I've told him...

[Coconutter]

... That I want to separate. I don't expect sympathy, given that a huge part of it was my fault, but I'm a bit of a mess. I feel like I'm living in some sort of nightmare. He just wants everything to be fine but it won't be. We've had this conversation three times before and every time I've stayed and thought it could get better, but it didn't. I've told him I didn't know what we'd both end up wanting but we couldn't carry on like we were or it definitely wouldn't have worked. I feel like the bitch of the century. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure there is one.

Sorry you are going through this. It is hard, but being married is for a very looooong time and sometimes it just doesn't work out. I presume you were happy and in love when you married him, but it doesn't automatically mean that you will still have the same feelings some way down the line. That is life.

Oh Coconutter, first of all, well done for taking the plunge, it takes great strength to do so, and it is something I am battling with at the moment. I have just posted a massive rant on another thread about how I need to make a move in one direction or another. I recognise your name and you have given me / I have read good advice from you on other threads on this subject.

I'm not surprised you are a mess, it is heart-rending to end a relationship, even if you have made the initial decision to do so, and try not to feel bad, or guilty. If neither of you are happy you are doing the right thing, even though I bet it doesn't feel like it right now.

What happens now for you? Is he moving out or are you? Do you have a Plan A and Plan B?

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts x

Sometimes there is only the 'least worst option' rather than a 'good option'. You sound like you've given it several chances, you've been honest that it's not working and that's all you can reasonably do. The 'right thing' now is to make the break as cleanly, quickly and fairly as possible.... not call yourself a bitch.

Thanks. I can't help feeling like that, though, given there was an OM involved (who was a close friend but now thinks I'm the devil incarnate and can't bear to be in the same room as me). I recognise now what the issues were and I dealt with them in completely the wrong way . I massively regret the pain I have caused DH and also, selfishly, the pain OM has caused me. I just need some space to sort my head out without DH being left hanging on.

((hugs))

If you have regrets you have a conscience. If you made mistakes it means you're human. You cannot change the past however, just do the best you can with the future.

Thank you. I am trying. I'm not sure sure what to do now - obviously find somewhere to stay, but what next??

I can't remember if you have got kids coconutter, or if you are married? If so, maybe half an hour with a solicitor?

Does DP know about OM?

Sorry, just noticed you referred to him as DH not DP. Do you have to do anything yet? Will there be issue with assets and a house? If not, maybe give yourself a bit of time to take everything in.

After you've moved out, give him some time to get used to your absence and then see if you can talk together maturely about what to do next. Are there DCs involved? Do you think he'll be cooperative?

No, no kids. I'm not sure if we'll divorce - god, that's one hell of a scary word - I just know we need to separate then see what's what. He says he doesn't understand and I think he's hoping it'll all just go away. Never thought I'd be here and neither did he.

We own a house (mortgaged). What would be likely to happen to that?

I have no idea, but would suggest a free half an hour with a solicitor, which should answer your questions about the practicalities.

I don't think you should see yourself as a bitch for ending the marriage in these circumstances. I think you're setting him free to find someone who loves him more, which is a good and kind thing. Relationships break up and people get over them.

Now you've done the difficult bit though, please don't draw this out or make it more dramatic and heart-rending than it needs to be. Stick with your decision and don't give him any hope that you might change your mind. Be careful that you're not over-dramatising how permanently damaging this might be to your husband because that really won't be the case. He will be happy again one day and so will you. But don't toy with him.

It gets easier..... well done, i remember your name now. Glad you've told him. It wouldn't start feeling right if it doesn't feel right now. you wouldn't have woken up one day and felt oh everything's alright now, so, well done.

He has loaded a lot of guilt and responsibility on to you from what I remember. Yeah it's tough to be the one doing the breaking up when the other one doesn't want it, but if he's had his eyes open this hasn't come out of the blue. You haven't ended this on a whim. It hasn't felt right for you for a while, and you tried. You have felt responsible for his happiness, and now you feel guilty about the pain the break up will cause him, but it has to be done, and you are not a bitch, just to second that. Definitely not.

How can I do this?? It's utterly terrifying!! I want a trial separation. AIBU to ask for this..? If I go, it may or may not work out between us. If I stay, I'm pretty certain it won't work out. I need that space - but as Beth says, I don't want to mess him around.

You're not being fair on him at all if you ask for a trial separation. You'd be giving him false hope. After Liz's comments I looked up your other threads and see this has been going on for ages. I don't really understand why he's been trying to stay in this marriage after you hurt him so badly- fear of change probably. I do get the impression that you don't want him, but you don't want him to get over you and start a new life. If so, that's so unfair.

By the sound of it you are clear about needing to go. I know it feels like it but it's not really such a massive big deal - people separate and divorce all the time. It's just a sad fact that many relationships don't last, people change. That's nothing to feel guilty about.

YOu need to look for a place to rent for a bit while you get clear on what you want to do. (and he does)

Re the house its value will be split 50:50 - he can either buy you out or sell and you take your half.

I've told him I think we should separate on the understanding that either of us can move on. I would never expect him to hang around for me - hence me moving out to leave him free if he wants to be with someone else while I sort my head out. He is adamant that he won't ever want anyone else but I can't expect him to promise me that. I want to tell people and get stuff sorted ASAP so that it's not dragged out. Feel like I'm in some sort of dream and it's not really happening.

I think he will continue to say that until he believes that you MEAN it. At the moment there is still hope and he's clinging to that because that's less scary than contemplating starting again. But he will get over this!

I think it would be kinder to actively dissuade him from that, as opposed to saying you can't expect him to promise continued devotion. Can you see the difference?

It's up to him whether after a sensible period of grief, he refuses to move on and as long as you don't encourage that in any way, you can live with yourself.

I think once you go public, move out and start making things more final it will resolve things for you as much as him.

Yes, make it clear that he is free. he is 100% free. He may not feel like racing into a relationship but he IS free to if he wants to and that's his decision at his pace. Don't leave even a suggestion of waiting for each other out there. You are both separate agents now. Maybe separate agents who can't face dating or looking or even thinking like that! (yet) but separate none the less.