I feel like a fool

[bml12]

My husband of 18 years and myself are separating - we have two children. This was decided in the summer at my instigation as I can no longer live with the arguing and walking on egg shells.

At the end of the summer I met a lovely guy who had a girlfriend of 7 months. He got my number under the guise of passing some lawyer info on to me. Since then he has bombarded me with texts and phone calls. I was quite flattered at first but then started to respond - he was promising me the world, talking of a future together, telling me he had never felt like this before etc. He engineered conflict with his girlfriend who decided she had had enough. We got together on quite a few ocassions and eventually things got quite passionate. Everything was wonderful and we both fell hook line and sinker for each other .... or so I thought! I am obviously at a very low ebb and vunerable at the moment and I feel that he has taken full advantage of this.

Overnight he has stopped contacting me and will not reply to my texts. He did pre-warn me that he was not 'your average kind of guy and was complicated' but this is one extreme to another.

Because of my marriage break up I am so depressed and low at the moment that this was the last thing I needed - I was really starting to fall for him.

Have I been a complete fool? He is now away, trying to sort his head out and decide what he wants in life (I expect he's back with the girlfriend) - he's 48 years old for God's sake!!

How do I move on from this and my marriage? I have been faithful to my husband for over 20 years. Am really struggling.

Don't feel like a fool. I know that after my first marriage (17 years), I went a bit man-crazy, desperately trying to feel young and sexy again so I got myself into a few scrapes that bruised my ego. This man sounds like a twat and played you like a fiddle but that is not your fault. He could have been the love of your life, if he'd been the man he claimed to be.

There's a certain type of man (possibly woman too) who can't commit even though they do all the running and then run like Hell when their 'target' reciprocates the same feelings. You've had a lucky escape and learned a lesson.

Next time, take things more slowly and see if you can spot any red flags before you get in too deep.

Good reply, Hipster :) OP, you weren't a fool ... You had an ill-advised adventure. It's par for the course. Now you know your "juices" are working and you had a bit of a drama. Fine. Just tend your bruised heart, get your focus back on yourself where it belongs, delete Smarmy Trousers and block his number/email/facebook/tweets. Job done, one rite of passage successfully completed. Happy Hallowe'en!

You fell for the bull precisely because you were so vulnerable - classic sort of rebound thing. Just chalk it up to bitter experience - and you've at least made that difficult leap, from a 20 years' relationship to another man, even if he did turn out to be a wanker. It doesn't mean that the next interested man you meet will be a wanker.

"How do I move on from this and my marriage?"

Treat it as breaking your duck, getting back into the dating game and a lesson in love. What's the point of life if you never take a risk? The other thing to take from this experience is that someone who is 'full on' so early on in the relationship is probably a head-fuck who is only out for a shag .... so keep your cards close until you're far more sure of them.

You and your love are valuable, precious commodities and not to be given away lightly so I would also suggest that you step away from men for a while. If you're used to being 'a couple' this can feel strange at first. Widen your social circle & make new female friends. Get to know yourself better, get past the raw hurt of the break-up & build an independent life where you feel happy and confident. Once you are there you'll be less likely to sacrifice what you've created unless the other person is well worth it.

For the future: the red flags you missed...

1. he was already in a relationship

2. he came on too strong, too fast

3. he "engineered" a break up with his gf...what sort of twat does that ?

4. he said he was "complicated"...only twats think they are complicated

You live and learn (hopefully)

Hold on to the good bits - that it was fun, that it was good sex, that it mentally moved you on from your horrible H, and let the rest go. It's generally quite a good idea to stay single for a while when you've got rid of a rubbish man, especially if you haven't had a lot of experience, but at the same time, a different flavour of knob is not such a bad thing as it's useful experience.

I think all the advice you have been given is excellent. You are only a fool if you let him take up all your thinking. Move on as fast as you can. He has used up enough of your time.

And just think, every day you get through is one day closer to your next adventure.

"only twats think they are complicated" that should be printed on T shirts.

Nothing to add to what everybody else said but I am sorry you had to meet such a manipulative trogg OP.

I mean this with every kindness, but yes perhaps you have been a little foolish.

1. If you are 'bombarded' with texts and phonecalls from someone you barely know, you can assume he's got an agenda that serves himself.
2. How could he promise you anything? He doesn't know you!
3. He treated his girlfriend like trash. Engineering conflict?! That alone should have you heading for the hills.
4. He reckons he's something special does he? Not your average guy, and complicated? What a wanker.

Please please view this as a lucky escape and dance a jig of utter relief!!

Now gather yourself together with some kindness and self loving, and do some reading up on how to recognise a loser. Good luck. xxxx

A really good book to read is 'Men who can't love: How to recognise a Commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart' by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol.

I hope you're feeling a little better today.

Don't bother with the book OP, it will be mundane heteromonogamist rubbish. Commitment is not compulsory, and a few lighthearted flings are probably a better next step for you after you've got your breath back.

Well, SolidGold, you're entitled to your opinion but I found the book very helpful to sort the wheat from the chaff after a long marriage ended and I found myself bamboozled by the new dating scene.

I wasn't suggesting the OP used it in order to snare herself a new husband. It actually talks a lot of common sense and identifies a pattern that some men fall into, if they're emotionally immature.

If you've read the book, fair enough. If you haven't, then I personally wouldn't dismiss anything purely on the basis that I suspected it wouldn't help IYKWIM.

Chalk it up to experience OP. The man's a total self entitled prat.

It really is a life truism that if a man treats one woman as disposable and is cruel about it, he will do the same to you.

Dear bml12, your story is almost identical to mine; I posted on here with a similar tale of woe and the mumsnetters were very supportive.

This man is a fool, not you and he led you astray when you were feeling vulnerable, even though you probably felt at the time that it was right for you.

Like you, I exchanged numerous daily texts and messages, on the occasions we met up it was electric and became quite passionate. When I pushed for more (by this I don't mean any more than the beginnings of a 'proper' relationship), he agreed to meet up properly - at which point he told me he was already in a relationship with a small child - girlfriend didn't love him, staying together for the child, usual rubbish. Bastard was using me for his own entertainment. After a bit of stalking on the internet I then discovered he was actually not long married. Wanker.

Chalk yours up to experience, move on and find a nice one.

He maliciously engineered problems with his girl friend so that she would dump him.

You honestly think he was going to treat you any better?

I am complicated = I will treat you like shit and if you complain I will say well I told you what I was like.

It has only been a few months chalk it up to experience, delete all his detail and never contact him again.

Thank you soooo much for all your messages of support. I agree with you all - he is a wanker and I do derserve better. It's just a shame that he was the first man after a long marriage and I got treated like this. But I take on board all your comments and am very grateful.

Even though I don't know you all, you are all my new friends! Thank you x

bml12 you sound like a lovely person and I wish you well. You will look back on this episode with relief that you didn't end up with him. Chin up, cut all contact and march into your future slightly wiser.