Aargh my mother is an interfering old witch

[FrannyandZooey]

I have already bored various people with this, but need to vent some more to stop myself from ringing my mother about it.

It's ds' birthday in a week's time and when I asked my mum if she would like to come and visit, she said "I won't get a present as he doesn't need anything."

I was rather taken aback, but can't really disagree with that, so I just said "Fine, but when would you like to come over to see him?"
She said as she would not be buying anything, she thought she would leave it till another time. This completely threw me - I mean, wtf?? However my mother is a bit odd, so I tried to let it pass.

However now I have talked to my sister about when she would like to come up. She is very keen and we have fixed a date, but she said "I know you don't want us to buy anything but I am just posting a little tiny present."

WHAAAAAAT???

Apparently my mother told her that I had said "Don't buy him any presents as he doesn't need anything."

I am fuming. It is my mother's choice whether or not she buys a present, she is often very generous to us in many ways and we are extremely lucky anyway in that ds already has lots of toys and so on, but how dare she decide whether or not he needs any new things and tell other people not to buy him anything.

Of course I can't say a thing about it, not only would it cause a big family row, but it would also come across that I am p*ssed off because ds is not getting more presents.

and quite :(

Just reread. Sorry it's a bit long and ranty.

This is the sort of thing imo which isn't THAT serious but because of simmmering seething family resentments it blows into a huge storm and upsets everyone. There are many explanations:

your mother's a witch :)
She asked you what he NEEDED at some point and you said 'he doesn't NEED anything' so she took it to mean he had everythign he could ever need and presents weren't necessary
Your mum said to your sister 'I'm not getting anything, f&z said he didn't NEED anything' and your sister said oh ok and took it as read that this is what you had said and was a correct interpretation of your request
Or a million other strange things could have gone on. I've often been offended by some imagined slight from my mum only to find that if I ask something I had interpreted one way she saw completely differently iyswim.

Yes I guess it is fairly trivial and I'm not going to let it blow up into a big row, however much I want to phone her and rant.

I think I feel also that she disapproves of the fact that ds has (in her eyes) too many things. He probably has got too many things, but I buy things from charity shops, boot sales, and people give us their old stuff. I do go through them regularly and stuff he doesn't play with goes to Oxfam. I almost never buy him brand new things, except ar Christmas and birthdays. I feel like I am being accused of being greedy and profligate :(

How oldi s you DS? Even if he doesn't need anything, will he be upset? Can you tell your sister that you never said you didn't want anything, as sounds a bit ungrateful!!

Oh, I get told by my ILs that my kids have too much stuff. Too many books (is that possible?), too many toys. They might be right about the toys, but it still doesn't make it a nice thing to say, does it.

I think it may be a generational thing.

They do still buy them stuff, but mostly clothes etc.

You could suggest that your mum take your DS out for an outing, as a birthday-related treat? Or is she too mad to be in sole charge (my mom was).

can you talk to your sister and explain the mistake - tell her the little present will be fine and you apprciate her thoughfulness then rant about scatty mother?

He is going to be 3. He will not notice or care, I don't think. It seems to me that sort of makes it worse - that my mum is doing it just because she can, because ds won't notice. I'd like to see the reaction if she tried to do the same to my sister's kids, who are 14 and 12

Nah NQC, nice idea but she can stuff it. If she doesn't want to visit I am not going to cajole her into it.

The worst thing is my sister is always extremely generous with presents and buys things we could not afford to get ds and I bloody am disappointed she's only getting something small. Is that terrible?

Well I know it is. :(

Ah custardo, so many family tensions here. I think I had better avoid the whole subject as far as talking to my family goes. It will only blow up, however I approach it.

F&Z, I didn;t mean to belittle how you feel about it, was just pointing out how these things escalate that's all, you have every right to feel however you feel!

Tbh, I don't get things for real littlies and he won't notice at 3 will he? (he might if no-one got him anythign but not just granny?)

She's not saying you're greedy and profligate, YOU are choosing to interpret what she's said that way. My mum used to say 'you're always tired' and I would hear 'you're lazy, shut up about how knackered you are, you don't know you're born' Ooooooooh, come to think of it I tihnk she DID mean that, ha haha! My point is that you are deciding that whatever she says reflects what she thinks of you and they're not necessarily connected are they?

Ooh no I didn't think you were belittling me WWW. It is trivial, isn't it? I am still allowed to be upset about trivial things though :)

oh franny, I sympathise. dh does this sort of thing on occasion, tells relatives 'we' don't want anything for Xmas (yes 'I' do!) or arranges with them to get me domestic gadgets for my birthday.
It's a pain, isn't it? and then there's the added thing about being seen as petty/ungrateful :(

Thank you

I really feel ridiculously upset by it all. It is hurtful though, don't you think? Or are you all trying to politely tell me it is not and I am barking and to forget about it?

You're hurt because it's your family and because it's not just about the present (obviously), this stirs up all sorts of other stuff. Of course you're allowed to be upset, fair enough!

See how you feel tomorrow!

That's what I said yesterday, WWW. I feel worse today

It's probably worthwhile trying to work out why this bugs you so much. Were you told, as a child, that you were greedy and profligate? (What child isn't greedy and profligate?)

Erm...I think it probably bothers me because everything my mother says to me bothers me

:o

it is hurtful. your perfectly right to be upset.

one of the hardest lessons i have learned as a parent is that our parents dont love our children as much as we do

i thought they would! how dare they :) !

sometimes they just dont and thats the way it is. its horrible to realise that your own mother doens't really give a crap about your childrens birthdays.

i fell out will my mum over this exact thing.

I don't see why you can't be straight with your sister though.

Yes how dare they custardo! In fact everyone should love my child as much as I do

Bozza, because she will tell my mother.

Are you sure it isn't just all a big misunderstanding? Perhaps your mother thought you had said previously not to get anything?

Hmm, let me think.

A misunderstanding.....versus my mother being an interfering old witch.

Hmm, it's a toughie

:o