Feel like my whole life is fake

[fakeittillyoumakeit]

Have name changed. I just wanted to tell the truth for once to someone. And I wanted to know how many other people feel that they are faking so many things in their lives. I know that some degree is normal, civility and white lies are what make civilization possible, but I feel that I cannot and never shall tell the´truth to anyone.

On the surface everything seems to be going swimmingly. I have a good job, loving husband, nice house and fine children. I moved to my husbands country long ago and have undergone a long process of learning the language, culture, everything from scratch. I have built up a good career, house, family and even been asked to stand as a political candidate as I am considered a "model immigrant". And it is all such utter horseshit.

I fake enthusiasm for this country, which I often find unbelievably dull, conservative and repressed. My job is sometimes fascinating but involves a great deal of feigning interest and concerns for clients' issues. I spend many days spinning shite to both sides of a dispute and manage to come out with both feeling I am a sympathetic party. How they don't see through this is beyond me.

But worst of all I feel like I am faking my homelife.
I love my children but often find them very trying. At playgroups etc I wonder if I am missing a gene as I just don't have the enthusiasm and love for the anecdotes, the detailed schedules of my children's lives that other mothers have.
My whole sex life is fake. My husband thinks I am very affectionate and sexually enthusiastic. But this is also bullshit. I get some enjoyment but it is mostly pretend. I store images in my head and use them to wank once he goes to sleep. This sounds brutal when I read it back, but it is the truth I really need to say it.

How much of your life is fake? I know I need to own up to some things but how?

What would be so bad about being told to fuck off back home? Would it be said in a horrid way, or more like ribbing that you're expected to answer back?

Home life is more problematic as I have painted myself into a corner

This seems to be the crux of the matter.

(I get most of what you're talking about. I'm also an immigrant.) I'll be reading this thread with interest.

Sure. But everything apart from perhaps a blood relationship is probational isn't it? People get sacked, couples split, friends drop off. It takes maintenance and vigilance to keep everything ticking over nicely.

I used to be told to fuck off back home then all the time.

And I'd only moved from Kent to Yorkshire

I'd take it in the manner which it was meant, usually a joke.

Can I ask what country you are in OP?

My cousin moved to the states and hated it, largely because of culteral differences, which seemed odd to me as I'd always assumed the states to have much in common with the UK. I was wrong though and her and her dh are very happily settled in a totally different country now (where they are both immigrants) and seem much happier.

Are you perhaps going through a period in your life where you need to make some adjustments to suit yourself? Rather than being simply a parent/wife/employee or whatever?

But everything apart from perhaps a blood relationship is probational isn't it?

Sure. But that shouldn't mean you always have to fake toeing the line and can never be yourself...you're not an immigrant at home, with your family...they're supposed to like you for the very person you are, not in spite of it. If that makes sense.

Op something uniquely hollow about bring an expat; i know you describe yourself as an immigrant but not so dissimilar?

Also Jung apparently talks about middle passage years as being most potentially challenging and developmental, the reason for all those midlife crises. .

How can you develop in some way to overcome your ennui/frustration? New job? New course etc? Just a thought.

If I was feeling the way that your feeling I would probably drop the political stuff and the baby groups, in order to do some things that I would actually enjoy.
It does not sound like there is a great deal of enjoyment going on in your life at the moment.

I don't want to say exactly where I am as I might out myself. But it is a totally different culture but not 3 rd world.
I must go for work now but will return. Thanks

The first thing I thought when I read your OP was "bad faith"
We all live in bad faith I think.....

You dont sound settled.
But also you seem to have fears,which may not always be justified.
For instance you say "Sometimes I feel that to grumble about anything more than the weather will invite calls of 'well fuck off back home then'".
That may not be the reality,and if it is, it may not happen any where near as often as you think.
Also "I have good friends but they are for fun not earbending".
Have you tried to speak to them in an earbending way. My guess is that half of them would turn out to be helpful and be fine about listening to you.

Re the job it sounds like you are actually good at it - negotiating between parties and both sides coming out their contact with you feeling good about it.

Would love to know which country you live in. Would you feel too exposed if you divulged this?

I felt as you do in my mid 30s. Tried to squeeze my square pegness into a round hole. A bit Stepford. I hated hated play groups with people drivelling on about their boring children. I'm quite hands off with mine, the opposite of a helicopter parent. Dh is more hands-on though. I always helped them to feel loved and secure and encouraged them to be independent. I always have time to explain things to them and treat them like little adults in some ways. Don't talk down to them I mean, not buy them gadgets and let them grow up too fast. Plenty of boundaries.

This seems to have worked for us. They are hard-working, conscientious, curious about the world and achieving highly in many areas. And rather independent and thoughtful. I'm sorry if this sounds smug, it really isn't, because I actually think it's more of an accident that has happened because I can't parent in that micro-managing, obsessed way.

I rejected the Stepford role and went back to college to study for different A levels from those that led to my original degree. I'm now doing a different degree and will have a professional qualification with a guaranteed career in 2014. I feel very much my own person. It's not easy at all but I'm getting there now.

Don't live a sterile life based on others' expectations. Don't beat yourself up if you're not that into 'mothering' and all the mummies. It doesnt mean your kids will suffer or not have great lives.Try to find a niche for yourself that fits with who YOU are.

I ended up doing what I am doing because I considered what I would do if I lived my life over again. And I thought I'd have a go at doing it anyway.

It's never too late to be who you want to be.

Do you think you may be depressed? How long have you felt like this?

Hello again. I don't think I am depressed. I feel more angry inside than anything else. I need to be careful to separate
My frustration with living here from home frustrations . I know some couples where one partner vents all their frustration with living here directly at their spouse . When really they don't hate the Redon just the place. Although perhaps I am kidding myself when I say if I was in Uk I could open up to someone. On trips back home I still like to keep things light with even my lifelong friends. But I do listen listen and try to help them with their problems. However I only give up some trivial self- deprecating anecdotes about myself. Just enough to show some empathy. Nothing to use against me in the long run

The more you post, the more frightened you sound :( Are you living in a regime that criminalises certain viewpoints? Or, perhaps, which circumscribes women's behaviour? I'm concerned about whether your cultural or emotional environment has stifled your personality.

Will you have to live there for a long time?

I think there may be some issues about where you live, but I think this has more to do with you not opening up about yourself generally, in case people hurt you emotionally.

Why would your lifelong friends want to use things you admit to them against you?

I think if you've put in some time where you are, you should get your DH to move back home with you. Fair's fair an' all that. It just sounds like you're not settling in. OK the whole sex thing may or may not be another sign... tbh plenty of people in LTRs don't have peak sexual experiences every time they shag or even nearly, so I wouldn't obsess over that one. More importantly, do you like and get on with your DH?

Nothing to use against me in the long run

You've said that twice so far. Use against you? has someone used something against you, someone you trusted?

(sorry to be so obvious about it)

think you need to be honest op. this is the kind of situation that finally you can take no more and explode. then your dh who thinks everything is fine will be sat there thinking wtf. be honest tell him how you are feeling about every thing, even the sex. if you cant be honest with the man you are supposed to be closest with what is the point.

He is a good man and marrying me cannot have been easy for him.

...do you therefore feel you "owe" him, OP?
Because that is a very dangerous dynamic to have in a couple relationship.