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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure how to handle the silence

22 replies

lulutherapies · 01/11/2012 23:06

I posted last week. my partner of 5 years drinking, became abusive in front of me and 14 year old daughter about 3 weeks ago, I had to call police. Didn't press charges, just asked for him to be removed as wouldn't leave and upsetting my daughter. We don't live together. Tried to get him a taxi but he wouldn't, called his 65 year old father to help, he wouldn't, so third option to resort to police. Not seen him since. No charges made, I didn't make a statement. However I have texted him I am sorry that I had to call police but he gave me no choice and I hope we can sort things out. We share a dog and my daughter loves him as well as me. But he was f-ing and blinding including c word in front of my daughter (all over nothing, just too drunk and winds himself up) and punched me in the arm to try and get me out of (my) lounge as he wanted to sleep on the sofa. Anyway, I've texted him everyday that it's ok. We forgive him and he must forgive me too, but life is too short for this silence... Up until the incident we were very much in love, made love every day... just his drinking too frequently and too much. I can't bear the silence though and don't really have any family to confide in. What is he thinking of me? What should I do? I am not coping very well with this. Thank you.

OP posts:

deleted203 · 01/11/2012 23:10

Don't text him again. He is an arsehole who was in the wrong. How dare he behave so badly at YOUR house in front of YOUR daughter? How dare he punch you and refuse to leave, after upsetting your DD? I think you are remarkably forgiving and that he owes you a major apology. Stop texting him begging him to forgive you and telling him life is too short for this silence. I would let him make the next move. And I doubt he is thinking about you....he is thinking about himself. You deserve better than this. If he does truly love you he needs to get help with his drinking.

aimingtobeaperfectionist · 01/11/2012 23:13

He should be the one trying to apologise. Stop texting him, respect yourself more and show your daughter it is not acceptable to be treated like this.

honeysmummy1 · 01/11/2012 23:13

Please have nothing more to do with this man. You have a daughter to bring up she is your number one priority. This man has problems and the only one that can help him is himself. It doesnt matter if he was drunk when he hit you, he still hit you!
get yourself out there and meet new people, somehow! you can do better than a no good drunk. think of your little one

tribpot · 01/11/2012 23:17

What the fuck are you forgiving him for? Seriously?

My guess is he knows the silence is doing your head in and it will make you ever more desperate to please when he does finally get back in touch with you.

I've texted him everyday that it's ok

This is profoundly not okay. He's a violent drunk who verbally and physically assaulted you in front of a child. Use this silent time to work out why you're prepared to put up with this, and whether you'd feel the same if it was your dd who was in such a miserable relationship.

HellonHeels · 01/11/2012 23:21

I'm so sorry OP but this man is a disgrace. He punched you in front of your daughter and was swearing and drunk?

Is that the example you want for your daughter of what a partner should be?

Please don't contact him any more. You and your daughter both should have so much better than this.

JudeFawley · 01/11/2012 23:23

Have some dignity and move on.

Original poster

lulutherapies · 01/11/2012 23:26

thank you everyone. I suspect he is mortified about what he has done, hence no contact - he adores my daughter and is probably highly embarrassed she saw him like this. I expected an apology and we haven't had one which is very disappointing and upsetting, even a simple bloody text as a matter of principle (my principles obviously, not his). I am soft, worried he might be very low about this and go down the slippery slope. Just felt life too short for someone I've cared for to feel they can't talk to me. Wanted to keep the lines of communication going. thanks. it does give strength to get honest answers like these especially when I haven't got family to talk to... thanks.

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/11/2012 23:31

I suspect you are being far too charitable about his motives. He is unintentionally doing you a favour by keeping away from you - please seize this opportunity before he realises he can easily find his way back into your life and the situation continues to escalate. Your dd needs to see this behaviour is unacceptable.

Bobyan · 01/11/2012 23:49

You're teaching your daughter that being treated like shit is ok, is that really what you want?

lucyellenmum · 01/11/2012 23:57

Delete his number, delete him from your and your DDs life and move on - he hit you FFS

CogitoErgoSparklers · 02/11/2012 07:24

" I suspect he is mortified about what he has done, hence no contact"

You're the only one who seems mortified here. There can be no lines of communication with someone who has assaulted you physically and verbally. All the time you are begging him to get in touch he will read that as approval on your part.... carte blanche to keep behaving the way he has been. At what point would you not forgive him? When you're in hospital? Drunks make their bed and they lie in it. Look after yourself and your DD, stop trying to get in touch and be very grateful this nasty piece of work is now out of your life.

CogitoErgoSparklers · 02/11/2012 07:27

You might want to listen to Tina Nash's Story recently broadcast on Womans Hour. You may not have been attacked as viciously as she was but listen to the reasons why she kept letting a violent man back in her life - reasons she now regrets - and you may find you recognise some of the sentiments.

pictish · 02/11/2012 07:30

To put this bluntly OP...if you are pleadiung with him to come back into your life after that abysmal performance from him, you are fucked.

It's all wrong. You have somehow ended up with a warped view of what is acceptable.

raskolnikov · 02/11/2012 07:30

OP I'm amazed you're giving this piece of shit the time of day.

If someone behaved like that in front of my DD, they'd be out of the door, no texts, no "its ok", nothing.

Is it OK for your DD to see this behaviour as acceptable? If she gets treated like this in future, will you tell her to beg the guy to come back?

Get a grip.

pictish · 02/11/2012 07:32

Is it OK for your DD to see this behaviour as acceptable? If she gets treated like this in future, will you tell her to beg the guy to come back?

Quite.

Missdee76 · 02/11/2012 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daffydowndilly · 02/11/2012 08:41

Lulu I thought you posted last week, that you were definitely broken up and you were putting your daughter's needs first? A problem like 'just his drinking' is not a small problem, and it will all get worse if you go chasing him to forgive you. You are displaying classic codependent thinking, and the situation you find yourself in will not get better as long as you put your needs and wants last.

Just imagine this is not your life you are describing, but your daughter in 15 years time. She will learn this is a normal relationship. It is not. But you are now teaching your daughter to say sorry and I forgive you, to an abusive, violent drunk, who hasn't even said sorry!!!!!

So you have two choices, either continue with this because your self esteem is so low you can't live without him, and you will likely screw up your daughter. Or get yourself down to Al Anon, learn about codependency and learn to love yourself and that your value is not dependent on a drunk. And no where in that paragraph have I said leave the bastard, but at least change the way you are thinking about this situation. He will not stop drinking or behaving like this because you love him, in fact you are handing him carte blanche to get worse and have no consequences, as there are no boundaries.

And you will not listen to me, or any of the other posters. I know that because I have been there. And it will get worse. I know because I was there too and have the huge emotional scars to prove it.

Original poster

lulutherapies · 02/11/2012 09:02

Thanks all. Thanks daffydown. I am with al-anon, very helpful and I have no deep desire to see him, just felt a real need to hear from him because in truth I think it is to hear him admit he has done wrong, apologise and part as friends, no anger towards me for calling police. he did in fact text me last night, not with apology so I have ignored . I realise there have been self esteem issues with this situation and I need to be bigger than this. I can be. I called the police to make a stand thus showing my daughter his behaviour must not be tolerated and do feel a huge sense of relief.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2012 09:09

"I am with al-anon, very helpful and I have no deep desire to see him, just felt a real need to hear from him because in truth I think it is to hear him admit he has done wrong, apologise and part as friends, no anger towards me for calling police"

So you want him to apologise and then from that to have a sense of closure. Well that is not going to happen ever let alone any time soon. He will never apologise to you because at heart he does not think he has done anything wrong.

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. Codependency often arises in the situation you describe. From that I would also suggest you have sole counselling to build up your own self worth and at the same time unlearning all the damaging relationship lessons you have learnt over the years.

Put your own self and that of your child first for a change. Not this person. You are not here to rescue and or save others who do not want to be helped or saved.

daffydowndilly · 02/11/2012 10:20

Lulu I empathise with how you are feeling, and I also want nothing more than my ex to admit to me what he has done. My reality is that he is continuing his stinking behaviour towards all of us, and the further I distance myself from our relationship the more I realise he wasn't even nice to me during our marriage. I wanted so badly to make it work, that I prostituted my own needs and wants for his, and magnified x100 the 'nice' things about him. A relationship with a drunk just leads to insane behaviour and thinking from his/her partner!

It is interesting how different the tones of your two posts are. I get those swings of emotions about it all too, especially when I am tired. But you are strong and confident and clear thinking in your latest post!

Original poster

lulutherapies · 02/11/2012 13:39

Thank you Attila. Thanks daffydown, yes definitely the swings of emotions and hate for anything to be left unresolved but thanks to al-anon and mumsnet now realise I must detach, step away and expect nothing, nor want anything from him. thanks.

OP posts:

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 02/11/2012 13:56

He won't apologise. You are thinking about the man you loved, who was nice to you, but that man doesn't exist. The REAL man is the violent drunk who attacked you.

Don't have anything more to do with him, and start to work on yourself. You need to lose some crappy ideas you have taken on board, such as a woman needs a man in her life, that women need to please men in order for the men to behave decently, that 'love' can conquer everything. Those ideas are all wrong.

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