he does'nt stick to it i think that is all i am really intrested in sorting out access for dcs sake because i know were over.
dcs are 2&3

OP posts:
ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 07/11/2012 23:03

Germs has put it so much better than I can.

He's being rather cowardly, it looks like your relationship has run out of steam, but he's leaving you dangling. And it's not fair on you, or the dcs.

If he will not respond to your requests to talk about the future, you may need to take action to get him out of the house. There are others better qualified than me to talk about that and I hope some of them will come along soon.

Mean while, stay strong, keep away from the phone!

ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 07/11/2012 23:04

goodness loads of xposts!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/11/2012 23:08

that is who i feel sorry for the dcs the last sentence your wrote is what i have said to him a hundred times over

The person you should be saying that sentence to is yourself, not him.

You and the DC deserve better, shattered.
He's not giving it to you.
He's not going to, I'm sorry.

You deserve better, and you're not going to get it with him.

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 23:11

well i have packed up the rest of his things and left them by the front door so if and when he comes back he will be going straight back out and like you saidimperialhim acting the way he does is not healthy for me or dcs i did ask him yesterday if he wanted to be with me and he just point blank ignored me its heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 23:16

We do deserve better and i know he's not going to give it to us.

OP posts:
drizzlecake · 07/11/2012 23:22

If you put his things outside the door it would make your wishes clearer.

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 23:30

drizzle that just made me chuckle but i really don't think that will help the situation.

OP posts:
ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 07/11/2012 23:33

Well done shattered hope you get some sleep now. Goodnight xx

Original poster
shatteredheart · 07/11/2012 23:36

thank you i will try x

OP posts:
aufaniae · 07/11/2012 23:40

"You deserve better, and you're not going to get it with him."

^^ this.

Well done for being strong today. :)

whethergirl · 07/11/2012 23:42

You've done the right thing shattereheart. I know it's painful but you are well aware that you and your dc are not being treated decently by him, and I'm afraid people like him don't change. Not that he is showing any signs of wanting to.

Honestly, one day you'll look back on all this and breathe a huge sigh of relief that you don't have to go through this waiting around and wondering where he is crap.

Marley3 · 08/11/2012 00:01

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I have been in a similar situation lately. My partner and I split up over a month ago and he moved out. We did get back together but are not living together at the minute. It is a bit better now but I can sympathize a lot with you saying about him ignoring you. When we split up he ignored me and all I could think about was contacting him. I sometimes wonder why it seems to be easier for them to cut contact! And how they can not get in contact about the children. I am still unsure about what is going to happen in my relationship and am finding it lonely when he is not down staying (which is usually at weekends) as I was used living with him for years and feel a bit like a lone parent now. I can say that I have found that it does get easier and you begin to get into your own routine, and I feel that I have more control now. When we split I was left waiting for him to be free to talk and to see if he would even respond to texts etc. Maybe the best thing would be for your partner to move out and for you to have your own daily routine that doesn't involve him as much. It must be frustrating that he won't listen or sit down to talk, but you showing your own independence may be the shove that he needs. Its not fair that he gets to be the one in control. I no its hard but try not to contact him, be strong and try to regain your confidence and have the ball in your court!

Original poster
shatteredheart · 08/11/2012 07:53

marly most of what you wrote is how I feel right now he is not here most weekends and only comes in late at night after being with friends all day its very hard not to contact him and your right how can it be so easy for them not even call to ask about dcs it would kill me not to know how they were! And like I said upthread he has got a room so will be staying there I am completely ok with being a lone parent but I just want to know where I stand. Oh and can I just say I thought you were him replying as your nn is what I call him.

OP posts:
Original poster
shatteredheart · 08/11/2012 07:53

marly most of what you wrote is how I feel right now he is not here most weekends and only comes in late at night after being with friends all day its very hard not to contact him and your right how can it be so easy for them not even call to ask about dcs it would kill me not to know how they were! And like I said upthread he has got a room so will be staying there I am completely ok with being a lone parent but I just want to know where I stand. Oh and can I just say I thought you were him replying as your nn is what I call him.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 08/11/2012 22:17

How are you tonight, shatteredheart?

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