I dont love my family. Cant even pretend.

[CantLoveThem]

Ive name changed as I'm embarrassed but I need to get it out.

I've never loved my family. The older I get the more it affects me, especially now that I'm a mother. I cant even lie and tell my family I love them, or even say 'you too' when they say it at the end of a phone call.

I had a pretty horrible childhood, lots of emotional abuse and humiliation. I have a younger sibling that was treated brilliantly and loves my parents dearly but has ended up like them and will take pleasure in joining in with humiliating me. I completely resent them all.

The problem is since I left home many years ago now they have been acting like different people, but I just cant trust them. Part of me wishes they would just show their true colours so it would be easier to say how I feel and cut them out of my life. Even when they are nice to me it makes my skin crawl and I cant stand them touching me.

I don't want to tell my whole life story but there's certain things I cant stop thinking about. I was raped when I was 16 by a boy at school. I came home hysterically crying and covered in marks and dirt and they just blanked me completely. I was sat at the table in tears and they were walking around me talking about their day. I'm humiliated to admit it but I was so alone and confused that I went back to my rapist and he continued to abuse me for a week.
They have said horrendous things to me in the past like if they had to choose who would live and die between me and my sibling they would choose for me to die.

Every time I have a complete breakdown over it and ring my parents my mum ends up in tears admitting how much of a terrible parent shes been and apologises. Then the next day its as if Id never said a thing.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to not love their family. I feel like a freak and its messing with my head. I'm worried Ive got something wrong with me and my child will feel the same way towards me. I dont know what to do.

I know what you should do, love

You should cut your family off. They will never bring you peace, and joy.

Cut them off, and you will find that a load has been lifted.

Have tou read "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward ?

Have you seen a long running support thread on here, for people in just your situation, who understand exactly how you feel ? I will link it if you wish.

I am very sorry you were raped.

What AF said, cut them off or they will keep messing with your head.
You will get lots of support on here

I hear you, I don't love mine either. Sister and a sd that has been around since i was 10 mths old, (45 yrs). They're not the sort of people I would choose to be friends with if we weren't related so I don't associate with them.

Fill your life with good friends and make your own family op.

I have to go to bed now, so I will link anyway

stately homes thread

i am so so sorry. you poor thing.

as usual AF is spot on. these people are toxic. you need to remove them from your life

"They're not the sort of people I would choose to be friends with if we weren't related so I don't associate with them."

i feel exactly the same about my family.

Thankyou AF. I will have a look at that link and also the toxic parents book.

I just have no idea where to start with cutting them off. Just stop talking to them with no explanation?

You have to do with works for you

Don't do anything yet, take a bit of time to work it out. Have a read of the book and maybe post on the support thread. It's a very long one, and there have been several gone before. You are not alone.

what works

No you are not the only one, and life is often much, much happier without toxic family in your life. I haven't spoken to a large chunk of my family (not parents but other members) for years and feel so much better for it. The deciding factor was having my children and realising they were going to be an influence on their lives too if I didn't shut them out.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There is no reason in the world why your children will feel the same about you. The very fact that you are emotionally aware enough to worry about that makes you the very opposite of a toxic parent.

Every time I have a complete breakdown over it and ring my parents my mum ends up in tears admitting how much of a terrible parent shes been and apologises.

What do you want her to do/say?

Sometimes we have to look for answers to questions within. If the rape is still palying on your mind, please ring Rape Crisis.

OP it sounds as though you've attempted to resolve this several times with your family and it's just not worked.

The pretending it didn't happen thing that your mum does is called gaslighting. It's unpleasant and manipulative.
When I stopped seeing my family several years ago now, it was hard but sooo worth it. I felt a sense of empowerment and freedom and my life just took off. Honestly it was the best thing I ever did.
I tell you that to give you confidence. Listen to what your head is telling you, there is a good reason why you don't love them.

It helps to have counselling to clarify and work through what has gone before.

I don't love my family , l wish l did. I did love my DF who was my friend and ally as l was growing up and l miss him dearly. My DM was a depressive bully who thought and still thinks the sun shines out of my sister (can't call her dear) arse. I was ridiculed and put down at any turn. I wasn't good enough. clever enough (Dux of school) or sociable enough for her. I could go on and on.
Now l feel liberated after l saw the light 8 years ago after a major life changing event and contact is on my terms.
It is so liberating. I just wish l was brave enough to cut my mum ofj just as l have cut my sister off but she is old and l just can't do it

They won't change op.
You know that.
I am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered at their hands, but you are an adult now and you have choices you didn't have back then.
You gain nothing from a continued relationship other than distress and anger.
So don't continue it.
Send a letter. Tell them why you no longer want contact. Tell them if they do not abide by your wishes you will get the police involved.
Change your phone number and e mail address.
And then get in with your life x

I think age plays a part actually.
There are several members of my wider family I now have nothing to do with.
It is sooo liberating!
You can do it too.
I agree with the poster above that counselling may help you.

I grew up in an abusive home with a golden child. Said golden child is still golden, despite cocking up her life, and I am demonised at every turn, despite having the model married with a couple of kids in my own home lifestyle.

Golden child likes to copy everything I do, and then received accolades for her good deeds...whereas my participation in same activities would be met by ridicule.

Cutting them off in a big dramatic finale is NOT the way to go. Just start to speak to them less, do not initiate the contact, just let things drift. When they do contact you, just be polite but distant. Sooner or later they stop ringing.

A big show down only gives them fuel to criticise and ridicule and point fingers at you.

Far better just to drift away. and if they ever ask why, just be vague - busy life, kids, dogs, and ultimately, "NOthing to tell you" etc.

Hattifatner I totally respect your opinion but it's a deeply personal thing how someone decides to cut off contact.
Lots of people go through a therapeutic process which gives them clarity and separation and then decide on what they need and how to do it.

Whilst slowly drifting away may be right for some, having a frank conversation can give great empowerment, closure and a feeling of being heard and openly making a choice. It can clear the air for the leaver.

You re quite normal not to love your family, they treated you like shit and I think you need some councilling to help you heal.

Plrase plrase go and see a therapist before you cut people out of your life. Right now minimise contact. Scren calls etc. Work through how and when you will cut your family off with a trained therapist. I used a Psychodynamic therapist seven years after I cut my damily out. It us a relief but brings other confusing emotions and guilt about your own life decisions and what happens when one year passes etc.

Take control. Minimise contact to all time low. Get a therapist, talk here.

You DO love your family as you recognise you were not loved...:( sorry you were/are not loved eniugh and you want things to change.

Re parent your inner child. Feel great and OK with YOU.

Hardest work ever but you'll discover...find out!!!

(personal experience)

Then you can live a much better life without them if that is what you want.

CantLoveThem, if you never confront them, or write them a letter and then separate from them, then in a way (as an adult) you're enabling them to continue to abuse you, and are feeling complicit with allowing them to carry on behaving the same way. That is what I'm recognising, and that is why you cannot love them.

And agree with all here saying go to a therapist.
It is not your ability to love which is broken, it is their's.

Dear OP, Your child won't have the sort of parenting you had so there is no way s/he would feel about you the way you do about your parents. It wasn't and isn't you it was them and this shouldn't hamper your relationship with your own DC. Please seek counselling.

You are not a freak. Who could feel love for these people in your situation?

Keep yourself and your dc away from their harmful presence. Your dc will not start to treat you the way your parents have done. Your dc will feel loved and cherished and return that love.

There is clearly nothing wrong with you, as you are able to realise by being a parent yourself how a parent ought to behave, and that they didn't. It's one of Nature's dirty tricks that fertility is random. Some people who would make brilliant parents can't have children, while some hideous psychopaths just pop them out like peas from a pod. You were really unlucky to be born to the wrong sort. From another point of view, your sister is even unluckier because she is doomed to repeat their pattern, whereas you at least have broken out. This makes you the stronger person and eventually, I hope, a happier one.

It's totally understandable that you went back to your rapist, btw. He at least gave you some attention, even if it was bad attention. He reacted to you - negatively, but at least he noticed you existed. It's kind of like people cutting themselves, it hurts and they know it's wrong, but it proves they're alive. It is so sad you were driven to that but is not something to be ashamed of. I agree with those who say try to get some counselling for it, even this many years on. You deserve to be heard.

FWIW having to choose between which of your children to save is every natural mother's worst nightmare (and the plot of the film Sophie's Choice - her trauma decades after the event - I couldn't watch it myself, even if it was only a story). Those bastards actually enjoyed the thought. How awful is that?

Maybe one day you'll learn to pity them, but love them? You'd be a bit weird if you did.