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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my best friend is trying to drop me ? What to do ?

20 replies

Norah · 30/03/2006 20:21

Sorry guys - long story ! Am tearing my hair out and just don't know what to do ! Advice gladly received !
Ok - best female friend - been close friends for 21 years - has been hard at times as have lived far apart for most of it - but up till now has been give and take - probably only meet up once a quarter - but on phone often. used to do shared holidays etc - but her dh bit of an arse and also he works away in week - so weekends have been a bit sacred and so hard to meet up in last 3 yrs or so.

About two years ago she decided that she wanted to separate from her dh - not wholly unexpected as he really wasn't a great choice - anyway at the time I was not working and my dd hadn't started school - so I whizzed down to her house and spent a week consoling/advising etc. After about 4 weeks she decided to give him second chance - I totally supported her in this and all was well.

She is now working full time again, like me, so it is hard to organise meetings - but to be honest she has prioritised others over me - at half term she wouldn't arange anything as her "friend" was meant to be coming - so she put me off and off until I had to make arrangements for childcare - and by the time she said "come" I couldn't as dd was in a playscheme that week. Tried to get her to book Easter visit - but again she couldn't amke plans - blaming circumstances again !

About 6 weeks ago she called to say that she was getting a divorce ! Again not entirely unexpected - but as I am now back at work and dd is in school I just could not go and see her. Not sure whether she has the hump about this - or something else but - long shot is that we have only been talking by text - I keep asking if she'll be in tonight and she says Yes - but then she doesn't pick up phone !

Icing on the cake is that I bought her a Take That ticket for her b'day - and she has just texted to say that she can't make it now due to "circumstances" !

Half of me says "sod her" but we were I thought soul mates and are godmothers to each others kids !

What do you all reckon ? Worth fighting for ?? If so how ? Or give up ?

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 30/03/2006 20:27

Step back and give her some space for a while
Sometimes these relationships ebb and flow

busybusybee · 30/03/2006 20:34

Could you ask her to talk to you about why she always fobs you off - hard but maybe essential

Either that or back off - the current situation isnt good for your hair :o

HTH

Nikkinoo · 30/03/2006 20:34

Poor you, she may just be feeling all over the place regarding her personal circumstances. Feel for you as youve got alot of years experiences etc.Its a shame about take that.

IMO its always worth fighting for, i would rather loose my man than my best friend really

hugeheadofhair · 30/03/2006 20:36

Sorry to hear this Norah! 21 years you don't really want to throw away, but it does seem like she is avoiding you a bit. Could you confront her about it, in a nice way? Use I-messages (telling her how you feel with her behaviour, rather than acusing her of letting you drop), or you could even suggest you won't call her until she is ready to call you again, in a supportive way. It could be completely innocent in that she is very busy sorting her new life out and just has to prioritise differently than before, or that it is taking so much energy that she can't make the effort to maintain long-distance friendships at the moment. I really hope that you are not about to lose a longtime friend. Goodluck

Original poster
Norah · 30/03/2006 21:28

Thanks everyone - I just feel so abandoned really ! I've always been there for her and now she is just dropping me !

She's always been one of those people who has "new best friends" - but she always kept in touch with me too !

In some ways I feel that she is a bit of a drama queen - she loves a drama - her last "new best friend£ had breast cancer and she thrived on it - and the one before that was a widow - her husband killed himself and my bf was first on her doorstep !

Maybe I am just too boring ? Maybe I need to get my own life - but this is 21 years I'm throwing away !

Lat saw her at Xmas and she was totally weird - of the 4 of them she gave me back 3 pressies - 1 didn't fit, 2 she already had ! Most ungracious and so not like her ! At the time I put it down to stress over her husband - but maybe she just hates me now - MOVE ON NORAH I hear you say !

OP posts:
nicolajc · 31/03/2006 09:00

hello norah
this sounds so simular to my so called best friend but very differnt cicumstances we have known each other since we were 4 now we are 25 all through out our teens we were inseprable only lived doors away from each other when i met my one and only true love at 17he was happy for my bf to hang out with us as he knew how important our friend ship was we used to see take that and boyzone together camped out side the NEC all night for tickets it was brilliant some of the best years of my life. when i was 19 me and my boyfriend moved in toghether about a 10 min walk from my mom and dads it was then our relationship started to suffer then i fell pregnant my bf (vicky) was over the moon as we both went to college together and qualified to work with children when i was 20 ds was born vicky came round and agored him then our friendship was getting back on track.

Then where we were living the landlord sold it out from underneath us so we had to move out backinto my mom and dads we seen vicky allthe time then. we then decided to christen our ds and vicky was godmother at the same time her mother past away from cancer i wa sthere for her cradling her and supporting her, i put her before my own family,then when we moved out we stated losing touch again we had a big argument and lost touch for about 9 months in that time ouf ds got diagnosed with autism i then decided to get in touch with vicky and make amends we have been intouch again for the last 2 years but she has no idea how to talk to our ds just because he has autism she practually ignores him. she has said its only autism whats the big deal!!!!!!!!!!

when it was announced take that back in concert i phoned her and she said she was to grown up for that sort of stuff!!!!!!!!!! My dh offered to come with me but i wouldnt put him through it!!
I have now come to the conclusion that we have simply out grown each other in all aspects of her life when i have supported her she has never repaid me that kindness back she still lives at home with her dad and i have my own familt now.

It may sound harsh but you have your own family to concentarate on dont make the same mistake as me and be their for her as when the time comes will she be there to repay it back to you, maybe you should look at making new friends with the people around you that you know you can reliy on
some people just stamp on our kindness.

best wishs to you you need a real friend xx

soopermum1 · 31/03/2006 12:33

i occassionally go thru similar things with my best friend. we've been friends for 13 years but we fall out quite a lot then won't speak for months. she was desperate to be my DS's godmother but after careful thought i chose my mum instead coz i knew we were always falling out. as it turns out, she arrived late for the christening anyway (she's late for everything but thought she might've made the effort for the christening Angry

we've now fallen out again and i'm quite prepared just to sit back, can't be bothered with all this crap, maybe it'll come good, maybe it won't but i'm not going to fret about it in the meantime.

i think give your friend some space and see if she comes back to you

g

robin3 · 31/03/2006 13:08

I don't think she's trying to abandon you...think she's trying to make a protest in a bit of an immature way.

You need to resolve this for you not for her. My experience of similar situations has taught me that by feeling sad but dealing with it in an angry way only makes me feel worse. Ignoring it probably won't work either. Maybe send her a joke thing that refers to your feeling like you've been dumped....not sure what but anything that will make her smile, or a note that says that you know she's having a hard time and you'd like to be able to help if you can.

It'll make you feel better and if you always treat her with dignity and respect then you'll feel a whole lot better regardless of the way she treats you. Moral high ground in other words. Arguements and sulking only work with people you see frequently enough to make sure they can be cleared up...otherwise silence can rein for years!

shellybelly · 31/03/2006 14:19

I would come right out and ask her what the problem is if there is one, after 21yrs I think you should both be able to be honest and up front with each other, shame to end a friendship after that amount of time (the memories you must both have!) really hope you get it sorted Smile

Original poster
Norah · 05/04/2006 21:17

Hi again,

Sorry to resurrect this thread but.....

Have been trying to phone friend all week - and either she is screening me out (has caller display) or is genuinely out all the time - including in evenings when kids will be in bed !

Anyway - have just had email from her xdh and he told me she is seeing another man !

Am so shocked - not about the man - more that she hasn't told me !

This really means that I am dumped doesn't it ?

OP posts:
Dior · 05/04/2006 21:21

Probably more like she doesn't want to be 'judged' by anyone. (Not saying that you would). Is she one of those friends who drops her girl friends when a man is on the horizon?

redbull · 05/04/2006 21:21

I would just leave it if i was you and wait for her to get in touch make some new friends that you have more things in common with.
sadlySadold friends grow apart as we get older as each of our priorities change.

Original poster
Norah · 05/04/2006 21:24

I'm not short of friends - it's just that we have been friends for so bloody long that she feels like a sister !

Am so gutted that she hasn't confided in me - just very very sad

OP posts:
Dior · 05/04/2006 21:25

Understandable. Maybe she is slightly embarassed?

throckenholt · 05/04/2006 21:30

I would give her a few weeks to get her head around her current life (maybe she is just in very deep with new man and can't think if anyone else at present).

since you are godmother to her kids then you have a good excuse to keep in touch with the kids (any birthdays coming up , or maybe send Easter cards to the kids ?).

Keep in touch but keep it low key and let her come round when she is ready.

Original poster
Norah · 05/04/2006 21:32

Oooh thanks - good idea Throckenholt - I do send them Easter presents anyway - better get act together !

Think I might drop her a card too - along the lines of "I am so sorry that you don't want to talk to me as I really wanted to support you through this"

Too much do you think ?

OP posts:
Dior · 05/04/2006 21:33

I wouldn't mention it Norah. Just send the cards, then the ball is in her court.

Mytwopenceworth · 05/04/2006 22:10

I think you have to take the hint, tbh. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to pursue an active friendship with you right now. That doesn't mean you have 'done' anything. It could very well be that she is trying to make a fresh start and right now, you remind her too much of her past. Or she might feel she doesnt have the energy to maintain a long distance friendship. Maybe you two have simply drifted apart. There are so many 'possibles' that your head would spin clear off your shoulders and out the window trying to list them!
If there is something, she obviously doesnt want to tell you. maybe she will get in touch at some point, but if this was me, i would withdraw gracefully. Maybe a card saying 'you know where I am if you need me, xxx' then just get on with your life. If you have to fight the other half of a friendship to keep said friendship going, I dont think you have much of one really!!

Gemmitygem · 06/04/2006 05:15

norah, sorry you're going through this. I agree with others here that it's more about her than it is about you or your rel with her. She seems to be going through a lot of stuff, and sounds a bit self-absorbed. I doubt she's being a good friend to anyone right now. I would keep calling and contacting (but not all the time, give her space), be there, but don't expect too much from her at the moment, and see your other friends/spend time with family etc.

I have old friends like this, some I've really grown apart from and never see, one I had a rift with but now it's better than ever. So it is ebb and flow, inevitable I suppose. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done I know) and see what happens... best of luck!

throckenholt · 06/04/2006 07:42

put in the card - "as ever - you know where I am if you need me"

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