Emotional infidelity

[Ellington]

I've been married for 16 years & have 3 DC's (12, 10 & 5) the youngest if whom has special needs. I live my husband, but our marriage is stale. Not sure i was ever in love with him really. I've recently reconnected with an old friend after 20 years. We slept together once back then. We're now messaging each other every day. I knew he had a massive crush on me but he's told me he was in love with me back then. I've been absolutely floored by the strength of my feelings towards him. It's not as if either of us are lookers now, but I feel such an emotional connection. He's married with no kids. He lives 200 miles away so it's really not likely this will go any further, but I realise most people would consider this cheating anyway. Can't eat or sleep for thinking about him & i feel sick all the time. DH is beginning to notice something's wrong. Anyone else been in this situation?

OP been back after last night has she ? I see not.

She's had her emotional wank on this thread, and off she goes to wreck her own life because she "can't help it". Get a fucking grip, love.

My guess is that the OP will report this to MNHQ asking them to remove as she may be identified.

Just like the woman who asked her dh for a poly relationship did the other day.

Or possibly just return every 2 weeks or so to play the 'poor me' card.

When people start to invest their emotions elsewhere, their marriage suffers, I think that this is an over simplification - from what op said it seems that the marriage was already in a mess.

I think that emotions need to go somewhere. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not seem to love you then it is hard to live in an emotional vacuum.

"If you are in a relationship with someone who does not seem to love you then it is hard to live in an emotional vacuum"

But putting them into a clandestine emotional affair is unlikely to improve anything, and will probably make things worse (if, for example, a message is read or overheard).

I agree that it will not improve anything - I'm just saying that I do not think that it is always deliberate. I think that most humans are designed to love someone, to have an emotional life. If you end up in a relationship with someone who will not do this - ie someone who seems uninterested in the emotional side of things but seems to see the relationship as a practical thing - then you can feel very desperate to talk to someone. I know that EAs can destroy emotional intimacy in marriages but what about marriages where one partner is (genuinely) not interested in emotional intimacy? What about people who are with someone who does not want to know about their day and just say that they would rather watch TV (but will not leave or agree to a separation as the relationship is convenient for them)?

I guess that I have answered my own question in that you should leave them BUT this isn't that easy. I have a friend who has (almost) left her git of a oh after well over 2 years of trying. He would not speak to her about anything other than practicalities but also would not leave or agree to a divorce or discuss anything as he said that he was perfectly happy.

It takes two to have an (emotionally) intimate relationship and I think that most people (women more than men) need intimacy in their lives.

The OP has said that her marriage is 'stale', that she loves her husband but doesn't feel as though she is in love with him. This is something that a huge percentage of long-married couples will go through at some point in their relationships.

That is all she has said about her marriage.

Nothing about her husband being dismissive, neglectful, disinterested in emotional intimacy - or any other projection about this man's failings by other posters.

Some women - like some men - have affairs because an opportunity arises for an escape from the trials of life.

Not because their spouses have failed in some way or because their marriages are dreadful.

But often because life can be a grind sometimes (the OP has mentioned that her youngest child has special needs) and because some women and men can be a bit selfish at times and think they are entitled to a secret adventure for which others can pick up the bill.

Saying that women need emotional intimacy more than men is as flawed a notion as saying that men need sex more than women. We have no insight into whether this poster 'lacks emotional intimacy' in her marriage - any more than we can project why her lover is hurting his wife. What might be happening though is that any minor flaw in their partners is currently being magnified out of all proportion.....