Should I try to find exH and ask him to support me and Ds?

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

ExH went to Thailand nearly five years ago. No contact since, no support. Managed to divorce him. I think he still works at a University in north Thailand.

I have survived so far and always been very anxious that he doesn't return or try to have any contact with me or ds. But I could really do with some financial support from him now and for DS into the future.

Ds is 4 and has leukaemia. Only child. I have no family to call on.

It does really upset me that ex has been able to walk away. Forever. Go on to be ina good job teaching in a Uni, scuba diuving, apparently re-married to a thai girl etc.

He took all our savings (30k) and also left me 10 grand overdrawn on our current account when he ran off, though did leave me with a holiday cottage which I sold and I've been living on that - toppingup with it etc, But it wonb't last long as ds illness means I can't work for another 2 years and it's pretty crap all round.
I don't know what to do anymore. i just wish he would contribute.

Thoughts please.. Don't know if anyone is still around who remembers my backstory.

It's very hard right now as DS is poorly. I can't work - on DLA and carer's to support him which is full time job. I have a mortgage which I put on interest only when he ran away so not paying it off.

Should I really try and find him and at least ask he starts contributing to ds and I? It's a lost cause probably and even if I found him he wouldn't want to give me anything no doubt.

But should i try - as it does eat me up that I am somehow allowing him to just leave and live in Thailand with no repercussions. poor ds.

Very useful replies. Thank you all very much.

He has no conscience.

He might (just) remember my name, but he certainly wouldn't now remember his son's birth date or our wedding date or his two daughters' birthdays. Or even the date he left. He won't remember anything of his life here, because that is what narcissists do: they discard totally when they leave. They pirouette off like the fine Dandies they think they are, pillaging and raping on their way out. They then re-write history and re-invent themselves. Pip pip!

I do know all of that. I have no thoughts at all about whether he has a shred of humanity about him because I know he doesn't.

And Attila you are right - his family have zero interest in me or their grandson/nephew whatever, because they are crippled humans with no thought for anyone except themselves. Narcs are like that.

It's laughably hilarious actually. They tip-toe around with their cocktail glasses and private school fees, quoting Shakespeare and giving eulogies about poets. They make Christmas arches out of real fir and hand-picked-on-country-walks Holly, they cook pigs in blankets and stand around village trees singing carols by candlelight. They give to charitable causes, teach English in prisons and praise themselves for their endless patience with their own super-talented offspring who will naturally grow up to be senior tory paedophiles stout pillars of the community.

Yawn.

What does resonate with me though, is the idea that if I asked him outright to start paying up or I will shop him to his University then I could at least tell my son that I did not entirely allow him (exH) to get away with it.

Fuck it. You know what? I shall re-visit this topic in a year or so.

And come to the same conclusion.

Thing is though, UA, it's very unlikely AmazonBoy is going to resent in years to come your 'failure' to make his dad pay any money towards him. He may try and throw something at you in a teenagerish argument about how you must have driven his dad away and thus blame you for a lack of contact (little realising if you had driven that absolute piece of crap out of his life it would have been the best thing you could have done for him anyway) but the money I don't think he will ever care about as much as you, who are struggling on nothing, do.

Do you think your situation is currently so awful that you need a distraction from the awfulness with another, ultimately less awful situation? I just don't think it will work because it's too near to you. You must be very angry and this is a channel for your anger but not an outlet for it, because you will never get any kind of resolution to the situation and your ex will end up playing you, if you can even find him.

I think it will just add to your stress, not divert some of it. I don't think facing the reality of your ex's utter lack of interest in his ds even in this moment of extremis will give you any closure.

tribpot that is an interesting theory and may partly be correct for UnlikelyA.
I found it was the anger that ex got away scot free as I was left emotionally/financially/physically/socially wrecked and ex not a scratch living in batchelor heaven...so the financial side was the only 'legal' duty a man is usually made to have towards his dc. I don't know if this is how you feel UnlikelyA?

I tried maybe for too long and although it resulted in violent attacks on my home, but because I was going through even worse stress with ds I didn't feel....10 days after CCTV I had to go to court to fight for my son to get a school that would hopefully get him a chance of some sort of normality and me a break as ds home 24/7 with no letup/support/break. So what I would say is it is a much less stress than having to care for your sick/disabled dc....but yes I totally get the anger bit and being left to do it alone which UnlikelyA is so very very hard for you as your situation the hardest I have ever come across.

UnlikelyA against my first advice I think putting it 'to bed' as tribpot says and well maybe just trying the once. then you know you tried...just don't make my mistake please and it then snowballs (not that your ex can just pop over on a ferry for 4 hours on his way to family/friends 'killing' 2 birds with one stone...the pun intended in my situation.

I understand the GP's thing too as the GrandM was a retired HT of a primary school 40 yrs, a long line of family teachers, members of a famous charitable trust to raise money for sick and disabled children ( they raised funds to send a girl who had autism to Florida in their local area saw it in their local newspaper) and when I asked for maintenance off ex they sided with their ds and they never saw there only gs and gc in UK again, after they spent 2 yrs building a HUGE bond with ds having him once weekly for a few hours and they made ds call GF 'daddy', GF being the only constant male in ds life...now ds has non. Ds was totally in pieces and regressed after they used their GS as a weapon by stopping contact and I am more angry towards them. But hey to produce a Narc their must be parental issues in the first place and their true colors came out when something did not go their way and dropped my ds like a hot potato! They even sent a solicitor letter with their DS (ex) saying they do not wish to have anymore contact with 'the child' again! However this letter is 'gold' to me as the child abuser will never get to lay one finger on my ds again.

Again UnlikelyA MASSIVE (((((((HUGS)))))))) I wish I could more to help you as I am tied but you and your ds are in my prayers and I hope your lovely boy's treatment continues to go well.