Relate?

[mentallyscrewed]

Has anybody done it?

Please tell me your experiences of it :)

We've done it twice (different issues) and it was helpful both times, although hard work emotionally speaking. I can really relate (sorry!) to what a poster said above about having an intelligent third party in the room. I think it is very helpful if one or both of you tend to have whole conversations in your head with your partner but actually rarely tell them anything personal.

Haven't got any advice but we've just started going. We have had the intro session and one each on our own. We were supposed to be going through pyschosexual therapy with them but I think they are now pushing us for normal counselling. I think we have left it too late and I can't see how they can fix my husbands ED issues or make me fancy him again but will see what happens! I do like our counsellor though.

I chased up our next appointment yesterday, they don't have the notes back yet, so we have to wait.
I'd like this thread to keep going - to hear more experiences, and for solidarity!

I didn't prepare too much (it was all too much if a soup in my head anyway). We were both really nervous. I couldn't really imagine actually talking about all this emotional stuff with my DH, and actually hearing him talk too (that was huge!).

The first question our counsellor asked was simply "why are you here?" It was all it needed. It all just started to come out. It's not linear. Some things will be revisited over again.

It really helped us. DH said he found it draining and exhausting but amazing too. We used to have our sessions on a Monday, and over the weeks Monday nights were the times we felt the closest.

mentallyscrewed - I would hang fire on the couples counselling and read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends first.

People who choose to have an affair need to look into themselves to work out what issues, coping mechanisms and character flaws that led to them justifying their cheating.

Couples counselling after infidelity is only worthwhile if you are resolving relationship vulnerabilities, boundaries and/or need a safe space to address certain issues that the cheater may have (e,g selfish behaviour is a common one).

Arranged an appointment for next week (initial assessment). Deep breath. Feeling sad

Ours was not worth much. We went just after I told H I wanted to separate.

The aim was to smooth the way towards separation, but the 4 sessions she advised (two together, one each separately) didn't get H as far as accepting that it was happening. (He still hasn't, nearly two months on.) In the session I had by myself, I felt under pressure to convince her that H had been EA and I was doing the right thing, while not wanting to open up that much to an almost stranger. It was quite bruising.

It wasn't all bad. She did pull him up on some of his manipulativeness and attempts to blame me, which caused him to flounder momentarily, but more importantly made it clearer to me what he was doing.

And at least I could say I'd done it!

We went twice as a couple.

The first time, the counsellor was good and quite forthright. She identified dh's manipulative behaviour fairly quickly. However, it didn't move us forward any as dh simply batted away any questions which he found uncomfortable, and denied any suggestions/insights she offered.

The second time (about 2 years later) was with a different counsellor and it was awful. Dh spent each hour session listing all of his complaints about me. He saved up everything that had annoyed him that week and used the hour to list it all. The counsellor didn't challenge or question that behaviour, and when I told dh that being attacked for an hour every week wasn't really working for me, he told the counsellor that was how I felt and she looked really surprised. tbh the fact she hadn't identified he was EA and manipulative, and hadn't realised how he was using the sessions (he even admitted that was what he was doing at the sessions!) meant I had no faith in her.

However I recently started with a Relate counsellor for individual sessions and they have been brilliant.

We have our regular appointment now every Wednesday. Tonight is the first (after the initial session). It's with the same counsellor.
I don't know what I want.
Is it really possible to fall back in love with someone? When someone starts to irritate, is it too late?
I have no patience with DH at the moment. It's not good.

Relate was last night. It was pretty gruelling. It was tougher on DH. He's really hurting. I was honest, I said that I wasn't in love anymore. I said that I found certain things about him irritating. And asked is it possible to bring it back?
I spoke about feeling the weight of the responsibility. It was up to me to chose whether to fix this or end it. And that it's not pleasant!
In the end we agreed that we would start to try and make things better - to give it a chance. So we said that we'd try and spend time together, to try and enjoy each other again, and also try and work on making ourselves happier individuals, by doing more things apart.
(Although where we will find time for this, I'm not too sure.)
But we will try. Small steps. It will take time. And it will take dedication.
Later last night, he said that maybe he should man up and take the responsibility from me and let me get on with my life, and end the relationship.
I said that whilst I think it's good that he can think that way - and free me from some of the responsibility, we had agreed to work hard to give the relationship a chance.
He's got the day off today. he's going to spend the morning putting in a concerted effort to improve his individual situation by finding a better and more rewarding job - something that would stretch him and put him with nice people and not the miserable, ignorant bastards he currently works with. Then he has his first gambling addiction appointment at Gamcare.
The worse thing is, when we were at Relate, and when he was talking, I was just getting more and more convinced we had no future. He just rambled on and on and never got to the point. It was infuriating.
I will try.
I will try!
We had the same counsellor as our initial session. I'm not so sure about how good she is now. She doesn't seem to like DH, she was pretty tough on him to start.

WinnieFosterTether,
Dh spent each hour session listing all of his complaints about me.

Isn't it, in a way, what is supposed to happen? Finding out why things don't work (by listening to both sides) and then dealing with it? Unpleasant, yes, but could it be necessary? Just curious. I thought going through complaints, so to speak, is unavoidable... Unless - in your case - it was quite clear what the issues were. (It isn't in ours).

My initial assessment a week ago went well. I thought the counselor 'gets it' (without jumping to conclusions), and that we can work together as a team to improve our situation. I felt I can trust her judgement and I would consider and respect her views in times of disagreement.

Second appointment was with a different counselor, and I was disappointed. What a waste of time. The counselor came across as inexperienced and pre-occupied with pretending to know more than she actually does. It is still good to be able to talk through your problems, with anybody, but I felt her input was off-track and unhelpful. A few good tips, but not enough to justify the time spent, let alone the fee.

After the session I called Relate and explained my preference towards the first counselor and they now arranged my next appointment with her. Might be inconvenient for them, but I felt very acutely during the second session that I am a paying customer, and my money is worth a lot more than what I was offered!

Frustrated to be losing time, when we're so short of patience, but still hopeful for some progress in the future.

We had a very positive e perience of relate. It helped us calm arguments and I found the sessions very practical with structured discussions and homework! Meant we had a useful conversation and not just listing problems.