How on earth do I get my boyfrriend to understand?

[quitesadactually]

I have changed my name for this, but I am a regular, just one who's a bit sad to admit that she's not coping as well as she thought :( I have always had trouble with eating, bulimia specifically, but have had no trouble for the best part of a year. Suddenly, all these feelings have come back and I feel really down in the dumps about it, and am severely restricying my diet. I know how bad this is for me. My problem is how to explain to my boyfriend that I may need a little space. We don't live together, but see each other lots during the week, and two nights a week we make a special effort to see each other. The other night he haerd me being sick after our meal, and I felt awful saying the food he'd cooked me had made me feel ill :( I have felt so bad since, as every time he tries to get close to me I feel so conscious of my body and I just can't believe that he finds me attractive. We have been going strong for nearly a year now, and I know we both love each other, but it seems such a challenge to reveal this side of myself to him. I guess I feel that I want my body to be my own space for a while, but how do I get this across in a way a man will understand? I don't want to seem as if I'm pushing him away, which is how I'm scared he'll interpret it :(

surely he'd support u if you told the truth .

put it this way... do you see yourself being with him for a long time? do you love him?

you will have to tell him sooner or later.. and if it were me, i'd tell him. i do know where you're coming from, and I know how bloody scary it is (similar experiences myself)... but if he's worth his salt he will stick by you, give you your space and help as much as he can

Thats the thing that makes it so hard though; I can seriously see him as being the one I spend the rest of my life with, but I just don't think that men in general get it. I can't rationalise my behaviour to myself, so I don't know how I'd explain it to someone else

my advice would be to tell him the truth.

I'm sorry your eating disorder has resurfaced I don't have any advice but it does sound like you want the space to be able to continue your vomiting without having to explain to your boyfriend. Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make you better, please tell him and get some help. Good luck!

some men do! I have one that does!
Perhaps you could write him a letter?
You don't have to go into detail right now, tell him you need a chat (or as i say, write it) and that you have had issues with eating in the past. you feel that it could be becoming a problem againa nd you need a bit of space.

you know, things really are SO different when you have someone close to you to help you through the rough patches... lean on him!

bubblerock-I'm sad to say that maybe you're right :(

qsa... did you have professional help before?

you know, i'm sure, that you can only get better if you want to... have a think about going to see your GP.

Yes, I had help before, and I felt so positive that I would never let myself get like this again, but here it is :(

don't feel bad, these things happen! and you can see it coming which is a good thing.

It's difficult with a psychological illness especially when it seems so ridiculous and illogical to you. I have a tendancy towards agorophobia/panic attacks etc.. which means I can't always do things such as go to a concert etc.. and trying to explain to other people (even family/closest friends) when you don't understand it yourself is a nightmare. Fortunately I'm doing a lot better at the moment but I know it could come back at any time just like your problem has, is there anyone in your family/friends that know of your problem?

No, my family has enough to worry about, and I'm not really close to any of them. I had a relative suffer severe anorexia so I don't really feel it would help anyone to speak about it

I think it'd be really beneficial to get a referral to a counsellor.
try and nip it in the bud, so to speak.. don't let it ruin what you have with your boyfriend.
and be honest with him, he will appreciate it!

What about online support groups/ forums like \link{http://www.something-fishy.org/online/chatenter.php\this one} at least you could chat to people going through similar problems. Obviously not instead of real life help and not instead of MN but as extra help and to stop you feeling like you are the only person in the world with an eating disorder. I remember reading a forum about agorophobic tendancies and I was so relieved to read the other peoples stories and be able to relate to the way they were feeling it actually helped me even though I didn't post and it made it easier to explain to dh, I let him read the posts from others and said 'look I'm not a freak'!

quitesadactually has something happened recently that has triggered your bulimia? Often eating disorders have a trigger, something happens and that triggers the condition, it can be under control for a long time and then a specific event can make it re-surface again. Admitting that the problem has reoccurred is the first step to dealing with it again, but I understand that it's a lot easier to admit to what is happening on an internet forum under an anonomous name than it is to admit it to those who are closest to you in rl. Do you have a counsellor? If so could you arrange some emergency counselling to help you come to terms with this again and to help you to be able to explain to your boyfriend what is going on? If he is the one you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, you will have to tell him some time, and the sooner you tell him, the sooner you can work together to get you the help/support that you need. I understand your fears of rejection if you tell him, but he may be feeling rejected as well right now, it will be easier for him to understand if you tell him why you're pushing him away, and the longer you hold off telling him, the more he may wonder why you didn't trust him/feel close enough to him to tell him sooner. You are in this together, you can fight it together, good luck xx

How are you today?

Thanks for asking x I am not so good today. No binge or purge,, just a total lack of food to make it unnecessary :( I felt really awkward around my boyfriend today, I think he senses the distance, and I think he also knows its about food because he persistently offered me the last piece of his sandwich. As to an event that has triggered this, I honestly don't know. I wonder if it has osmething to do with the time of year because this is when I was ill last year too. My brother goes through the same thing with depression, he starts to get low in October without really understanding why. The horrible thing is though that I have absolutely no appetite I have literally not eaten in five days, which scares me because I really feel that its beyond my control.

I know this thread is a bit old but I just wanted to to ask . Is it possible that the return of the bulimia is connected to the fact that you and your boyfriend are gettting closer? I don't have bulimia but I do binge eat and that often shows itself when I am experiencing fear in realationships - fear of intimacy that is. I know it sounds weird but it is my way of trying to sabotage a good thing. My thinking goes a bit like this (though it is all subconscious)...

'Well I think I really like him so how can I make sure I don't get hurt - oh I know I'll do my thing - that should put him off and then I don't have to deal with being close to him and the risks that involve - like being hurt etc..' - Mad thinking really

You need to be completely honest with your boyfriend about your past and the eating problems you have or have had and once that. Afterall if you want a future with this man he needs to know about you 'warts and all'.

Then you may want to get some professional help to get through this as once old behaviour rears it's head again it can be hard to get it under control again.