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Original poster

The surname of my unborn child......help needed

55 replies

Hormonalhell · 07/11/2012 16:15

Thought I would post on here for advice really....I am 7 months pregnant due in January, the father of my child is absent due to the fact it was a brief relationship we split up, I found I was pregnant, he wanted me to abort but I refused.

I am separated from my ex husband (not the father of my baby but father of my two DC) I still have his name and so thought I would give the baby the same name as him

My Mum however thinks this is wrong giving the baby my ex hubby name as he has been very hostile about my pregnancy etc and because the baby is not his she thinks the baby should have my maiden name and i should revert back to using my maiden name.

I just want the baby to be the same as me and my children but also am not completely happy with him having my ex name also.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MissPants · 08/11/2012 08:48

When I was born my mother was still using the name of her ExH. So although I was registered in my father's name my hospital bands and records still say 'baby girl ExHName' who I have never met. It's odd. It really bothered me as a child and confused me, especially when I ended up at school with the mans daughter who obviously shared his surname.

It doesn't bother me now, but I suspect it would if he had fathered my siblings and they had contact etc. I would really think hard about how your baby will feel when they get older.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/11/2012 08:57

When I married I changed my name to match my husband's, as a signal to the world that we were a family. I prefer it to my maiden name and cba to change back anyway. Had I had another baby after we divorced it would have had my surname because it's my surname now, never mind what it used to be, I legally changed it. Doesn't matter that some bloke I used to be married to also has it. That's the way I look at it, but you can play it how you like. It's a good thing we have choices.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 08/11/2012 08:58

Not necessarily getting back with Ex, but I wondered if you maybe hoped that your Ex would become a father figure to your unborn child.

I totally agree with MissPants post, the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.

But ultimately it is your decision. You decide what's best for your child.

MrsJellybye · 08/11/2012 09:06

HormonalHell I've only just seen your post but I'm in such a similar position.

I'm divorced from XH but I and DD1 both have his surname. Despite my loathing for XH, I won't be returning to my maiden name as (a) I've had the married surname a long time, and (b) I don't want to have a different surname from DD1.

I'm now pregnant with DD2 after a short relationship that I do not think is going to lead anywhere. I've got no idea what role the father of DD2 is going to play in her life, so it seems very weird to give her his surname. At this stage, he's probably not even going to go onto the birth certificate.

So it seems to me that the best approach is for me to give DD2 the same surname as me and DD1. It's a weird outcome, but the things that are important to me are (a) that both girls feel "the same" - I really don't want them to have different names from each other or for either of them to have a different name from me, and (b) that we can travel together as a clear family group e.g. on flights etc, which we will do a lot because all my family live abroad.

Like you, there is NO WAY my XH would give me permission to change DD1's surname to double-barrel. He would delight in refusing.

And like your XH, mine is also hostile to my pregnancy (I've posted about him before, but it's taken me 3 years to divorce him, he was emotionally abusive during our marriage and reached new heights (lows?) after I left him). So it's very counter-intuitive to bestow his name on a new and totally unrelated child, but that's what I've decided to do. Smile

MrsJellybye · 08/11/2012 09:09

ps. I'm also due in January - congratulations!

Blu · 08/11/2012 09:32

"When I remarry, if I do, then I would change the baby's name to my married name."

why?

In this case, why are you worrying about surnames at all? Are they just temporary labels of convenience to be swapped? Why would you change the baby's name to a new man's surname when that man was not the one to name the baby at birth?

And given yours and others' experuience of these men refusing to allow double-barrelling (do they have that right or poewr, i wionder?) I wonder why so many women put theirs and their children's names in the hands of men / fathers.

DS has a hyphenated name, Dp'sname-myname. That reflects who he is, and it is his name, not to be tinkered with or chaged depending on my relationships etc.

MrsJellybye · 08/11/2012 09:39

Re a father's consent to changing children's names (including surnames), it is a legal right - certainly in my circumstances, and from her post, the OP's as well.

If someone has Parental Responsibility (which fathers automatically do for children born in England/Wales within a marriage) then their consent is needed to change a name. Divorce does not change this.

The fairly convoluted situations that might ensue from that are not necessarily in contemplation at the time someone gets married.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 08/11/2012 13:13

Miss Jelly wow, how alike are we? Having our babies in same month too spooky! !! Smile Where do you live? I'm in Leeds. Your reasons are exactly the same as mine and I've decided now thats what my baby is going to have, the same surname I am using (regardless of where it came from), it is after all just a name.

Goat no I do have a boyfriend noway., he accepts the situation and although things are going really well I don't expect him to become the 'father figure', he wants to be with me at the birth cos he cares for me and so he can be involved as he wants to be. I decided to do this with or without a man anyway when I refused to abort an innocent child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalhell · 08/11/2012 13:15

now anyway I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalhell · 08/11/2012 13:17

Blu I see what you are saying but your DP I am assuming is the father of your child and you are obviously together. I would not give my baby his natural father's name, he doesn't deserve that privilege!

OP posts:
Blu · 08/11/2012 13:25

Oh, I can see why you wouldn't give the baby the name of an absent father.

It's tricky once you are already in a difficult situation, which is why in general i am surprised more women don't keep their own name and give that name to the childen - since they are the ones who usually keep the children with them as a family unit.

I am with DS's father, yes - but never considered giving him only DP's surname. Had DP been anti a hyphenated surname he could have chosen to adopt my surname!

bakerbakerfairycaker · 08/11/2012 13:33

My best friend in school was a little bit like your situation OP,

She had 2 siblings with their (divorced) dads name. She also had their dads name so she matched her siblings.

She despised it and changed her name to her mums maiden name as soon as she could (I think she was about 12).

She ended up getting bullied as the fact she didn't know who her dad was came out . It was all very sad. She is fine and sucessful now.

Her mum remarried and had more children, all with the new dads name obv.

My friend hated her 'dad' tho, because of the way he treated her mum, so wanting to change names was understandable for her.

Just thought I would add my only experience of this, HTH.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 08/11/2012 13:43

Yes Blu in hindsight I should never have married Grin and my children and myself would have had my maiden name, although to be honest its not the best name in the world I my children do comment how they are glad they dont have my maiden name and like the one they have as its nice and common.

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 08/11/2012 13:46

I'm not comfortable with the idea of using your XH's name for a child who has nothing to do with him. If I was the child I'd feel weird about that. In your situation I would use my maiden name, and change my name back also. That's just my view though, and you should really do what you are most comfortable with yourself.

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 14:05

what a dilemma!
did you get any legal advice on this, it would a good starting point to find out what is within your rights. double barrel name as mentioned above might be tricky...
Also don't forget that your baby when grown up might want to contact his biological father or his extended family, so even if you don't name him that surname it should be on the birth certificate, shouldn't it?

can you give your maiden name to all of 4 you? then stick with it and if you remarry your new husband can change his name to that. who cares? unless if he has kids already. then what? maybe you should marry someone who already has the same surname... sorry I got carried away, being silly, I don't want to make fun of you! sorry, sorry, it is really complicated, but you knew that already! Smile

or go nuts and just choose a brand new name for everyone?

what do the kids think?

I think it's sweet you want baby to be the same as all of you, but honesty is better in the long run, he/she will learn about the different fathers of your children eventually anyway, so please don't give ex's name, that's worse than any other options on so many level!

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 14:09

sorry I meant him/her or he/she - I had 5 boys then a girl, so I call her him most of the time as I'm so used to it!

Inebriatededna · 08/11/2012 14:44

I was in exactly your position and gave my daughter the same surname as myself and her brothers ie my exH surname ,that was 19 years ago and I still think it was the right thing to do .

MrsJellybye · 08/11/2012 14:49

The legal position on changing the names of children for whom a father has Parental Responsibility are really clear - and are here

If the parents were married when the children were born then their father must consent to any change.

If the parents were not married, then the position is different - but the OP was married to their father when they were born, from what I understand. So without his consent, her hands are legally tied.

In terms of a child born outside of marriage, the biological father can only be included on the birth certificate if he agrees to jointly register the birth with the mother, as set out here The mother can't unilaterally include him. (The BC can obviously be amended if the situation changes and the father can also get a court order to be added if he successfully applies to do so.)

So within those parameters, the decisions are emotional/philosophical ones and I think the OP just has to go with what she feels comfortable with. No matter what names the children have there will always need to be a discussion at the right time about the fact that there are different fathers involved (and that the respective fathers may have very different roles in the lives of the children).

It's a really complicated situation - no doubt about it.

MrsJellybye · 08/11/2012 14:55

Sorry - I posted the wrong link on including a non-married biological father on a BC. The right link is here Essentially, you either have to go together or the father has to give a stat dec of parentage which the mother then takes to the registry.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom · 08/11/2012 14:57

actually, my friend had the same situation.

she's now married to someone else, and she still has her xh's name - because it's her name.
she kept it because her 2 children had that name, and she's had 3 children with the new H, and they've got doublebarrelled names, so even though they have no connection with the xh, all three fo them have the same name as him.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 09/11/2012 10:55

wow nickelrocket thats even weirder than my situation!! Grin

Mrs Jelly thanks for the link was very informative for me. The baby's father has no interest in his child so I doubt he will be jumping over fences to go register the birth with me Hmm

When the time comes I will explain to the baby the situation and will not try to dissuade him from contacting his real father should he want to. To be honest I wish HE WAS interested as I would like him to have a relationship with his father. Who knows he may change once baby comes along although I doubt that.

OP posts:
catsrus · 09/11/2012 12:42

double barrel YOUR name with your maiden name and married name, then give the new baby the maiden name. You are then the 'link' between the siblings. No confusion with schools, doctors etc. Once they are all adult you can drop the married name bit if you want (or sooner if you choose to do so). I know someone who did that to 'ease' the transition to her maiden name after divorce, she only kept the double barelled for a couple of years - after than no-one could remember which name had been which!

this is another reason why women should keep their own name and children take the mother's name

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/11/2012 12:51

Just my tuppence worth, but IMO the OP is giving the baby her surname because it is now the surname she is using. Not because she is trying to name her xh as the father. There is a big difference.

Im not in England and dont know the difference in other countries. Is the OP not simply giving the baby HER surname (which it is now) and not naming XH as father.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom · 09/11/2012 14:45

cats has a good suggestion there.
you need noone's permission to change your name, and the link is obvious.
:)

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 10/11/2012 17:53

Exactly Anothermum I quite like my surname its a lot better than my maiden name and I just want me and the kids to be all the same plus its just a lot easier to keep the names the same.

OP posts: