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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know how to get out of this rut

16 replies

Noriesmum · 01/04/2006 10:43

Dont really know where to start but i know that i need some help.

When i met my dh we had a fairly healthy sex life. After a few years it started to slow down - down to me. Got married a couple of years ago and fell pg the following month. All throughout pg i didnt have any urges to be intimate with dh. HE accepted this and was very understanding about it. Since the birth almost a year ago i can count on 1 hand how many times we have been intimate. I just seem to have lost interest - I do still love my dh so much, I want to et it bk to how it was and dont know how to.

I cant really speak to any of my friends in rl about it and just wondered if anyone had any similar experiences or advice.

OP posts:

nicolajc · 01/04/2006 11:06

hiya nories mom i my self have a low sex drive been to the doctors about it and wanted me to get counselling there is noway i would.

so i took things into my own hands never really admitted to dh that i have a low sex drive and blame it on other things like i suffer from reacurring thrush, but i knew like you for the sake of my relationship i had to do some thing have you tried any sex toys to spice some things up at all?

How about forplay?

Have you got any fantasies?

are you able to climax?

sorry if its a bit embarassing for you but all these things have helped me yes we do have a sex life now but not just as much as others!

Chattyhan · 01/04/2006 11:11

My situation is not the same but wanted to say i understand how difficult this can be. my dp did not want sex during pg, which made me feel unloved and really knocked my confidence. when i finally persuaded him that i had a bleed and sex was banned. i could tell he was relieved which made me feel even worse. We resumed sex about 2 months after birth and it was strange at first but i felt more comfortable about my body. i assume many people do after birth and our sex life now ds 16m is better than ever.

The only advice i can offer is maybe your dh felt isolated during the pregnancy like i did? i think its probably just that you're out of the habit and due to life as a mother it's normally the last thing on your mind. i'm sure many will agree. i don't think it's the end of your sex life! lol
is your dh interested in sex?

Ulysees · 01/04/2006 11:17

sorry to hear this NM. My situation is the other way round,dh isn't interested. He's always had a low libido but not it's nil After 16 years together I'm bailing out.

I'm sure your situation will improve though once your hormones/tiredness get back to normal. At least you want help, my dh can't be bothered.

nicolajc · 01/04/2006 11:19

here is some internet sites that you can order from off line to save the embarassment of going into a shop some of the things can be a bit distastefull but they also do fun sex toys and clothing take a look
\link{http://www.annsummers.com/\annsummers}
\link{http://www.pabo.com\pabo}
and
\link{http://www.whollylove.co.uk\whollylove}
hope thats some help for you

Ulysees · 01/04/2006 11:23

Don't want to totally lower the tone but my mate swears by the lipstick from Anne summers.

Ulysees · 01/04/2006 11:27

in fact just clicked on their link and ordered it courtesy of dh's debit card

Original poster

Noriesmum · 01/04/2006 19:06

THanks for all the messages.

When we are intimate, it is great, and afterwards i think to myself why dont we do this more often, but i can either take itor leave it. It seems to be that the longer i leave it the harder it gets for me want to do it. I get really embarrassed for some bizarre reason and in the end just opt for going to sleep and forgetting about it.

We went shopping today and i bought some really pretty/sexy pj's and even ventured into ann summers and found a set of underwear i liked, but they didnt have it in my size.

I cant explain why it doesnt interest me, even though i do enjoy it!

Going to have to bite the bullet i guess. If not then i had thought about going to the doctors, but i would just die of emmbarrassment!

OP posts:

Ulysees · 01/04/2006 19:44

Glad to hear you had some success shopping

Please don't be embarassed, it sounds to me as if the baby has a lot to do with it. Is it your first? I know I was shell shocked for about a year after my first but then again he cried lots and hardly slept

You're trying to help the situation so I'm sure your dh is very appreciative of that. I know I would've been if my dh had made some effort. Too little too late for him though.

You take care of yourself and try not to dwell too much as that won't help. relax and enjoy each other. Maybe try not to concentrate too much on the intercourse bit. try some massage or stroking even if it's just for 5 or 10 mins then work up to other stuff but leave intercourse for a later stage. Once you start getting intimate without pressure you may be keener.

Original poster

Noriesmum · 01/04/2006 23:05

Thanks Ulysees, yes it was my first baby and he was a very bad sleeper. He has only just started to go through and is 1 in 3wks.

I think it has done me to good to get my feelings out in the open - well in MN world - hopefully i can start to relax and see how it goes.
Thank you x

OP posts:

nicolajc · 02/04/2006 09:57

any look with the sexy pj's last night?
why not order the under wear of the web of annsummers and get your self some other naughty stuff as well!!!!!!!!!

Ulysees · 02/04/2006 11:44

How are you feeling NM? Glad it's helped getting it all out in the open. I opened up about my troubles to close family and a couple of friends and a weight was lifted. Plus telling mners helps too.

take care xx

nicolajc · 02/04/2006 12:11

hello again i have been thinking and came up with a good idea for you me and my dp do this when we get the chance!
sit down with your partner and explain the way you are feeling and say you want to be able to have physical contact with out the pressure of it turning into sex.
in woolworths in the girly accesories section they sell for £5 a set of 3 plastic pink roses that float in the bath and light up we got a set a couple of weeks ago they look ok in the packet but when in the bath look beautifull.
then choose some nice relaxing music run a nice bath get some drinks and have a bath together i really enjoy it as you are having nice physical contact but without it turning into something sexual. it just takes the pressure of you.
my dp loves it as he knows im not allways in the mood for sex but he is still able to have physical contact with me it also reasures him by showing him that i do love him and want to be intamate with him.

as we all know how difficult men can be if you say you arent in the mood they take it personallly as if you dont find them attractive and then they start asking you if you still love them! I just find it a good compromise and thought it might suit you and if you do feel like it you can allways take up a gear

yomellamoHelly · 02/04/2006 12:19

Is there any way you can get away for a break and either leave your dc at home or persuade parents/in-laws to come and share the childcare. I feel that if you can grab some quality time together each day that you're away, you'll break the ice and give yourself the chance to carry on differently when you get back.

Original poster

Noriesmum · 02/04/2006 19:18

hi, we had a lovely evening. Took the time to watch a film and spend some quality time together. Wore pj's - dh thought were great when i tried them on earlier in the day - but dh was knackered after a busy week, so we just feel asleep with him cuddling me. Hopefully we can build from this :)

He does know that i sometimes feel under pressure and is very good about it, but i dont want him to lose his patience with me.

It has been a weightlifted being able to talk to you lovely ladies, so thank you x

OP posts:

anorak · 02/04/2006 19:22

A lot of it is just pure tiredness when you have a young child or children. Your drive will come back, especially if you keep encouraging it .

We get very tired at night so we find Saturday and Sunday mornings a good time.

epona · 03/04/2006 00:26

I sympathise Noriesmum. We hardly ever make love. Our dd is 18mth old. Have to say though sex life was slowing down before I got pregnant. While I was pg I was horny but dh was too scared. Since then seems like there's rarely a time we both feel like it at same time and have oppportunity. Since becoming a mum I definitely don't feel sexy any more- not sure if that's due to breastfeeding- still doing it. I do still get the urge but often the spirit is willing but the body's too knackered. Sounds like being intimate without pressure is a good idea. Perhaps me & dh should do same, we're not getting on well. I think it's fairly normal to go off sex for a while after having a baby- probably nature's contraceptive? Some of my friends have felt the same. Can lead to tension, but if you can spend quality time together being loving in other ways, and he understands it's not rejection, then that keeps the love alive. That's probably where I've gone wrong-so wrapped up in being a mum- I've almost forgotten how to relax and have fun. Good luck.

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