Should I be mega offended or just let it go?

[arabella2]

Hi
I'm glad Christmas is over as we had a stint with both dh's family and mine and though great for ds and some parts of it were fun, I don't know exactly why this time of year is more stressful than other times. Maybe everybody's different expectations.
We got through the time with my family with no overt arguments, but unfortunately just before we left dh's family, dh and his younger sister had an argument which has really left a bad feeling in my head.
They are all quite forthright in his family, and this younger sister though nice can also be quite judgmental I think...
Anyway, dh is quite direct and he may have been over direct in the way he said this to her, but when her daughter was hiding crisps under the table to eat them and she was getting annoyed he said she shouldn't leave things around if she didn't want her dd to eat them. Then he went on about the e numbers in things and that that's how their elder sister's children got so big (one of them in particular) because food was left around. I can understand that his tone annoyed her, but then again that is how he talks. Anyway she got really angry with him and told him not to lecture her otherwise she would lecture him about his (and I quote) "fat little son" who has loads of meals a day. She even repeated the "fat little son" phrase twice for emphasis. I feel really hurt by this. I was in the kitchen and she knew I could hear but obviously didn't give a toss. She way she said "fat little son" with emphasis on the son was really not nice. I wouldn't have had a problem if she had told dh that she thinks we overfeed ds, but I don't know why she had to get personal in that way. I feel it was hurtful towards ds as well as me.
Not that I have to justify any of our behaviour - we do feed ds quite a lot, but we try to avoid crappy foods and anyway he has a different metabolism to her dd's. Recently he was ill for about 6 days and we watched him getting weaker and thinner and that really frightened me. He certainly is not fat but has a chubby "baby" layer which I consider his reserve for when he is ill again. Her daughter is much thinner but hey I didn't go round calling her names because of it.
I don't feel at the moment that I can ever regard dh's sister in the same way again... as she showed no regard for my feelings when arguing with dh...
Am I overreacting???

Incidentally he is only 25 months (her dd is 3 and three quarters) so I think a chubby extra layer is normal????

arabella - well, I don't know if you are overreacting but if my brother had started to lecture me about what I was feeding my daughter I would have reacted in the same way as your sil. Not grown-up, I know but she and he are siblings, they will get on each others nerves. She's not right to refer to your boy as a "fat little son" but I can understand why she did it to get at her 'direct' speaking brother.

But then I had a major row with my brother 3 years ago over the differing ways we treat our children and we haven't spoken since so my views may be a little clouded on this subject!

It was wrong of her to use that particular phrase, arabella. But it sounds like she felt attacked by your DH (he did seem quite confrontational) and she lashed out in defence of herself and her DD. I understand that you are upset by this, I would be too, but I think I'd let it lie as it seems to have been a spur of the moment thing. An attack more directed at her brother than her nephew or you.

I think SIL probably felt quite hurt by what your dh said and just lashed out in an attempt to hurt him in the same way. If they are used to behaving like this, she probably wouldn't have stopped to consider your feelings. SIL was insensitive but I'm not sure she intended to cause offence. Your son sounds okay to me. I don't think they lose all their baby fat until they are running around everywhere.

I think calling anyone else's child "fat" is unacceptable, and certainly not in the way she said it. I would have been very hurt too. However, your dh was probably too direct and pushed your SIL's buttons (siblings can be the worst for that no matter how old they are), especially if they feel their other sister's kids have a weight problem. Also, giving parenting advice when it's not asked for is asking for trouble . That doesn't justify what she said, IMO, but perhaps you could tell her that you were hurt by what she said about your ds and maybe she would apologise and you would feel better.

BTW, my ds was a very chubby chap until he was nearly 30 mos, and then he's just been growing up and not out. Someone said to me in a surprised voice the other day "hasn't he slimmed down?", like they thought he was fat before. People can be so thoughtless.

Arabella, just a thought, but is the emphasis on 'son' relevant? Has she got a boy? Just wondered whether that was in the mix too. I'd leave it I think since everyone else is right: it was a fight between siblings and not a fight with you. And it does sounds as if your dh was too direct whilst giving unsolicited parenting advice, which is never a good combination IMO! I wouldn't worry about your ds's weight either, rolls of fat are good at this age and soon drop off when they're more active. So I'd let it go personally.

Arabella, you are his mum, of course you will over-react. Quite rightly too!

When we first took our ds twins to visit DH's parents, note we took to them and they don't live hundreds of miles away. MIL had youngest in her arms (weighing a grand 6lb by then as he was 4 weeks old- again, could you wait to see a grandchild for 4 weeks?) She says "oh look at his double-chin, he is going to be fat!"

Double-chin, he barely had a neck. Since then relations have been frosty as she has a problem with anyone not anorexicly slim - too complicated to go into. I don't want her cheeky comments aimed at my sons as how would that make them feel, they are 2 now and have gorgeous little Buddah-bellies. For her info, they were small at birth and are still slightly under the 50th percentile, but a good weight and height for their age.

Comments like that have a lasting effect. Your SIL made a stupid comment but said it several times, that makes her the fool in my book. Certainly if her problem is with your DH then why doesn't she keep her barbed comments for him, not an innocent child.

Arabella - this sounds awful
I have no advice on thie situation
However, my son's weight has been referred to, albeit lightheartedly, many times in his 17 months, and it sometimes really upsets me.
He is chubby -so what?
He eats proper food - enjoys vegetables, and other food which is good for hi,. he rarel has chocolate, sweets, etc and loves healthy snacks.
It sometimes still does annoy me, but I try to rise above it - tricky thoght this may sometimes be
I know that your sistuation has mroe too it, but htought you may find it useful to hear of a similar story
chin up

Arabella, just read this thread and think it's bad that 2 grown ups can slag each other's children off in that way...in my experience if someone you know well throws a snidey comment at you, you don't let them walk all over you but lash out back, unless you're a saint and just sit there and take it on the chin..

I agree it wasn't nice of sil to say this about your ds but in her defense she was having a go at him, to hurt his feelings and he had indeed hurt hers...either he's had a tense time with ils and it just built up .

maybe he's someone who is slim, and like in my family if you're slightly over weight you get called a "big dog" and to stop eating in between meals by your own MOTHER, in which case a bit of friction at Christmas and his opinion on his own ideals just comes out....Hope you sort it out talk it through when you've had a bit of a breather

Hi Arabella, I recently had a confrontation with my sister (she's younger), and it amazed me how quickly we both deviated from the point, and started hurling childish 'nasties' at each other. (She more than me, obviously! - Read - "It wasn't me, she started it!" Siblings nearly always seem to revert to childhood behaviour, in adulthood. We both realised what we were doing, and resolved it. But, I did feel I had to point out the particular points which had hurt me to be able to move on.
You say that your SIL's daughter is "much thinner", do you think it might be possible that she has underlying concerns or worries over her daughters weight? Maybe if she has, it led to the 'nasties' coming out in the form of an aparrent slur about your son's weight, based on worries about her daughters lack of it?
Maybe she's as hurt by your dh's comments as you are by hers, though he rose above using bad comments about her children, it really sounds like she felt she had to be defensive via offensive, if you know what I mean! Maybe each of you deserve apologies? Though for different reasons

No time to read the other replies Arabella but don't be too hard on SIL, whilst her remarks were unkind, they were in direct retailiation to some insensitive and tactless remarks from your dh about her children....so I think what she said, in that context, is forgiveable.

Message withdrawn

I agree it was not nice to say what she did about your son but as others have said sibling rows do revert to adolescent levels. However your dh not only insulted your sil but his older siblings child so I think perhaps your SIL was pushed. In your SIL mind your DH was suggesting perhaps that his ds was perfect and everyones elses was imperfect. Why don't you speak to her and give her a sympathic ear and a chance to explain how she feels as you will have to face her again sooner or later.

Thanks. I've read all the replies and some of them have taken the sting out of how I feel. I have told dh that no mother likes to have her parenting "attacked" and that if he had said what he said in a different way she may not have reacted that way. However he told me that they have always talked to each other in that way in his family... He was making a valid point I think but in a confrontational kind of way. Also I think she completely missed the point that he was doing it out of concern. He really loves all his nieces and nephews and it has made him really sad to see his eldest niece (daughter of another sister) get so fat. He was simply saying that if she didn't want her daughter to eat all the rubbish she was eating, why didn't she hide the "nasty" food? Her daughter will never be fat, I think it was more a question about e numbers etc... Anyway, I too would have felt attacked because my sister cannot say the slightest thing to me about ds without it getting my back up a little. I think men don't realise how sensitive women can be about their mothering as women are often more involved with
"hands on" parenting than men.
In reference to her emphasis on the word "son", WWW, she too now has a baby son of almost 12 months. I think it was more a reference to the fact that both dh and I dote on ds A LOT. It took us quite a long time to conceive him, dh is quite old at 47 to be a first time father and we both cannot believe how lucky we are to have such a lovely son (which indeed he is )... and maybe other people find this a little irritating.
Paula71, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that she should not have aimed her barbed comments at an innocent child... I think so too and I don't think I will ever be able to look at her relationship with my ds in quite the same way again...
Anyway, thank you because I don't feel so bad about it now... I realise this was between them and she said something she shouldn't have, deviating from the main argument. Not that my family is perfect in any way because we have loads of problems communicating as well, but in dh's family (there are 6 brothers and sisters) they tend to have this kind of argument which is short, never apologised for and sulked over for a long time. His youngest sister and family were supposed to come here today for 2 todays but I don't think they will now (though you never know). They certainly haven't phoned to say what time etc... and that's how it goes. Dh and her will sulk with each other for a few months (she lives abroad anyway so it will be an absence of phone call kind of sulk)...
Anyway, I must stop going on.
I don't know, maybe she does have some underlying concerns about her daughter being thin... Also she didn't like being compared to her eldest sister by dh... Anyway, she still shouldn't have said what she said about ds...