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Original poster

Sexual advances when asleep

45 replies

Goodbyetonsils · 03/11/2012 10:41

Dp has a habit of touching me intimately when I am asleep. By the time I wake up, I am physically aroused and stupidly sometimes this leads into sex, others it involves me slapping his hand away. However I would always make it clear to him I did NOT want him doing this again, that I am not comfortable with it. However it has continued, to the point where I cannot relax when sleeping anymore. I am hyper-aware of his presence, don't lay on my back anymore and have to face away from him and certainly cannot be affectionate/hug etc as sleeping as it ALWAYS results in him initiating sex when I am asleep again. We have had countless rows over it.

Well it happened again last night after him promising me days ago it wouldn't. He is claiming he wasn't fully awake/didn't realise he was doing it. But stupidly again by the point I woke up my body was craving more and we had sex. I am confused- is this all my fault for responding despite numerous requests for him to not begin? I am exhausted and confused.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 03/11/2012 19:19

Ladies, I'm not arguing with you - I just think that the OP isn't being clear. She's saying one thing, but when it comedown to the fact, she's demonstrating another by her actions. So, it's difficult to ascertain whether he's an asshole, or whether there is a problem with the word 'no' in this relationship.

Again, I'm not disagreeing; this is merely what I can infer from the OP.

CailinDana · 03/11/2012 19:24

So Molotov, if say you ask a friend not to put vodka in your drink, then every so often she does give you a drink with vodka, because she prefers you drunk, and you then want more drink (having got a bit squiffy), would you think "Oh well I asked for more drink, so she was right to ignore me," or would you think "why the fuck won't she listen to me!" The fact that OP responds to his advances DOES NOT negate her earlier requests for him not to do this.

Offred · 03/11/2012 19:25

It isn't difficult at all. Her "actions" are not actions of consent. Full stop. Allowing someone to have sex with you when they have aroused you whilst you were sleeping is not indicating or actual consent. Legally or otherwise. Her "actions" in acquiescing are nothing to do with it. It is despicable to suggest because she doesn't actually stop him each time it is her fault she's being hurt.

Offred · 03/11/2012 19:26

(Or her responsibility)

MolotovBomb · 03/11/2012 19:34

I just wouldn't have another drink ...

CailinDana · 03/11/2012 19:34

Basically he is instigating sex and she doesn't want him to. She has told him that and he hasn't listened. Apart from anything else it is just selfish and mean.

FromEsme · 03/11/2012 19:35

You've told him you don't want this but he continues to do it.

Would be a deal breaker for me.

CailinDana · 03/11/2012 19:35

Ok Molotov in your opinion a woman not only has to tell a man she doesn't want sex, she has to physically fight him off. I don't have the same opinion.

MolotovBomb · 03/11/2012 19:36

I'm not going to be adding any more posts now. I've said what I think and I feel that somehow, I'm being misinterpreted.

Hope that you sort it out, OP, and that you at least have understood what I mean.

CailinDana · 03/11/2012 19:38

If you're being misinterpreted then you can explain Molotov. I can't see how else to understand your posts.

Offred · 03/11/2012 19:40

You are saying because she gives in to sex sometimes this is giving him mixed signals. It isn't.

"I wouldn't have another drink" - how do you know. If you have been spiked your judgement would be impaired and you wouldn't know to compensate for it because you hadn't chosen to have that first drink.

Offred · 03/11/2012 19:51

The signal it is giving btw is that if he tries his luck and goes for full sex after touching her in her sleep (sexomnia or not), sometimes he will not be fought or argued off although she will still feel bad about it. What about that is her responsibility? It is only his, he wants to put his cock in her, he needs to make sure she wants his cock in her and he knows the standard position is she doesn't.

fuzzpig · 03/11/2012 20:17

None of this is your fault. You can't help what your body does in response to his actions. You are being coerced into sex - on no level is that ok.

I say that as someone who is perfectly happy with some types of touching while asleep - DH and I agreed on what we are and are not happy with a long time ago. Different people have different limits - that is normal. Deliberately and frequently breaking those limits is not. It just isn't.

Original poster
Goodbyetonsils · 03/11/2012 22:18

Wow thank you for you replies. I have been feeling responsible because my actions seem to give the impression it's ok- so then I feel stupid the next morning telling him again that it's not ok.

I have made it very clear on numerous occasions over the years I do not want him to do it, I have told him it makes my body crave the sex once started but I do not want him to start. He said he understood/agreed but then it just keeps happening.

I'm at a loss because other than this, I can see potential with our relationship and he is caring/goes out of his way for me and respects me. But it is becoming more and more of an issue. And as a previous poster mentioned, I cannot see how our relationship can progress to moving in together whilst this is still an issue. He is saying he'll see his GP, although I'm unsure what they can actually do.

OP posts:
Offred · 03/11/2012 22:22

Read up about the gentleman rapist op. seriously you are not to blame.

fuzzpig · 03/11/2012 22:24

Do you believe he might have this sexsomnia thing? It certainly does exist but do you actually think he's asleep when doing this? Or do you think he's just clutching at straws?

He should get himself to the doctors as I've read on here that while there's no cure, a sedative can help I think.

Offred · 03/11/2012 22:28

The gentleman rapist (power reassurance type) is about reassurance and control, he requires the illusion of a consensual relationship which is why he engineers this situation where you do not consent but he can create the illusion of consent. Literature tends to be about stranger rape and not so much about sexual abuse in relationships but I think he may be this type.

Offred · 03/11/2012 22:36

He certainly could have sexomnia which would explain the touching however it would not explain the actual sex as accusations of full sex whilst sleeping are really rare. However, if it is true and he had sexomnia why has he ignored your complaints about it to this point? This is the point that makes me feel like he just doesn't understand how wrong what he does is.

fuzzpig · 03/11/2012 22:40

I think he would would be more mortified, apologetic and embarrassed if it was truly out of his control - not getting that impression from your posts TBH - but I may be wrong.

idlevice · 03/11/2012 22:55

OP, do you know if he uses online porn? as this scenario is not unusual to find on such sites. I'm sure it's come up on MN before. I'm concerned at your phrase "over the years" - if he's had years to sort it out if it's genuinely an actual condition then why hasn't he?

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