what is a sexual assault?

[applebough]

Just that question really?
Is it an assault if it was just something really unsavoury that you didn't like?
Is it an assault when you can't react because prior experience tells you that this will create a massive row and you can't risk waking dcs?

'Is it an assault if it was just something really unsavoury that you didn't like?'

I'm sorry, I've not read past this.

It is appallingly sad that you say 'just' something you didn't like.

There's no 'just' about it. If you didn't like something, and your partner carried on regardless, that is assault. No question about it. It is your responsibility to secure the consent of someone you're with. It is their responsibility to secure your consent.

If you are only agreeing to something because you are afraid that the other person will get angry and aggressive if you refuse - or carry on and do it anyway - then that's definitely abuse. It was not your fault.

Is this shitbag out of your life now?

LRD How true- 'just' is a stupid word!
solid yes, out, ages ago!
cogito just can't tell.
In the case of something at work, groping etc, or something as obvious as an unwanted penis being thrust on you in any way, (no pun intended) or saying no and someone carrying on, it seems so clear cut.
Other behaviours, in a relationship- where do they fit? i.e. do any of these count as assault or abuse on their own? Not saying any happened to me, btw, from friends' experiences....
abuse if you say no
pinning down
refusal to use protection
using objects
hands on neck
threatening language e.g. 'I'm going to...'
unwanted fantasy talk, e.g. violent fantasy, rape fantasy
dirty talk that is 'against you' e.g. you filthy c*
hand over mouth

do any of these count as assault or abuse on their own

abuse if you say no Yes
pinning down Not necessarily, you might like it
refusal to use protection Yes
using objects Not necessarily, you might like it
hands on neck Not necessarily, you might like it
threatening language e.g. 'I'm going to...' depends
unwanted fantasy talk, e.g. violent fantasy, rape fantasy unwanted is key Yes
dirty talk that is 'against you' e.g. you filthy c* depends
hand over mouth Not necessarily, you might like it

Yes onemorechap I take your point.
How about if you don't like it, eg. you say 'I don't like it when you...' and then it is continued?
Or you like things up to a point, but no further?
Re: 'unwanted'- how could the other person tell it was unwanted if you didn't say no?

All of those are abusive if they're done without consent. Some can be part of a happy sex-life, but any can become abusive.

Plus, I believe in the model of enthusiastic consent - ie. yes means yes as well as no means no. Unless your partner is well-up-for-it and enthusiastic, you shouldn't be doing it.

If you say I don't like it, I'd suggest that was withdrawing consent.

You don't have to say no. The other person has to either have consent or reasonable belief in consent.

How can you tell if someone doesn't want another cup of tea or to continue a conversation without them saying so? They move their cup away, put a hand over, avoid eye contact, turn away, glaze over, etc etc - most people can easily recognise these signals. It's funny (not haha) how in sexual contexts moving away or passivity is interpreted as yes, whereas in other circumstances people have no trouble with understanding.

Sorry to keep asking questions! What about context, eg a context where someone can't clearly make a fuss, e.g. staying with in laws, in someone else's house, in public, not wanting to wake children etc?

It's still without consent. That circumstances force the person to stay quiet doesn't mean they are suddenly consenting. It's on the person initiating whatever act to make sure their partner is happily consenting, not to opportunistically coerce them.

Honestly, it's quite easy...
I got all wound up a year ago, {virtual pearl clutching} asking if I had to say "May I have sexual intercourse with you" or something.

No as dequoisagitil says - it's obvious.

"What about context, eg a context where someone can't clearly make a fuss"

You can whisper the word 'no' and you should expect that to be respected.

Well, I didn't so I guess I deserved it :(

What do you mean, you deserved it? Enough with the self-pity, eh? We keep telling you that, if you were not in agreement, felt coerced, pressurised or were only a reluctant participant... it was ABUSE. All this stuff about not wanting to make a fuss is a little beside the point. You shouldn't have had to make a fuss. Your sexual partner should have respected you at all times. An abuser will carry on abusing and exploit the conditions accordingly

No No NO love, you did not DESERVE It. Look, a few very sane sensible experts in this field have pointed out that this stuff about 'not understanding the signals' is rapists' bullshit. They are perfectly capable of understanding that a stranger doesn't want to talk to them, or that someone doesn't particularly want to let them queue jump or that a colleague is not happy to cover for them when they want to get off early. This person clearly took advantage of the fact that it would be difficult for you to force him to stop or shout at him to pack it in. THat's abuse. He's an arse.

The onus isn't on you to say no or struggle free or scream the place down, it is on him to make sure you're happy and want it as much as he does.

If he waits until situations where it's difficult for you to reject his advances, he is opportunistic and manipulative.

I wish I could say what it was but think could be easily seen, ie if someone was reading. It was an abusive relationship and only now can I see the extent of it, particularly the grooming element. Suffice to say that when I called him on it the next day he said 'we' were responsible for letting the relationship deteriorate to the point where he 'felt like he could do that to me.' and I suppose there is a point in that, but what I recall is that each time I put up a boundary- e.g I don't like this, that's not ok with me, it just collapsed eventually- through fear of the repercussions, eg anger, sulking, dumping, moods etc. Over two and a bit years.
Wish only that I had walked away sooner- felt I had invested too much to begin with, then later just thought I wasn't worth more.

Classic abuser bullshit. He's a shit. You didn't do anything wrong. You were targeted by a predator.

Now look, whatever it was, it doesn't matter, (well, unless it was doing something majorly harmful to another innocent party which I'm sure it wasn't). It doesn't make you a bad person that you got pushed into doing it by a predator. Who would have targeted you as a vulnerable person, they can smell it.

Being worn down until it's easier to put up with something than to resist doesn't make it your fault in any way. It's not a case of you being partially responsible for his abuse - he chose to do it.