why can't i just let go of my childhood

[spidermanspiderman]

I'm pregnant and always find that my hormones seem to bring everything up again. Also my brother, who has nothing whatsoever to do with me and has cut me out of his life completely, has just got engaged.

Basically my df died when I was 7, after 5 years of fighting against a terminal illness. My df wasn't really around a lot due to this and I wasn't able to visit him really. My dm couldn't cope and was emotionally abusive to me throughout this time and in particular after my df's passing away.

Approximately 3 years later my dm met someone else got married and I was sent to boarding school. Despite the fact that I was very ill myself at the time and due to recurrent urine infections would often have accidents on a night. My dm couldn't cope with this either as I was being treated in same hospital where df passed away at the time and also would be angry at me for having an accident.

Anyway, my dm gradually improved in her behaviour towards me however my new step father now picked up from where she left off with the continuous emotional abuse. Every holiday when he was home I spent walking on eggshells. My dm was always saying things to me like 'i don't know why he does it to you' or 'he doesn't like his job at the moment, he can't help it' and also 'but who else would take on a woman with two children'.

My dm and I have spent a lot of time resolving everything and she acknowledges her role in it all. To be fair she has taken a lot of abuse and anger from me and has made a great effort to get our relationship to where it is now.

My step father however has never discussed anything with me and is still occasionally is verbally abusive to me (apparently I can't take a joke and am emotional). Though he always says to my dm afterwards that he doesn't know why he always snaps when it comes to me and behaves like that. He doesn't know what I do.

My brother, who is 3 years younger than me, had same issues with step father but they now get along and none of the issues that I had with my dm. My dm could cope with him, apparently he was funny and made her laugh. My dm also said things to me like 'you had lots of cuddles from your df and your brother didn't. Thats why I give him more now. He was basically her golden child.

Posted by accident. Gosh that's long and there's loads more to it. The crux of it is despite getting along with everyone relatively well now (apart from my brother) I feel the need to cut everyone out of my life and still can't stop feeling hurt.

Well done for being brave enough to post, OP. it sounds like you've had a hard time and are still very angry (I would be too).

Have you had any therapy or professional input to help you cope with how you feel? That might be a good first step.

There's nothing like having children of your own for surfacing feelings from your own childhood.

Have tried lots of things from hypnotherapy, counciling, antidepressants etc. This was all in my twenties though. However nothing really worked and now have all the labels from emotional to 'mental' because of this. Feel these labels are now used to justify any current behaviour from step father and brother.

Yours is a heartbreaking story but I think to preserve your emotional wellbeing maybe instead of cutting them totally out of your life, just maintain minimal contact while you're pregnant.

I dont know how often you see them but just visit every couple of months if seeing them gives you lots of anxiety. Sometimes a new baby can bring a family closer together and then you can decide if you want them to be more involved in your life again