I am not sure if I want to be married any more, but am finding it impossible to think clearly about the situation and to make a decision about what would be the best, most decent thing to do. It is literally driving me mad and I would appreciate any advice or insights you might be able to give me. This may be long, but I need to get it all down to try to make sense of it.
I met DH at 23. He is 14 years my senior. At the time, we were both working in the same industry (although not together) and met at a professional event. He was living with his partner of eight years. We began an emotional affair which continued for about six months (some kissing, hand holding etc, but no sex). We would meet once a week or so for dinner. I was not really physically attracted to him, but I WAS strongly attracted to him in many other ways - we had great conversation, huge amounts in common, he was funny and warm. It is a terrible cliche, I realise, but he was also somewhat of a father figure to me. He has never been controlling or anything like that, but he provided a lot of emotional support to me at a difficult time in my life, and had a real Mr fIx It attitude - any problem I had he would step in and help, and I suppose I must have needed or craved that at that stage, who knows. He had a very happy, settled life as a child whereas I had a very unstable, difficult upbringing and a violent, abusive father - so perhaps that means something, I dont know?
Anyway, after six months he came clean to his partner and they separated. I am not and have never been proud of the fact I was the OW. It sounds lame, I understand, but it is also something DH feels guilty about to this day.
We then began a relationship in earnest, and were dating (although not living together) happily for three years when I accidentally became pregnant. He was supportive and we decided to make a go of things. We have now been together for twelve years, are married, own a home together and have two children aged eight and four years. I am 35, he is nearly 50.
Essentially, we get on well. We still have lots in common, have fun times together and manage to run our home and family together fairly happily even through difficult times (a severely disabled child, multiple miscarriages, a major depressive episode for me and a brief separation several years ago).
However, I am deeply unhappy. I feel trapped and suffocated by domestic and family life. We live in a large house in a nice suburb of London and are reliant on DH's sizeable income to fund our lifestyle. I have been working part-time in unsatisfying 'mum jobs' for years (although I am highly qualified and experienced), but am now starting to get my career back together and a future where I have a fulfilling career and am financially independent looks possible for the first time in a decade.
We still have an active sex life, but it is really a testimony to our mutually high sex drives. I am not attracted to him and at times find him repulsive. I love him dearly as almost an older brother (I know how wrong that sounds) and as the most terrific father to our children....but when I imagine my future playing out with him forever, it makes me feel so...I dont know, OLD and hopeless. These are all MY issues, I realise. I just dont know what to do for the best.
I dream of us separating, me buying a smaller flat of my own and us sharing care of the children. I know how utterly selfish and barmy this sounds. I feel like I have never had the chance to be an independent woman, to stand on my own two feet. Or maybe I am just teying to relive a youth that is gone?
God I sound pathetic I know. I eill be back in a bit. TIA.