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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My dp might have another son!!!

22 replies

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:07

A letter came through the door from the dept of work and pensions stating my dp had to pay child support for a cild he didnt even know existed. The wee boy could be his as he recognises the girls name who is the mother and has had sex with her. (This was before we met) He has to have a dna test. If the child is his will he just have to pay money but never see or hear from the child or the mother? I am not sure how this all works but I feel bad for him as he was never told he had a son and the child if it is his doesnt even know who his dad is (poor kid). Anyone had experience with something like this, I'm just not sure what to do as its a horrible situation.
I am not annoyed just worried about if it is his kid but will never have a relationship. He has already said he will be happy to pay child support if it is his child.

OP posts:

Piffle · 31/03/2006 21:10

I think it is lovely that he is being so accepting and responsible, I hope that maybe he can build a relationship with the wee lad too.
hope its not too tough on you guys
xxxxxxxxx

PinkTulips · 31/03/2006 21:12

i'm sure he has rights of some kind Lyndsey, have you suggested he contact a solicitor? she can't just expect money and never let him see his child.

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:16

He is such a decent guy. I dont think the mother wants him to have any contact as the dept of working pensions said it would just be money he had to pay each week. The wee lads only 2 so im not sure if he even knows anything really. Ive just got visions of a guy turning up on the doorstep in years to come saying so your my dad, why did you not want anything to do with me etc..breaks my heart

OP posts:

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:18

Im really not sure if he has any rights to be honest. Its a bit unfair he was never told but the mother of this child may have her reasons. I just know I would want to know my dad even if he wasnt with my mum iyswim

OP posts:

ShaysMummy · 31/03/2006 21:21

my dh received a letter demanding child support for a child he knew nothing about. he didnt even know the mother- they lived about 300miles away from where we lived.
t the time, our son was 5 days old andvery ill in hosp.
it could have destroyed out marriage considering the stress we were under.
he didnt even get an apology for the mistake!

very good of your man to take responsibilty. good of u to understand too- some women probably wouldnt.
:)

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:21

Maybe a solicitor would be a good idea as then we can get some solid advice. As you can tell Im think this kid is probably his about 90% sure cos the dates work out etc. I dont even mind if Im never alowed to see the child just as long as the childs best interests are put first. I also have a wee boy of 7 months its weird to think he might have a half brother.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 31/03/2006 21:23

This must be a huge shock for you both. He could look into getting a contact order if his mum wasn't forthcoming with offering contact.

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:25

The worst of it all really is that the dna costs nearly £300. We have nothing like that kind of money lying around but if he doesnt do it they said they will start taking money straight out our account. Maybe Im just preparing myself for the news that the kid is his then i can deal with all of this easier.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 31/03/2006 21:25

The CSA wouldn't get involved in anything to do with contact, so that may be why they said that.

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:27

Ah I see. I really know nothing on this topic at all. Just waiting for dp to come home from work so we can have a wee chat about it. It was a shock for me a bit but I cant imagine what a shock it was for him.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 31/03/2006 21:29

definitely sounds like he needs to get legal advice, if your stuck for cash try going to citizans advice for information.

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:31

Sh..Mummy,why do you say it is very good of this chap tp take responsibility as if he is doing everyone a massive favour??
So he should! If he didn't want any nasty surprises,he should have sorted out contraception.

Lynse,the same thing happened to a bloke I know.Two years on,he got a letter demanding a DNA test.
He pays a substantial amount a week towards this child but has nothing to do with him.

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:32

probably a good idea. never thought of citizens advice. Hephoned me earlier saying he didnt want to looseme over this!! i told him not to be so stupid and thats life you never knowwhats gonna happen. I think he's worried that im gonna leave him. I just feel like a bit of a third wheel in this situation iykwim

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Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:34

The girl was on the pill and he used a condom which is why he is wanting a dna test. He is not sure that this child is his really, but accidents happen and amybe the girl wasnt taking the pill, who knows

OP posts:

Piffle · 31/03/2006 21:35

It is good for him to face up to the possibility MD - plenty of men would not. Amazing to think that they would not require proof BEFORE taking the money. in this day and age, anyone could allege anything could they not.
I know avery very good man who is unable to see his two children, he pays regular money to CSA infact had to sell his house because of it, prevented from seeing his kids due to a drug conviction (2 cannabis smokes)
Unable to see his kids BUT training as a teacher and ok to teach!!!!
The entire system is a mockery really.
But hopfully for you guys it will be better :)

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:38

Thanks piffle.

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PinkTulips · 31/03/2006 21:40

you're not a third wheel pet, he's chosen you as his partner in life so you'll be involved in some way with this kid if it is his son. not to mention it's money out of your family's budget. you have every right to be involved and help him sort this mess out, tackle it as a team and it'll give him a better chance of getting visitation rights too as the courts will see he has a loving stable family environment for the boy to visit.

your coping really well with what must be a massive shock pet

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:41

Piffle,I am not keen on a culture which applauds men for doing what is merely their duty.
In light of what you say Lynsey,really hope the child isn't his.

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:44

Thanks pinktulips. At the end of the day it takes two to make a baby and in a perfect world they would all have loving mum and dads together but its just a shame its happened like this. The girl was sleeping with other men also which is why my dp never really stayed in contact so I guess the kid could be anothers guys just have to wait and see. I just want the child to know that if dp is his dad that he can still love him as he has said this to me.

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Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:47

I dont reaaly mind if it is or not to be honest. My sister has seen no child support for14 years and has two girls. Dad sees them about once a year, its awfull. dp doesnt want applauded just wants to do the right thing. Cant turn back the clock so just have to do whats right at this moment in time.

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PinkTulips · 31/03/2006 21:47

i hope it all works out lynsey, by the sounds of it i don't know how much chance there actually is of the boy being his but it's lovely that he'll be accepted and loved if he is. like you said, in an ideal world these situations would never arise but they do, and every child deserves a mom and a dad if at all possible, good luck whatever the outcome

Original poster

LynseyM · 31/03/2006 21:49

Ill keep you posted.
Thank you, needed a rant

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