Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

So is it strictly forbidden to mention marriage/weddings at ALL in a new relationship?

19 replies

GrottyQualityStreets · 02/11/2012 09:24

Last night a red wedding dress came on the tv. I casually said "oh, my relative wore a burgundy wedding dress, it was lovely" - my boyfriend (of 4 months) visibly tensed up, muttered "umm" followed by an awkward silence ...

It was only a throw away comment! is it not the done thing to mention weddings/marriages etc when you're in a new relationship or was he just being weird?

OP posts:

Trills · 02/11/2012 09:25

Of course it's not forbidden.

What authority could it be forbidden by?

The What-to-talk-about-in-a-new-relationship Police?

WhoNickedMyName · 02/11/2012 09:38

I think his response might have been the same if you'd said "my relative wore a lovely burgundy dress like that to a party".

You're talking about dresses, he's a man, chances are he's not interested in burgundy dresses no matter what the occasion . I think you're over thinking this.

What would a "good" response from him have been?

MarjorieAntrobus · 02/11/2012 09:59

If he was a relaxed kind of person, he could've said, "Did she? That's quite unusual because most brides wear white, don't they?"

Either he cannot talk dresses (as whonicked said) or he thinks you are moving in for the "big talk".

Acshully, I think he sounds a wee bit immature.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/11/2012 10:04

Discussing your own plans for marriage this early would definitely be a bad sign, but mentioning someone else's wedding in context... nah, if he's got a problem with that, he's got problems!

Maybe he was badly frightened as a toddler by a burgundy dress (Personally, having been brought up on gothic horrors, I think such things look best on vampires.)

AuntieStella · 02/11/2012 10:08

What were you watching?

I think a bit of context is important here. If you'd been in silence all evening until a wedding dress appeared, very much as the focus of whatever the programme/ad was; then a reasonable person might well see the comment as loaded, even if it was purely inadvertent on your part.

If it was a minor part of something you'd been watching and chatting about all evening, then you'd expect him to chat back as he had been doing all evening. Which might include just going "umm" because he has no fashion vocabulary.

But - for you to have seen and noted his facial expression, you must have turned away from the screen and looked him full in the face. That may have been more concerning to him than the words.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/11/2012 10:26

Or maybe he was just thinking about something completely different, didn't really hear your remark, and thought "uh-oh, looks like I'm expected to say something here, wonder what she said?" Maybe he'd just had a blinding flash of inspiration concerning the answer to world peace, sustainable pollution-free energy or the cure for the common cold, and your remark about dresses drove it completely out of his head. There are a lot of possibilities.

I am inexorably reminded of this scenario (don't ask me why it's on a horse forum, other than that a figurative horse gets a passing mention; I remembered it from somewhere and this is what Google offered).

Anniegetyourgun · 02/11/2012 10:28

Or... (on a roll here) he was just thinking "my god, that woman looks hot in that dress", and started guiltily when he heard the voice of his real-life girlfriend.

MarjorieAntrobus · 02/11/2012 10:32

Hey annie, that was a funny link.

Also the hot woman in burgundy dress is also plausible.

VolumeOfACone · 02/11/2012 10:37

I told DH on our third date we should get married.

ethelb · 02/11/2012 10:40

Oh ffs. Women who come on here and complain their partner won't marry them are told its their fault for not bringing marriage up sooner/instantly/from the outset.

However, I think he is a bloke who doesn't want to talk dresses.

Dahlen · 02/11/2012 10:49

Volume clearly it wasn't a topic your DH thought should be forbidden then.

I've discussed marriage with newish partners on a hypothetical basis applied to the actual institution of marriage rather than a "shall we get married" one. It doesn't hurt to know if they are pro or anti marriage and to see how they view commitment generally. Same goes for children.

Any guy that can't see that this is a relevant topic of conversation in the braod sense and doesn't mean you want to get married and pop out a child next week is someone who probably does have commitment issues or is a little immature IMO.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 02/11/2012 10:51

DH asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years' time! This was about our 4th date, and we'd had a few drinks. I was a bit surprised, but told him I hoped to be married and considering children soon, but if that hadn't worked out I'd hope to be doing X at work, seeing loads of my nephews and nieces etc.

It was an unexpected early-date conversation, but made sure we were both on the same page. He was late-30s, I was early 30s, and we really liked each other - if he or I had said we were planning to move abroad, for example, it would have put us on notice that our fledgling relationship might not be a goer.

anniewoo · 02/11/2012 11:49

Annie that was laugh out loud stuff!
And i did.. To the bemusemdny of tbe guy parked next to me in the car park.

OhEmGee25 · 02/11/2012 11:57

Oh Blimey we talk about marriage, weddings and babies all the time. I hint all the time . We've only been together ten months but this sort of chat probably came up around the 5 month mark, then initiated by HIM at about 6 months. You're bloke is probably stumped at a fashion related conversation!

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 02/11/2012 12:12

Bloody hell, get yourself a hobby! You will hurt yourself if you start overanalysing every conversation with a little flashing light in your head going 'Will he marry me? Will he marry me?' all the time.

He was almost certainly thinking about something else and your comment made him jump, that's all.

Kundry · 02/11/2012 17:30

When me and DH had been going out 4 months it was the Royal Wedding so it proved fairly unavoidable. I tried not mentioning it but we had gone for a weekend break - and every single shop/restaurant/bus shelter had a wedding related display.

Well, it broke the 'wedding talk' barrier for us bigstyle. And this turned out to be a good thing as nobody really wants to waste their time on something going nowhere do they?

JustFabulous · 02/11/2012 17:41

I think it means nothing about your relationship and just shows he isn't interested in womens clothes.

Dettmann · 07/11/2012 05:15

I would feel strange also.

MortimersRaven · 07/11/2012 07:55

PMSL at this thread.

Years ago I had a big row with an ex who was messing me around. He wasn't behaving in a committed way and in fact I think this was the occasion when he'd disappeared for a week before rocking up on my doorstep like nothing had happened. I was seriously contemplating ending things, but was torn because I loved him - and at 20 you don't always have the life experience to make the best decisions. We had this huge barney and in the end I told him everything; how he'd made me feel, how hurt I was yet again, what I wanted from him and the relationship.

He went very quiet and serious, and thought for a long time. I was so glad he was finally listening to how I felt and taking it in. After a long silence, I asked 'what are you thinking?' and he replied:

'I wonder what dog food tastes like?'

Flip